Fearless
by Kaitsa
Summary: Sequel to 'Let it Be', please read that one first... Is Nessie still attracted to Jasper? Is Jake still 'seeing' Leah? And what will happen when both their lives intertwine again? Will they find friendship? Love? Or something else? Rated M for lemons.
1. Prologue JPOV

**AN: I don't own anything**

_Summary: This is the Sequel to "Let it Be". This chapter contains spoilers for Let it Be, so stop here, and please read that one first._

_Is Nessie still attracted to Jasper? Is Jake still 'seeing' Leah? And what will happen when both their lives intertwine again? Will they find friendship? Love? Or something else? _

_Read and find out!_

**Prologue JPOV**

**January 2029**

My name is Jacob Black, I look 25 years old.

My life however contains 39 years, 39 special years.

I was born in the LaPush reserve as the son of Billy and Sarah Black, I had two older twin sisters, Rachel and Rebecca. When I was seven, my mother was killed in a car accident. My father developed an illness that got him into a wheelchair. Times were not easy, but nevertheless I was happy.

Life was plain and simple.

That all changed when two things happened. First, the Cullens moved to Forks. And second, I met Bella Swan. Initially those two events were not related, but they became very much related.

Bella was the first girl I loved. And lost.

Somewhere along the way things had gotten very very complicated. Long story short: Bella became part of a vampire coven, I became part of a werewolf pack, and I imprinted on a newborn half-breed. That's how complicated my life had become.

All the same, the years to come were the happiest of my life.

This is where Ness came in the picture.

And Ness… hard to explain what she was to me. She was my earth and sun, my air, my life, my everything. I have always considered this imprint the ride of my life. Time stood still, my life was on hold, biologically and personally as well. Everything I did was for her. Every thought I had was for her.

Well, not every thought. There was Leah, too. While I was waiting for the love of my life to grow, until she was ready to love me back, Leah fulfilled my physical needs. She did more than that. She gave me peace of mind. I needed her. Even when we truly loved each other and thereby hurt each other by continuing the affair, we still needed it.

As Ness became a woman, we all expected her to fall in love with me.

Never happened though. Instead she lived her carefree life, as far as a half-breed turning into a vampire can be carefree, and I lived the worst year of my life. There were happy moments, sure, but those were the moments that I fooled myself into believing she was mine, and loving me. Instead I got to witness her falling crazy in love with her high school boyfriend, and feeling attracted to other men, all but me. I was like a brother for her.

There is nothing more painful than watching the one you love, love someone else.

I could have told her I loved her, but deep down she knew, she had to know, I did everything for her.

And so I did the only thing I could do to save myself. I left.

I broke the imprint, the strongest bond possible.

I moved to New York and worked in different places. I learned to choose for myself again. I needed to find out who I was, if not half of an imprint gone bad.

I kept meeting Leah, but plane tickets were expensive. After two years of solitude I had enough of my freedom, of roaming around like a lost kid, and I moved back. Not entirely, I don't know if I'll ever go back to Forks or LaPush. I moved to Seattle. To be closer to Leah. It was wrong, she was married to Alec who was good for her, I did not attend the wedding by the way, and she had adopted a boy that was two years old by the time I moved there, Dean. It was wrong, but it was also clear that we could not stay away from each other, moving to a different continent would only make flights more expensive.

We wondered sometimes what would have happened if I had broken the imprint sooner, before she had met Alec. We could have had it all. But you never know that.

I try to live without regrets. I made the choices I thought best at that time. And so did she.

I bought a small garage in Seattle and rented an apartment nearby. I worked my ass off that first year and the garage soon became successful.

I had dinner everyday in the diner next to the garage and that is where I met Eve. My beautiful wife. We have been married for three years now, and life is good. Maybe even as good as it gets.

I vaguely remember happier years, but they seem surreal now, with wolves and vampires and imprinting and all.

This is real.

I love Eve as much as I can, and she loves me back.

The garage grew and I needed more helping hands. I hired another car mechanic, Damian. Seth's boyfriend. They moved to Seattle as well. Both uncles of little Dean had wanted to move closer and so I offered Damian the job. As the garage grew even more, I hired Leah as well. Me and Damian do all the car stuff, and Leah takes care of the rest, finances, appointments, ordering parts… The three of us form a great team. I finally managed to get to know Leah without the sex, although we still needed that too. She is no longer bitter after losing Sam, she hardly ever thinks about him anymore. She has everything she ever wanted, I think she is happy.

The six of us are all really close friends now, Leah and Alec, Seth and Damian, Eve and me. We go on holidays together and spend a lot of time in each others houses.

I don't feel guilty for betraying my friend Alec by sleeping with his wife. Well, sometimes I do, but mostly I believe that there is simply no way around it. Maybe they both know, Alec and Eve. They never bring it up. Sometimes me and Leah go on business trips for the garage. She books only one room and we don't leave that room for the entire weekend. It is nice to not sneak around from time to time.

Eve is happy too. We are good friends and I treat her well. She feels loved, she should, I do love her.

There is only one thing that could make her life more complete and that is becoming a mother. We have been trying to have a baby for two years now, so far without luck. But we are both still young and live with hope.

Sure I think about Ness sometimes.

But like I said, it feels surreal.

It's like I have been in a coma for eighteen years, and I had this beautiful magical dream, about a boy and a girl that were each others sunshine, a wolf and a vampire, and they were made for each other, and then I woke up.

To real life.

You don't dwell on dreams like that, you don't miss the persons in it.

You just think about it sometimes, and smile.

**

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****AN: So this is what happened to Jake in the past five years. What do you think?**

**I bet you guys hate me already for letting him marry someone else. Well... just wait and see :)**


	2. Prologue NPOV

**Prologue NPOV**

**January 2029 **

I am Nessie, short for Renesmee. Cullen.

I am 23 years old. 23 very special years.

I was born as the daughter of Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen, a human mother and a vampire father. I was one of a kind, or so they thought. An unexpected gift for two people that love each other with all their hearts.

The day I was born, two important things happened. My mother almost died and in order to be saved, she was turned into a vampire as well. Her best friend Jacob Black was there, and when he saw me he imprinted on me. A wolf connection was forged, one that could not be broken, or so we thought.

He was destined to be everything I needed, and he had been that, and more.

I grew up as a human child, living with eight vampires. They were my family and they loved me dearly. I was never alone. Apart from my mom and dad, they were not my real family, biologically. Although I could say that venom wise I was a descendant from Carlisle and therefore related to mom, dad, Esme, Rose, Emmett and Carlisle. Alice and Jasper were not related to me what so ever. Maybe that is why I had once fallen for Jasper, while I could never imagine falling for Emmett, although equally good looking. Jasper never was my family, and Emmett was my uncle, venom wise.

Around that time, I fell in love several times. First there was my high school boyfriend, Josh. I was totally head over heals in love with him. My situation however was complicated. I could not tell him my family's secret, I could not bring him home, I could not tell him why me and Jake were inseparable. And when I started changing into a vampire, things got even more difficult. He got insecure.

He made a mistake. Made me chose between him and Jake. He lost. And so did I.

I thought I would never get over him, but I was young and well surrounded and got over him just fine. Now he is a nice memory, the first boy I gave everything I had, the first one I loved.

Like I said, I also fell for Jasper, but looking back I blame that on the confusing times. The tension between us disappeared, I think, and now we are close friends once again. Thank god. I don't want to be to blame if the Cullen coven should break up.

I almost forgot another important event. That summer I took a trip to Brazil and by some ancient rituals, the venom in my blood was neutralized, so I was 100% human, for the first time in my life.

Somehow in all this commotion around my seventeenth year, I overlooked important things. The most important things.

I didn't entirely overlook it, I knew he was my favorite person, and I had let him know that. I am still thankful I did, otherwise I would have another regret to add to my list.

I knew I was his favorite person as well, but with the imprint, I thought it was normal. Just how things were meant to be. He sacrificed his happiness for me.

He loved me and I didn't see it.

I loved him too. Didn't see that either.

Sure I knew I loved him in some way, like a brother. I was only just starting to discover different kinds of love. I should have known of course, one does not try to seduce ones brother when feeling low. It was wrong. I did him wrong in many ways.

And so he left. Broke the imprint and disappeared from my life.

That happened five years ago.

You only know what something means to you once it's gone, and boy is that true. He left me broken as well.

He thought I would be fine. After all he was just a brother to me, a good friend.

If only I had seen sooner.

I try to live without regrets, but when you manage to lose the one thing that matters, it's hard _not_ to regret.

I still believe things will never be right again.

But like he had told me to do in his farewell letter, I will live life to the fullest. As full as I can manage with my broken heart that is.

That year I went to Dartmouth. English literature. I always had been passionate about literature and found it easy to focus all my attention on my studies. This was also Jasper's subject, but having him near to me that year would not have been the best choice. I was a rebound girl who had a weakness for this hot vampire. It would have gone wrong.

Edward and Bella joined me instead. After a year, all Cullens moved to Kansas as well. They didn't sell the house in Forks. One day I want to go back to the town I grew up in. There is nothing left for me there now, except for the wolves that still live in LaPush. I wonder how they are all doing. And of course I wonder if any of them know where he is.

The years in college have not been that bad.

I met Tina at my students dorm, and the second year we became roomies. Now, four years later, she is my best friend.

I never had a girl for a best friend, always got along best with Jake and Jasper and Emmett. The girls in the family always treated me more like a baby to pamper. Even now, Alice can't stop buying clothes for me. I have like four mother figures. Well, three and one sister, I consider Alice more of a sister. It is a bit weird now that they stay young and beautiful, while I age. Although they keep telling me I am still the most beautiful one of them all. Of course they say that, being good mother figures.

My hair is blond now, it suits my lifestyle better.

After studying like crazy the first two years of college, Tina dragged me into the world again. I had told her all about Jake. All except the wolf stuff that is. She knew I had had a best friend that I grew up with, slightly older, and that we were everything for each other. She knew I had hurt him and that he left, and that I only discovered afterwards how much we really loved each other. She found my tragic love story beautiful, but he was gone, and I had to move on. She would not let me sulk in my room, she picked me up and showed me how students can have the best of times, even without boyfriends.

Tina is eccentric, I never knew why she picked me to be her friend, but she did.

We partied till we dropped. We went to movies and theaters. She finally made me realize the pleasures of shopping, something Alice was thankful for. We laughed for hours in a row, high on sugar in our room, and kept laughing when we were sick on the floor. We hooked up with boys and forgot all about them again in the morning. We were some pair. Still are.

Somehow I managed to do all those things without letting my grades drop. The Cullens were a bit worried about our wild behavior, but they wanted me to live a human life and this is what human students do. I think they were also glad that the crying had finally stopped.

Last year we graduated and now we were sort of in between. We planned on renting a two bedroom apartment, it would give us some more privacy with our escapades. But we haven't decided where we would live and look for jobs. All we knew is that we would stick together. We came as a pair.

I wondered sometimes what would come of me, if she would fall in love with a boy, and move out. I think I would move back with the Cullens. I have never learned to be by myself, and I think I never will. I just can't be alone.

Right now the chances of her falling in love were hardly existing, we were wild and free and she was happy that way. I wasn't happy of course. But free nevertheless.

I had said I would give love another chance if it came along, but I am not really paying attention. The boys I've slept with, there have not been _that_ many, only reminded me of what I had lost. I never called them back and I never gave them my number. If they showed up at my door I told them I was actually a lesbian. Tina thought that was hilarious and she played along, throwing her arm around me and giving the boy a good show.

Tina was actually the wild one, I was just the girl that followed her around, enjoying the light that she cast on her surroundings. Like I once needed my personal sun, I needed her light now. It was no sunlight, it was more of a colorful disco light.

She cared for me. So I followed gladly.

The Cullens were contemplating moving back to Washington. The weather had been perfect for them there, and so had the wildlife. They would not move to Forks, but somewhere around the Olympic National Park, closer to the mountains. I wanted them nearby. They were my family and I have learned to never take anything for granted. Maybe me and Tina would move to Washington as well. We had been surfing for jobs near Seattle.

I still think about Jake, of course.

Not always in an active way, he is just always there.

Somehow the life I live now seems like a dream to me. Reckless and careless, crazy, but also beautiful.

Still a dream.

The one thing that is real is him.

I think somehow I am still waiting for him. But he wouldn't know how to find me if he would change his mind. The house in Forks is empty.

And I knew of course that he would not change his mind. If he wanted me to contact him once I realized I loved him, he would have given me some sort of way to reach him.

He didn't.

And I will not look for him to disrupt the life that he may have build.

I just wish I could know if he was happy at least.

**

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****AN: And what do you think about Nessie's story? And about this Tina girl?**


	3. Chapter 1 Chains

**Chapter one: Chains**

**JPOV**

**January 15, Monday**

I was a little tired this morning. We had spend the weekend in a chalet up the Olympic mountains, the six of us, well seven if you count in Dean, and we had so much fun that we forgot to go to bed at a decent hour. Me and the boys went climbing and mountain biking, while both girls, who had become best friends over the years, took a walk in the forest with Dean.

I hadn't seen my sisters in years, although I called Rachel sometimes, so this was now the only family I knew. I had known Leah and Seth all my life, and Eve, Alec and Damian just fit in perfectly. We were all on the same page.

After the hiking we let our ladies take care of us, mostly dinner wise, as we warmed ourselves up in the chalet in front of the fireplace. We had played games until we had so much to drink that we kept waking Dean up.

Yesterday evening we got back around ten, but then Seth and Damian invited us for a last drink at their place. Leah and Alec had to put Dean to bed, but me and Eve stayed till after one.

That is why this morning Leah was the only one that looked presentable. I had bags under my eyes, and Damian was practically sleepwalking. I had to send him back home for another few hours. Leah was in her office, I heard her typing on the keys, and I was in the workspace inspecting a car that is supposed to be good as new, humming along with a song on the radio.

Monday mornings tend to get busy sometimes, people break their cars over the weekends more often, but today was quiet, and I was thankful. The song on the radio was, ironically, "Quiet little place" from K's Choice. I listened to the lyrics and found that they fit this moment in more than one way:

_In this quiet little place I can't remember having know a different place  
__In this quiet little place I can surrender to the beauty of its face  
__And now everything I see, whether it's an airplane or a tree, it makes me wonder  
__About the things I must have missed and the chains around my wrists  
they are no longer…_

Sometimes I felt that way.

Like real life was maybe not as beautiful as that dream I had lived, but it was more beautiful because it was real, and I could only appreciate it when I woke up, free.

These thoughts were too deep for a Monday morning.

I shook them out of my head and continued my inspection, already humming the next song.

I hadn't noticed that a customer had stepped in until he was right in front of me.

Although I had only met him twice, five years ago, I recognized him immediately. It was like someone from a movie had stepped into my garage. Someone that isn't supposed to be there, that doesn't really exists.

He recognized me too.

"Jake." He stated, it wasn't meant as a greeting.

Nobody calls me Jake anymore. And more parts of the reverie drifted into reality.

"Josh." We shook hands. He hesitated, but then asked anyway.

"How is Ness?"

Now the dream hit me full force. I took a step back, away from him, as if he had physically hurt me by asking.

"I… I wouldn't know. Haven't seen her in five years."

He was totally surprised by that.

"But how can that be? You were inseparable."

"So were you." I replied annoyed. He had no right stepping in here and messing with my memories.

"Well she did choose you, didn't she?" He was defensive, thought I was attacking him out of jealousy.

"What do you mean, choose me? She didn't. Never."

"Oh, she did, alright. Didn't she tell you then, why we broke up?"

"No. And frankly I'm not interested anymore either. I have a different life now."

"So then it won't bother you to know. I made her choose, between you and me. And I lost."

"You what?"

"I know it was stupid, but she was acting so strange. I told her to stop seeing you or we would be over."

"And she chose me?"

"Of course. I should have known that. Like I said, you were inseparable. It was my mistake. I was young." He shrugged.

I only vaguely noticed.

Walls were crashing down on me.

"Leah, help this customer will you?" I managed to say, before I disappeared in the back.

Ness had lost her great love because she chose me.

She never told me.

Somehow my memory had misplaced things, had made me believe it was always me loving her and her not caring for me enough.

She _did_ tell me I was her favorite person though...

It all came back to me now.

I forgot.

How could I forget?

That was the most beautiful thing she had ever said to me. Especially because I knew how crazy she was of this boy. Of this man now in my garage.

She had sacrificed her first love for me.

And I had left her...

Dammit Ness, why couldn't you have realized you loved me too?

I'm sorry Ness.

I'm sorry...

I was a sobbing mess in the bathroom.

After a while Leah knocked and I let her in.

"That was her boyfriend." She stated. Leah never said her name. Just like I never said Sam's.

"He made her choose. Him or me. And she chose me. Never told me... I think, maybe she loved me…" The sobs became harder now.

"Of course she did. But she was a stupid young girl."

"I forgot. My memory… I thought she was my chain. I forgot we loved each other."

"Let's get you out of here." She understood. She would help me forget again, only Leah can do that. So I can go home tonight, to my sweet Eve, a sane man.

I got into her car and she drove home. Alec was out working and Dean was at school.

She took me to the guest bedroom and undressed me.

I was still in shock and sat down on the bed, just looking at her. No longer crying.

She got down on her knees and started licking my cock, that was still limb. She took the head in her mouth, twirling her tongue around it, gently sucking, while her big brown eyes looked up at me. That always did the trick. My eyes closed and I leaned on my elbows. When she was satisfied with my "state" she straddled my lap and lowered herself. I sat up again, my arms around her back, kissing her neck, as she rode me.

And I forgot again.

It was nice to have sex without the pressure of making a baby. Leah had always been more than nice, she was incredible. After we stopped phasing, the sex was not so frantic and animalistic anymore, but somewhere inside of me there was still a wolf, one that only Leah can bring out and one that only she can tame.

I could say I was her wolf now.

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**AN: So, first chapter up! We're on the road again!**

**I'll try to update daily. Please let me know what you think, good or bad, happy or sad...**


	4. Chapter 2 Bluff

**Chapter two: Bluff**

**NPOV**

**January 19, Friday**

It's decided.

We are moving. To Seattle, Tacoma.

When I told my family I was willing to follow them, they were thrilled, they had seen a house near the Olympic mountains that would be perfect for them. It used to be a hotel with about ten rooms, but the area was not touristic and now the hotel was empty. It was a bit rustic, but Esme was already full of plans to make it into a beautiful home. It lay very privately, surrounded by forest and mountains.

Me and Tina had seen plenty of job openings in Seattle, which was less than an hour away from the house near Mount Rainier, the 'Mountain House', as we call it.

Emmett was extremely delighted. There are no bears near Dartmouth, he had missed the mountains, this was a location built for him. With a little help from Carlisle, me and Tina found a perfect two bedroom apartment that would be available starting next week. We didn't have to worry about the rent; since Tina was willing to move and thereby allowing me to be close to my family - nieces and cousins as I had introduced them - the Cullens would pay both our rents. She didn't want to accept at first, but it's an amazing gift, so she could not deny it either. Her parents were gone and had been far from rich, so she always had to combine jobs to get through college. I didn't have a car in Dartmouth, but now Edward and Bella would buy me one, because they wanted me to drive up the mountains as much as possible.

They wanted me to bring Tina as well. Sometimes I tell my family I can't believe I'm best friends with a girl like that, this crazy, uninhibited.

But to them it makes perfect sense, I always behaved calmly, but they always saw this fire in me, an intense and untamable side. She brought that up in me.

They were not always pleased with the ways we canalized our energy, partying and boys, but they liked her.

Especially Emmett. He sometimes said it was a shame he was not allowed to turn her. Rose was sometimes jealous and intimidated, which is hard to do, and it was secretly fun to watch. Alice was enticed by Tina's eccentric nature. She changes her look so often, Alice can't get enough of her, they became shopping buddies of course. Bella had her reservations. She is a calm and responsible person, and she's my worried mother, so I never expected anything else. I expected Jasper and Edward to have their doubts as well, but they were okay with her, said that her feelings and thoughts were bright and sincere.

This weekend we would be packing and on Monday the first boxes would be shipped to Tacoma.

Tonight was our last party night as irresponsible student girls. After the move, we would find jobs and start doing something with our lives. We planned to have one more carefree night.

We put on our most sexy outfits and helped each other with hair and make up, and went clubbing. No heavy boozing for our last night, because we wanted to remember it.

We visited all our favorite party places one last time. When we saw two handsome men talking close to the dance floor, we exchanged a glance and she said "you left, me right". She knows my taste and the left one sure is my taste.

We danced our way over, not too close, and we used our ever working hunting strategy. The best way to get the attention of boys is to not pay them any attention, at all.

We danced with each other in their line of sight, sensually.

And sure enough, soon they were looking in our direction. Interested.

We gave them a wink and moved a little closer. A little closer to each other as well. They finished their drinks and started dancing too, nonchalantly. A little closer to us.

I made sure to make eye contact with the left one, and Tina was seducing the right. All the while her hands were on me. They were now no longer pretending not to watch us.

The next song we paired up and as our hips were already loosened, we grinded ourselves against the poor victims. They eagerly moved along, clearly agreeing with our intentions.

After the song we went to get some drinks and both boys followed like puppies.

Tina send me a wicked smile, this was too easy.

Once further away from the music, the flirting continued. We got their names, Vince and Steve, and got them to pay for our drinks.

Only one of us could bring a boy home, since we only have one room, so to no longer waste our time Tina asked:

"So, which one of you boys has a place to take a girl to?"

"Um, actually neither. We both share rooms with nerds."

"Damn. Oh well…" she said as she turned our back on them, placing her arm around me and strolling away.

"You can take Steve home Tina, I'll sleep at Bella's place," I whispered.

"No, if you're not having some, then me neither. I'm not leaving you alone on our last party night."

"Girls, girls, not so fast. What do you say we _both_ go back to your place?"

Tina was suddenly interested again. She was up for anything, mostly the boys were not. I had my doubts. Having sex with a boy while your roommate was having sex with another just a few feet away seemed a little too weird for me.

I shook my head but three pairs of eyes looked pleadingly at me.

"Come on Ness, this one is yummy, please? We'll turn off the lights."

"Yeah, come on babe," Vince was in front of me again, whispering in my ear "I'll let you have all of this." And he placed my hand on his large bulge.

What the heck. You only live once.

"But no screaming" I said firmly, pointing at Tina.

"Promise!" she yelled, jumping up against Steve, her legs around his waist already. She sure was wasting no time.

And neither was Vince, he started kissing me on the dance floor, and he was a good kisser. That usually is a good indication.

I was happy with my decision. After all it was our last party night.

Once in our room, hardly ever stopping the kissing, I didn't switch on the light, there was no need and I knew where my bed was.

The boys thought differently. Lights were switched on and they sat down next to each other on Tina's bed.

"I have an idea. If you undress each other, we will give you a little strip act too." They had obviously done this before.

We agreed but the boys would had to perform first, so we could decide how hot our strip act had to be.

They surprised us a little there. They began to undress each other sensually, while kissing each others body. When they were down to boxers they kissed each other on the mouth.

And open mouth. With tongue.

Me and Tina looked at each other and thought the same thing: Damn this is hot!

She said "Doing great boys, carry on."

But their kiss broke and they smiled at us "Your turn, better make it as good as we have."

I looked at Tina hesitantly, her eyes repeated "please, this one is yummy". They both were.

Vince added in a smooth voice "Come on honey, I'll reward you, I promise." That did it.

I started opening the buttons of Tina's shirt and she lifted mine over my head. I slid my hands over her skin, leaving a trail of goose bumps.

When we were down to bras and panties, we kissed each other. It was no big deal, we had kissed before to scare boys away, now we were kissing to turn them on. That's even a better reason.

And it worked. Their boxers were tight and revealing.

"Don't forget the bra's girls."

"Na-ah. Boxers first."

I think Tina was bluffing, sure they would want to turn the lights off now. But they were out of their boxers in an instant. And they were beautiful. I was actually considering leaving the lights on all night, that Vince was one good-looking sexy thing. So was Steve actually, Tina had good taste too.

We slowly removed each others bra's and saw the boys become even more excited.

We kissed again, just to drive them crazy.

"Kiss each others breast and nipples." Vince said, his voice was hoarse and when I looked at them, I saw that they were stroking each other.

This was kinky. But so hot.

So I bent down and circled my tongue around Tina's nipple, making sure to keep eye contact with Vince. He groaned.

This was as far as I would go. I would not touch her anywhere else. They did not ask us to, they had reached their limit of self control as well.

Vince got up to grab me and threw me on the other bed, while Steve pulled Tina close. We never switched the lights off as we were pounced by these hot boys. I didn't look at Tina and Steve, but hearing their noises while being deliciously filled never felt weird, just freaking hot.

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**AN: How do you like wild Ness? ;)**


	5. Chapter 3 Forks

**Chapter three: Forks**

**JPOV**

**January 27, Saturday**

I was in my car, driving to Forks. For the first time in five years.

I had turned the radio off. Not in the mood for music.

I didn't actually plan to talk to her, I would stay invisible. Just checking if she was all right. Vampires would notice me of course, but they would stay silent.

Unless she was a vampire now…

I parked my car in the forest, hidden from the road, and walked up to the house with lead in my shoes.

Two weeks have passed since I met Josh at the garage.

It's like he broke the lock of a closet that should have stayed closed tight. Memories of a past that I had changed into a dream.

Remembering that she loved me too. And finally understanding that I did her wrong.

Sure she had hurt me, but she never meant to, she didn't even know that she had.

I had left her.

Thereby knowing all too well it would break her.

She loved me. Even though it was not in the way I wanted her to.

I had done her more wrong than she had ever done me. I had to, to save myself.

But didn't I once believe that she was more important than me? That she could hurt me infinitely and that I still would never leave her?

Didn't I tell her just that? That no matter what, I would always be there? No matter what…

I promised her.

She was my responsibility. And she needed me back then, even more than her family.

How could I just leave her when she made a mistake?

I could no longer sleep at night. I live by the rule of no regrets, but now I broke it every minute.

I had always been sure that she would be all right. She is eternally strong and passionate and optimistic.

I still believe she is alright. But I had to be certain. It was my duty, after the promises I made.

So I decided to drive to Forks. No matter how painful.

I was not in love with her anymore, and I don't think I still love her, the pain would only come from my guilt and regrets. Vows I broke, people I hurt.

When the house appeared in my sight behind the trees I immediately saw that it was empty.

Some sort of relief came over me. Coward.

They had moved. Whoever owned the house now did not live in it. The doors were locked, but the garage was open. Once it had been filled with expensive fast cars.

Through the garage I could enter the house. Some furniture was still in place, but some had been moved with them, like the piano. The couch where we crawled up against each other to read, was still there… The kitchen table where only me and her ever ate. I went upstairs and passed the different rooms, Jasper's study where she spend ours buried in books, her bedroom which I only entered to put her to bed and give a goodnight kiss…

Memories came flooding back, and now it was not only regret that hurt.

I missed her. What we had.

Her hand gestures when she explained something that was important to her. The tears on her cheeks when she was caught up in a romantic movie. The smell of her wild curly hair. The twinkle in her eyes when I walked into the room. The sound of her giggles…

I suddenly remembered everything. And missed everything. Badly.

I felt insanity closing in on me. And I could not turn to Leah this time. I could never tell Leah just how much I missed Ness. I was hers now. Even though we both shared our lives with different people. I was hers and she knew it. She only had to snap her fingers and I would follow, no matter how unfair on Eve.

But that's life isn't it? Not everybody gets what they want, or what they deserve. Eve didn't need to worry though, for Leah Dean came first, and then me. And Alec was Deans father. She would not run off with me, or she would have long ago. I think she still expects Ness to come snatch me away. And therefore I cannot tell her where I am now. And how much I remember. And how much remorse I feel.

I needed to find _her_, to make sure she was okay. I owed her that.

I owed her much more, but that was all I could give.

I had a new family now, five people, well six if you count in Dean, that I cared for, that I loved. I could not let Ness creep back into my life, those two worlds are not combinable. I even could not let her creep back into my mind. There was only one way to remove her again. See for myself she was happy, and then erase my guilt.

Clear my conscience and move on.

But how to find her?

Before I left I had made sure that I would not be able to contact them. I bought a new cell, copied only numbers of humans and wolves and destroyed the old one. I knew her name, I could look her up, but if they had moved, where to look, what state?

Maybe check with universities first. She was human when I left, just out of high school. A smart human. The next logical thing for her is to go to college. How much colleges are there in the States? Supposing they stayed in the country.

I focused on the logical thoughts and tried desperately to close the door of my memory again.

I went back to my car and drove to the town's library. I spend hours with her here as well. I logged on to a computer and opened an internet browser. Maybe I should better hire a detective. I don't know much about the internet. I know Google, so that's what I tried first.

"Renesmee Cullen", no hits.

"Ness Cullen", no hits either.

Last try "Nessie Cullen". Seven hits.

That was surprisingly easy. But not finished.

My heart sped up significantly and I berated myself.

I'm just checking an old friend to see how she is doing.

The first hit was a Facebook page, I had to be accepted as her friend to open that one. I could only see a little picture of a group of people, could not recognize her there. The second was the webpage from Forks High. I clicked the link and was directed to a page with yearbook pictures from five years ago. And there was her face. Right in front of me. Laughing eyes.

I was hit full force, could not breathe.

This is ridiculous. Just and old friend. You remembered her face, don't be a woos.

I quickly went trough the pictures. They would not help me find her, but I looked at them anyway. There were no pictures of her at prom, although prom provided a big part of the picture load. That was odd. I am sure she was the most beautiful girl present and I'm sure Alice made a dress to stand out. She must have run off with Josh to make out.

And there was another picture of her. It must have been a school excursion. She was walking, holding hands with Josh and looking up at him in utter devotion. She had looked at me like that sometimes as well. Not in love, just pure admiration.

I closed the picture page, had enough of that.

The next three hits were papers that she wrote. That could have been a college assignment. Literature had been her thing. There were no affiliations in the papers to give me a clue which college. Just an email address. I wrote it down, but I knew I would not use it. I didn't want to be noticed when checking up on her, and writing an email is not exactly staying invisible.

The sixth link was a ranking of a college run. She had finished seventeenth. She must be human then. Vampires don't enter competitions. Ness might of course, she had always mingled well with the humans, being one and all.

And there it was: Dartmouth. The college run was in Dartmouth. I should have known, some Cullens had gone there previously, it was a good place for vampires. Had they all moved there?

There was one link left. It was a blog from a girl named Tina Portman. But it hadn't been updated for over a year.

I clicked on Tina's pictures and there she was again. Her hair had been dyed blonde, but I recognized her. I had liked the red hair, but this suited her as well. She was just as beautiful as ever.

There were several pictures, in most of them she had her arm around a pretty girl that had a different hairdo every time. That must be Tina then. And they seemed pretty close.

I started reading the blog and found out that Ness and Tina were roommates and inseparable. That's typically Ness. She can't be alone.

Maybe I would be able to find out how she was doing just by reading the blog. It was not up to date, but if Ness had been okay the years after I left, then I am sure she will still be now.

My time was up, so I printed the entire thing. Forty pages, this Tina apparently was a writer as well. I would read them if I had a couple of hours to myself, in privacy. If seeing her picture had such a massive effect on me, then these forty pages could harm me as well. Best case scenario she was happy. Worst case, she was suicidal. But of course this Tina would not put such things on her blog. I would have to read between the lines and find out things I was not supposed to find out.

I had almost printed one of her pictures as well, but I made a wise decision, and cancelled. I logged off and went home.

I had said that I would visit a commercial meeting to advertise new car models and that I would be back around diner. They would all spend the afternoon at Leah's place. Mostly when time was spend together, we did so at her place, it was easier because Dean had all his toys and there was enough space for all six of us. Leah knew of course there was no such thing as a commercial meeting, but she didn't ask. I was not ready to join my family yet, so I called Eve to excuse me and I worked till late at night in the garage.

Whenever I had a little breakdown, my garage profited the advantages.

* * *

**AN: So guess what, he does miss her! How could he not, right?**


	6. Chapter 4 LaPush

**Chapter four: LaPush**

**NPOV**

**January 27, Saturday**

I was in my car, driving to La Push. For the first time in five years.

I had turned the radio off. Not in the mood for music.

I've been back in Washington for four days now. We have spend this week unpacking and shopping for stuff we needed in our new apartment. It was a lot bigger than our students room, therefore needed more furniture.

It had been fun, shopping with Tina and my family. They have all helped us moving, Tina complained a bit that they never broke a sweat, while she was panting, carrying boxes up the stairs. Emmett responded smugly that he did work out quite a lot. Me and Alice had to contain our laughter. It was funny seeing Emmett trying to impress this human girl. Rose was not amused though.

Another thing that was not amusing was Edward reading Tina's mind. When we got to the apartment to inspect all rooms, Bella said that it would be nice to have a bedroom of our own, have some privacy. Tina poked me in the ribs while she whispered to me that sharing a bedroom had advantages as well, clearly remembering our last party night in Dartmouth. Edward almost choked and quickly left the room, while I was blushing furiously. She told me to relax, that there was no way he could have known what she meant by that, but I knew better. And it was not amusing.

Going to LaPush, I don't know what my intentions were. What I hoped to find.

I guess I hoped to find some news about Jake. And I hoped to see some old friends back. I don't know if they will still see me as a friend, because clearly I had hurt Jake so bad that he had left his pack and his family. His pack was his family and he walked away, just like that. I know that only Rachel could contact him, and she had promised him never to give his whereabouts to anyone. But maybe now, five years after, he was in contact with others wolves again.

I think I will go search for Sam and Emily first. I had, in my childhood, spent most of the time in LaPush at their home. Most wolves had. I remembered how eight year old William had a crush on me. He was so adorable, he told me I had to wait for him to grow up and have a date with him. He must be 13 now. Another five years to go. He probably doesn't even remember me.

When I arrived, there were two girls playing on the field next to the house. They looked about ten, so they could be Anna and Sari, but I could not tell from this distance. I rang the doorbell and heard Emily shout to come in. Apparently they still had a lot of guests. I hadn't seen them in a while and I didn't know if the open invitation counted for me as well. So I pretended not to hear her and rang again.

She opened the door, holding a dish cloth and looked at me friendly, shifting herself a bit so that her good side was facing me. She hadn't recognized me. Before I could speak though she suddenly shouted "Nessie? Is that you?" and she flung her arms around me "Look at you, you're all woman now, Sam! Get in here! Nessie's back!"

She treated me like a lost daughter and I felt warm inside, a feeling I had always associated with this house, being welcome.

We talked for hours, catching up, about their kids, other pack members and their kids, about college and the Cullens.

We had managed to avoid one subject, but I had to ask. She saw me getting nervous and cut to the chase.

"You want to know about Jacob."

"Well, yes actually. Have you seen him?"

"Just once. Three years ago…" It seemed as if she wanted to add something, but then didn't.

"You're probably not allowed to tell me."

"No that's not it. He hasn't said anything about you."

"Oh."

"I mean. He probably still thinks… I didn't mean…"

"It's okay. Is he alright?"

"Yes." She seemed reluctant to say. As if I would be less okay if Jake was okay. That's not true. I am not that selfish anymore. I want him to be happy. With all my heart.

It would hurt me so much more if he wasn't, because that would mean he had left for nothing.

"You don't have to tell me. I just hope he is happy." She breathed in deeply as if to gather courage.

"He seemed happy. That time we saw him was at his wedding. He's married for three years now."

"That's good. He deserves all happiness." It shouldn't but somehow it did hurt. That doesn't mean I am selfish, right?

"We think so too" she added, still hesitantly.

"Are you afraid to hurt me? I'm fine. I really mean it, that I want him to be happy."

"I'm actually more afraid that you will go look for him."

"Oh. You mean he is here?"

"Not exactly, he lives in Seattle. He owns a garage that he runs with Leah and Damian."

"Is he married to Leah then?"

"No. She is married to Alec. Haven't you met him?"

"Right. I remember now. They had only started dating then."

"Oh, I thought they were together longer. Sometimes things can go fast."

So he's married to a mystery woman and working with Leah. How does he manage that? Had they finally become friends? Just friends? I know Alec didn't stop them.

I never judged them though. I had kissed Jasper once, which is even a worse crime, because Jake didn't know Alec and I love Alice. This wife of his must be a very special person, if he manages to be so close to Leah.

Oh.

Now the big news hit me. Seattle. He lived in Seattle and so do I. Is this a sign maybe?

Well, it's not entirely a coincidence, Leah had moved there before Jake left, so he could have moved there to be closer to her. And I was back because the Cullens had liked Washington. That's no coincidence either. We were bound to be back in the same state someday. And now we lived in the same city.

It was a big city though. I would not try to find him. He had the life he had longed for. The life he wanted to have instead of being bound to me. I would not mess with that.

Stay away and make the right choice for once. I had hurt him enough in the past.

I changed the subject and we talked some more.

When I got up to leave they let me promise not to stay away so long next time, now I lived closer I had to come visit more often. They were sure William would be thrilled to meet me. Wink.

It had been nice, seeing some old familiar faces again. I drove back home feeling slightly better.

I ignored the jealousy of this mystery woman, I hadn't even asked her name, berating myself for being selfish again, and promised myself not to go look for him.

At home I gave Tina a quick summary of my visit and the things I had found out, and she agreed with me.

The past is the past.

Let it be.


	7. Chapter 5 Blog

**Chapter five: Blog**

**JPOV**

**February 10, Saturday**

Life had picked up it's routine again. My guilt was pushed away.

I hadn't read the blog I printed that may contain traces of her, I had read bits and pieces of it in that library, and found that she was happy enough.

She was human, went to college in Dartmouth, had a good friend and the Cullens have probably followed her there. The blog would not bring any black on white proof that she was either happy or wasn't, so there was no point in me reading it.

I had put it away somewhere in a closet, along with the feelings of remorse.

Thinking about this now, two weeks later, I realized that that was bullshit.

If I had no intentions of reading it, if I was not dead curious, then I would have burned it. I would have known myself enough to know I would someday soon take it out again.

Even at that point two weeks ago, I must have been too curious to destroy it.

It was better to just read it and get it over with. To clear it from my mind entirely.

Today would be a good time for that.

Eve and Leah were taking Dean to the hospital this afternoon. He had been having diarrhea on and off for over a week, and he had poor digestion all around. Now the doctors would perform some tests, to see if these were regular kids diseases or an indication of something more serious. Leah could have easily taken Dean alone, but she was panicking slightly and Eve had suggested to come along. Eve works in the hospital as a nurse and has a very good influence on Dean, especially when he is scared.

She has this loving caring thing about her, that puts people at ease. Especially kids.

That's why I was sure she would make an excellent mother. If only I could give her a baby. I didn't need a baby to be happy, I was perfectly content as it was. But I knew she felt incomplete.

Maybe if I loved her more, she would be content as well. But I can't love her more than I do, so I hoped for a miracle, to be able to make her a mother someday.

I dug the box out from the bottom of the closet and sat down on my bed, leaning against the headboard, with the stack of paper on my lap.

I started reading apprehensively. I don't know what I was afraid of.

A lot of it was either poetry, the kind that Ness used to love, or too philosophical to mean anything real to me.

This girl had been in dark places, but in bright places as well. Just by reading these parts I could imagine her being as passionate and intense as Ness. Those two would make some pair if they gathered their forces.

The more diary-like pieces had started as a means to inform her high school friends on how she was doing in college.

At first there was no Ness in sight. The day she had met her had been described in her blog. Actually, she first described how enticed she had been with Edward and Bella, who had apparently joined Ness in college. Of course a human girl would totally fall for beautiful dazzling Edward.

Tina however hardly mentions him, she mostly speaks about Ness, how they had talked all day and laughed at the most lame jokes. She described Ness as "someone whose smile makes me feel I've been holding back."

I could recognize Ness in that.

Her smile…

From that day on, Tina doesn't describe Ness or how she sees her, she just describes all the fun things she and Ness had done. As a unit.

They were immediate friends and Tina had not given it much second thoughts. Ness could do that too, win someone's heart in an instant, without even trying.

At the start of the second year, they moved into a shared room and became even closer.

They experimented with art, with poetry, writing,… They went to museums and movies. Apparently they also went to parties. A lot.

The average life of an artistic literature student.

They had tried different sports, from dancing and aerobics to more adventurous sports. They had probably started running together too, I thought, remembering the students run I found on Google.

From what I could see, they had the time of their lives. Tina was a happy person, free, careless, optimistic. It was hard to tell from her writings if Ness was happy too. She seemed to be.

But it was also possible that she let herself get dragged around by this enchanting girl. Even if she was miserable and Tina knew, she would not put it in her blog. She might have written some poetry about it, but I could not make sense of her abstract drabbles.

Eve had called at some point during the evening, waking me from this Dartmouth world, to tell me that she would stay with Leah a little longer. The doctors had no results yet, but some had looked worried and therefore Leah's panic had not subsided.

She cared more for Dean than she ever had cared for anyone in her entire life, and I could understand her fear. Fate had not been generous at letting her keep the things she loved. Or people.

She was happy and optimistic now, but she had told me once that there was a voice deep down that said that it was too good to be true, too good to last and that she knew it. It said: enjoy it while it lasts because it's going to be taken away again.

Those were her darkest fears. The ones only I was allowed to see.

Eve felt some of it though, being a good friend, and she stayed with Leah until Dean would go to sleep.

I had only now realized how hungry I was, so I went downstairs to grab some sandwiches, and then got back under my covers to continue reading, while I ate.

The blog contained more of the same, things they did, places they went. People they met.

My guess about the Cullens all moving had been confirmed, as Tina describes meeting Ness's "nieces and cousins" and from then on some names of other Cullens tend to appear. Especially Emmett. Emmett said this or Emmett said that. He sure had made an impression, I thought with a pang of pain.

I missed the Cullens too. Emmett most of all.

After Ness of course.

The blog had been nice to read, relaxing, reading about two college girls having fun, some insinuations I didn't like though.

For instance before going on a holiday to LA she had written: "LA boys, watch out, 'cause the Dartmouth girls are coming to get ya!"

It could have been meant jokingly, but it dawned on me then, that if they were experimenting with art, and sports and parties, they were probably experimenting with boys as well.

I said to myself it was a good thing that I had left, because she would have hurt me in so many new ways. I thought that maybe this Tina had a bad influence on her. But if I was honest, she had been willing to experiment with boys before as well.

Me being one of them.

I heard Eve entering the house and saw on the clock that it was already after ten. I put the papers away in the closet again.

There was no need for PJ's as this week was work week in the land of ovulation.

I got undressed and lay on the bed, waiting for her.

She came up to the room, and undressed while telling me about the doctors and about Dean. She got under the covers as well, her hand went automatically between my legs, while she continued her story.

There was no all consuming burning passion with Eve, only kind and caring love, but it worked just as well for me.

I kissed her slowly and sweetly, to stop the hospital story, doctors did not work for me, and she understood and slowly began kissing my neck and shoulders, putting her story on hold for after. We followed our familiar path of fingering and stroking until wetness and hardness were adequate and then got into missionary position to start our lovemaking.

Some might say a sex life like this, is boring as hell, but I loved it. Loved making love to her, even if it was a routine and even if we used the same position over and over again.

Perhaps that was only because with Leah I had hot as hell too. I don't know.

I'll never know whether Eve would be enough for me if Leah was not around, because I plan to keep Leah around.

But despite having smoking sex with Leah, I still needed the love of this warm woman, emotionally and physically.

She was absolutely beautiful and our bodies matched well with each other.

We both liked the same things, sexually. As long as it feels good to both of us, there is nothing wrong with comfortable.

After I came, we lay down, spooning in sleeping position and she finished her story. I listened to her soft voice and smiled.

We were all lucky to have such an amazing woman in our lives.

If only I could give her this one thing. It is a lot to ask, a miracle maybe after two years, but if any woman deserves to receive such a miracle, it is my Eve.


	8. Chapter 6 Vamp Fatale

**Chapter six: Vamp Fatale**

**NPOV**

**February 13, Tuesday**

Now I knew Jake was married, I found myself believing more and more that I would someday become a vampire.

Funny enough, in all my envisions of this future, Tina was there as well.

On the long term, I would have to choose between my vampire family and my human friend.

How nice would life be if she could know my secret, and maybe even become a vampire as well. Would turning her be such a crime?

I was fully human now as well, and they agreed to turn me.

She would have a blast, I am sure of that. Staying up all night, having all the time to develop her many many talents, being eternally young, and dazzling. If given the choice, she would definitely go for that. The human fairy tale life of marriage, kids and growing old was not for her.

I don't know if it's something for me.

The last five years all my thoughts about love have only considered one person, and that one was not waiting for me. Probably the opposite, wanted me to stay away from him.

Somewhere, in a place that Tina didn't know, I think, I treasure this fantasy. Of meeting him again. Of him telling me that he had tried to find love, but that he had found no one that could replace me or what we had. Just like I had.

But if he had been married for three years, then he must have found someone soon enough.

And I felt stupid for comparing everybody with him and discarding them quickly.

I think Jasper was the only one that knew how unhappy I really was. He tried hard to distract me, but I could see that he didn't know either how to make it better.

I believe he was grateful for Tina, who distracted me very efficiently, and therefore liked her even more, despite her messy feelings that are even worse than mine once had been.

Me and Jasper got along great, as great as ever, but I still had some sort of weakness for him.

He made sure not to hug me too much and whenever I felt the tension between us rise again and when the memory of that one kiss flooded back, he would take more distance for a few weeks.

I felt like a stupid teenager sometimes, not able to get over my kindergarten crush.

After such a few distant weeks, when he approached me cautiously again, I told him how stupid I felt.

He answered me that on those times, he did not stay away to keep _me_ from making mistakes, but to keep _him_ from making them.

Knowing that he, a two hundred year old vampire, felt the same, appeased me a bit.

It was not some teenage thing, we just had to be careful around each other.

These weeks there was no tension between us, however, for which I was thankful. I spend a lot of time in his company, whenever Tina was at work. We both had found jobs, but mine only started next month.

I had told him what I had found out in LaPush, and he knew my true feelings about that, so I didn't have to pretend and be all: "Oh well, I'm glad he is happy and there is no more to it."

I was, but there was a lot more to it as well.

He didn't try to soothe me, he just sat with me. And gave me his view whenever I asked him.

Today I told him about me thinking more about a vampire future.

"I'm afraid I will live my human life only to realize I want the vampire life and then be old forever."

"There is no such thing as age for vampires, you are infinitely strong, and fast, and you don't get sick."

"I know, but if I change being an old lady, I will _look_ old and ugly forever."

"Says the beautiful girl to the vampire covered in scars."

"I'm sorry. But beauty is important for girls."

"Ness. It's not like you to be so shallow."

"Don't be offended Jazz. Besides, your scars _are_ beautiful."

"You can't even see them." He rolled his eyes, but smiled amused.

"I could see them, when I was changing. A little bit."

"Whatever. You just need to find out for yourself how much beauty you are willing to sacrifice for a long human life. Are you enjoying yourself now?"

"I don't know. I think I am, but I would enjoy myself just as much as a vampire."

"Ah, but then you wouldn't have Tina."

"Well, I am actually thinking of changing her too. She doesn't want the long human life."

"You can't do that, Ness. You can't just pick a human you like and take them as a pet. This is eternity we're talking about."

"That's bullshit, what has Carlisle done? He made Edward to keep him company, Rose to keep Edward company, Esme for himself, Bella for Edward… It happens all the time."

"You seem to forget that all those humans were dying at the time of their changing."

"They planned to change Bella anyway. Dying or not."

"That was because Edward loves her. And she chose to change."

"Tina would choose the same."

"I don't doubt that."

"And I love her. Or is platonic love not enough to change a person? Does it _have_ to be sexually?"

"Platonic or not, that hardly matters. Edward loves Bella as his soul mate and vampire's feelings don't change often. Human feelings, such as yours for Tina, however, do change often."

"Bella was a human as well, her love for Edward could have changed just the same."

"We were perfectly aware of that risk and therefore very reluctant to change her."

"Me and Tina have lived with each other for four years now, why would that change? And besides, vampires feelings change too sometimes."

"But it remains morally unacceptable to take her human life. For you it's slightly different, because you were born with a vampire future. And we would only restore that."

"I wonder who would change me."

"I suppose it would be Carlisle."

"Would you, if I asked you to?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"We talked about being careful with each other. How does me biting you fit into that?"

"I always dreamed about you biting me." I winked at him.

"Behave. You were talking about Tina." He shook his head in disbelief, but still looked amused.

I did dream about him biting me, a lot.

But I should not think about those dreams now, I needed him around, not to take distance again.

"Sorry. Back to Tina. Just think about how much fun it would be having her around as a vampire. And not having to keep secrets anymore from her. She would love the vampire life. She would be such a vamp fatale."

"And you think that's a good idea, to have a bloodsucking nympho in our midst?"

"She would shake things up here a little bit, don't you think?"

"She's shaking things up around here as it is already. Too much if you ask me."

"What do you mean?"

"Just… that she is quite something."

"No, what do you mean by too much?"

Was there something I didn't know? Did the vampires have an opinion about her that I was not aware of?

"I shouldn't have said anything. You know I am discrete about my gift."

"So someone, or more than one, have negative feelings about her then?"

"I wouldn't say negative."

He felt uneasy, but I would get to the bottom of this. If Tina was not welcome in this house, I needed to know. And if she had wronged somebody, I needed to know as well.

"Spill it Jazz. She's my friend. Want me to keep her away?"

"No. I like her. We all like her. Some of us like her too much."

"I'm not following."

"Emmett." He said, as if it explained everything.

"What about Emmett? He likes her too."

"Yes, like I said. Too much. And from what I can feel, he has done an amazing job dazzling her as well."

"Huh? You've got to be kidding me. She hardly ever speaks of him, sure she likes him, but who doesn't?"

"Then she is good at hiding it from you."

She hides things from me?

I couldn't blame her. We never spoke about love, just having fun with boys. Love is a word that hurts me.

I would definitely pay attention to her behavior around Emmett now. This could be fun. If Rose was not already at the verge of killing Tina whenever Emmett shows off.

"Are you saying she is in love with him?"

"I don't think so. Yet. But there is something going on in the air between them. Something massive, and you and I both know how dangerous that can be. So better think twice before you turn her into a vamp fatale."

* * *

**AN: Please let me know what you think about this chapter.**

**If some of you are offended by the attraction between Ness and Jasper, I apologize. I just happen to have a major crush on him, so it surfaces when I write, there's no way to stop it :-)**

**And what do you think about Tina and Emmett? I personally believe they would make a great pair! :D**


	9. Chapter 7 What a Day

****

AN: I feel like I should tell you that there will be non-canon pairing in this story (the entire story I mean). And I don't mean just the Jake/Eve and Jake/Leah stuff. If you don't like that, please don't read. Or at least try to keep an open mind. There, don't say I didn't warn you! ;-)

* * *

**Chapter seven: What a Day**

**JPOV**

**February 28, Wednesday**

Today had not turned out how I expected it. It had been quite eventful.

It had started like your average Wednesday. I began working at eight, Leah came in after dropping Dean at school around eight thirty while Damian usually showed up at ten. He was not a morning person. He worked hard and late, so I never minded his late start.

Today however, he only showed up at ten thirty, looking very upset and when we asked he said he had had a fight with Seth. He didn't want to say what it was about, and immediately got to work, so we let him be.

Around eleven Leah got a phone call from Deans doctor, saying that they had come up with a diagnosis and that he would schedule an appointment later this afternoon to explain the situation to her. That was all he had said, and I could tell that she expected the worst.

I tried to calm her down, saying that even if it was just some sort of bacterial infection, he would still call her over to hand her the prescriptions for medication. I didn't exactly believe that, he would have said so over the phone. Maybe he had no idea how anxious she was.

She had been so these entire two weeks. She made mistakes at work, but I let her come anyway, staying at home would be worse. Our "interaction" frequency had risen dramatically.

I didn't complain, but I didn't like to see her suffer either, so I hoped her agony would be over soon.

She usually doesn't work on Wednesday afternoons so she can pick Dean from school and spend some mommy time with him in the afternoon. She could take him with her to the hospital, but was not so keen on that.

Babysitter number one is normally Seth. He works as an independent artist in a studio, and that's no nine to five job. Now with the fight of him and Damian, we were reluctant to call him, but she had no choice, as option number two, Eve, was working until seven tonight.

Seth and Damian never fought, I was a bit worried now, hoping that they would be okay.

While Leah went outside to call her brother, I went to the garage, to check up on Damian.

I found him in the passengers seat of the car he was fixing, his face in his hands, sobbing.

I thought about giving him privacy and turning around again, but I can't leave a friend who is hurt, so I got into the drivers seat and placed my hand on his shoulder. He looked up at me, surprised, and then flung himself at me, sobbing against my shirt. I was used to his huggy behavior, and I was no homophobe, but I was still startled by this affectionate attack of my personal space.

I held him anyway, what else could I do? I told him everything would be alright, although I had no clue about that.

He started talking in between the sobbing, from what I could understand he said that Seth had feelings for this fellow artist at the studio. And Damian was afraid to lose him on some fancy dude, with loads of money and loads of brains to talk about fucking art.

I tried to soothe him saying that he and Seth have been together for ages, but when he said I was making it worse, I shut up and just held him.

Leah walked back in, but backed out again quickly. Emotional displays were still not her thing.

Damian was no cry baby, I suspected that he hadn't slept all night, thereby adding fatigue to the list of his sorrows.

So I took him to my place, in the guest bedroom and ordered him to sleep.

When I got back to the garage, Leah was immediately all over me. She had to wait for two more hours till she could go to the hospital, and it was clear she was not spending those hours working. Having sex in the garage was a dangerous game, but she was into dangerous today, so I complied, what else could I do?

I locked the door and went into the kitchen in the back, where I made her scream.

After she had left for the hospital, I checked up on Damian, who was still sound asleep, and went back to the garage, which was only a two minute drive away.

I had to catch up on the work that we had missed, and dug in deep.

After four hours - I was surprised when I saw the time - I got a phone call from Damian. I closed the garage and went home.

He was feeling better, and ashamed of his break down. I told him not to worry, and prepared some dinner for us. I would warm the leftovers later for Eve.

We talked about his feelings. How Seth had worked very long hours lately. He had always said that he was high on inspiration and whenever Damian had asked who his muse was then, he got the answer not to be so paranoid.

Yesterday Seth had finally admitted that he had feelings for his colleague and Damian, who had known all along something was going on, had felt as if Seth was a goner. He lost it, and Seth had begged him not to make not such a big deal out of this, but he had walked out, took the car and drove around the city all night.

This morning he had gone back home to change and grab breakfast before work and Seth was there but hadn't said a word.

I tried to tell Damian that Seth might have been right. And that he had been too negative. I understood that it must hurt to hear for months that you are paranoid only to find out you had been right all along. But Seth had told him honestly now, and loved him still.

This was something they would have to work through. Without running off whenever he is hurt.

Look who's talking...

I thought Damian could do with a moderator, as in me, so I called Seth over to talk to him.

He was perfectly reasonable, felt extremely guilty and would do whatever it takes to make it right again.

They managed to kiss and make up, and without politely waiting for my hospitality, they disappeared into the guest bedroom.

Boys will be boys, I guess.

I took Dean out for a walk. Not that Seth and Damian tend to get loud, but I was uncomfortable keeping the kid in the house while they were having sex. It was a bit ridiculous, couples do have sex while their kids are sleeping in the same house, but this was not my kid, and I didn't want Leah to come back to find out I had been exposing her baby to the sounds of a gay make up party.

When she rang me, saying that Seth was not home and not answering his phone, I invited her over as well, saying that Dean was fine, and that her brother's love life was fixed up as well.

I knocked on the door of the guest bedroom, and told them to come out.

After five minutes they appeared, looking sheepish, but happy.

At the same time Leah and Eve showed up, and I warmed up enough food for both women. There was not enough for everybody, so Seth got some junk food for him and Alec, who was on his way as well.

At times like this I knew how Emily and Sam must have felt, when all the wolves came walking in and out of their home, as if they lived there.

I liked it. I always wanted this warm house where friends would be welcome.

Leah looked happy, as soon as Alec arrived she explained everything the doctor had told her. Dean had this thing called lactose intolerance, which is why he had been feeling sick whenever eating dairy products, practically every day. This disease is quite common in native Americans, and the adopted Dean was a native boy. I had never heard of it though.

It's an annoying condition, but perfectly treatable with the right diet. She had been given an immense list of products to avoid, and products to replace them by.

Leah was extremely relieved. Although now she felt guilty for feeding him things that made him ill without realizing it.

It had been quite the day.

And then Eve cleared her throat to gain everybody's attention and said:

"Now that everybody is all happy and together, I have an announcement as well."

She stood up and grabbed my hands and said

"We're having a baby. I'm pregnant."

* * *

**AN: Can't wait to hear your thoughts!**


	10. Chapter 8 Lightning

**Chapter eight: Lightning**

**NPOV**

**March 2, Friday**

I had finished my first workweek and we would celebrate it. It had only been a two day long workweek, but that didn't matter. I had survived it and any reason to celebrate is a good reason really. I was a research cooperator with the Seattle Times newspaper, a job that could lead to a junior position as a journalist, but that as for now mostly contained administrative work.

Tina had been too tired to go clubbing, having a job obviously influences the lifestyle, and we went to a the pub around the corner to have some drinks and talk.

We could just as well do this at home, but then we would end up half asleep on the couch in front of the television. We hoped that maybe we could go clubbing later, so we got all dressed up, which is part of the celebration.

The Cullens had gone on a hunting weekend, so they didn't join us. Although they lived further now than they had in Dartmouth, we visited them more often.

I spend a lot of time at the mountain house before my contract started, but Tina did as well. Despite how tired she was after working.

I had kept an eye on her behavior with Emmett and I had noticed some strange things. She was actually more quiet around him than around other men. She usually turns men into stumbling messes if she wants to. But with Emmett she was different. She tried to get his attention, I saw that, but not in a conspicuous way. She didn't fake with him, she was genuinely interested in everything he said and did, she laughed wholeheartedly at his jokes, forgetting to throw her hair back when she did.

I could see what Jasper had meant, that some did care too much.

Emmett acted strange as well. When she walked by on high heels in a short skirt, he didn't turn his head. Having Rose for a girlfriend diminishes all need to watch female beauty.

But nevertheless he was obviously flattered by her attention. He beamed when she laughed at something he said, which is not so rare, because Tina is laughing all the time. And sometimes she would give him a compliment and I swore if he could blush, he would have.

The more attention I paid to their strange behavior, the more obvious it became to me.

Jasper saw me staring at them sometimes, and looked at me with eyes that said "told ya so."

I decided to call her on her feelings for Emmett when our drinks had been served and paid for, expecting her to deny it full force.

"So what's this thing with you and Emmett?"

"You noticed? Shit, that's embarrassing. I'm sorry Ness, I know you like Rose very much and they have been together for ages, but he is just so freaking hot. And when he smiles he has these dimples, he is just so cute."

I seemed to have unlocked some babbling lovesick teenager here.

I wish I could say that he would be nothing for her, that he's not her type, that she would not be his type. But I actually believe, just like she does, that Emmett and Tina would be a better match than Emmett and Rose.

Dangerous thoughts indeed.

"And you know what the strange thing is," she continued, "I think he likes me too."

"Better be careful Tina, Rose would _kill_ you, and I am afraid I am not exaggerating." I saw her gulp.

"But maybe, if he is into me, maybe he misses something with her."

"I'm sorry Tina, but don't even think about it. And better be sure he gets plenty with her, I used to live with them, they never sleep. Like ever."

"Shit. You _had_ to tell what a sex stud he is? Now I want him even more."

"Tina!"

"Come on Ness, you can't be that blind. You have to admit he is drop dead gorgeous."

"He does look nice."

"And he is the sweetest thing. Like this teddy bear disguised as a stud."

"Yeah. He has some teddy bear qualities."

"And he is funny, and did I mention god damn hot? He's like too good to be true."

"You mean to good to be free. You're missing the point here."

"Yes, Rose, I know. You don't think she is into like an open relationship?"

"No way."

"Damn."

"Better not get too attached. There is no chance of him leaving Rose. They are together for like seventy years."

"Ha!" she laughed at my lame joke, but I felt a bit sad, because I knew that Tina never feels this way about any boy, and now she finally does let someone into her heart, it had to be Emmett.

Damn dazzling vampires. Maybe I should tell him to back off. He'll hurt her.

When I was thinking about this, I was suddenly struck by lightning. Metaphorically.

My heart stood still.

There _he_ was.

At a table across the pub, there were other people with him, but I only saw _him_.

He lifted his glass, but I could not understand what he said. I heard his voice vaguely, maybe that's what woke me up from my reverie. He looked as handsome as ever.

My wolf.

Tears ran over my cheeks as I stood up and turned around to leave.

When I almost reached the door, Tina yelled after me "Hey Nessie, wait up for me!".

I turned around to look at her, but my gaze stopped somewhere else. He had heard my name and looked across the pub, straight into my eyes.

Straight into my soul.

He was as shocked as I was to see me here.

I bolted for the door, and started running home, followed by Tina, who had no clue what had gotten into me. She ran faster and caught up with me.

I thought I would run home and turn into a sobbing fest, but as soon as I was safely inside, I felt calmer.

I had known he was in Seattle, that there was a slight chance of running into him.

I wonder if his wife had been there with him. He still looked the same as he always had. It was so hard to believe we were strangers now. I still knew every detail about him, as if he never had left.

I know I had ran from there, but now I only wanted to go back.

Have another look. Refill my memory.

Tina held me back. She had seen him, the shocked look on his face as we made eye contact. He didn't look happy to see me, she said.

But neither had I.

And I had _wanted_ to see him.

Bad.

Still do.

I knew now that I would go look for him. Not to talk to him, just to see him. See the life he had built. See his wife.

But mainly just to see him.

See the smile that had once been my sunshine.


	11. Chapter 9 Outrageous

**Chapter nine: Outrageous**

**JPOV**

**March 3, Saturday**

Seattle. Of all places.

The world was open to her, and she had to come to Seattle.

It shouldn't be that surprising, the Cullens had loved it here, and had loved the Olympic hunting area. They didn't live in Forks anymore, maybe they had a house near the city as well now, or would go back to Forks later.

Ness had been graduated from college for almost a year now. Had she been in Seattle all this time?

And now that she started creeping back into my mind, she had to show up in real life too?

At the exact night when we chose to celebrate our pregnancy.

I almost started to get angry with her, but I couldn't. She had obviously not expected me there. The look on her face when she had seen me…

She had looked broken, her face was tearstained and I am pretty much sure that it had been because she saw me. She was crying because I was there.

Maybe she had heard my toast, the toast on our baby.

I don't think she could have, not with human hearing.

She had looked human.

Vampire's don't cry.

She hadn't forgotten about me. That much is sure.

And another thing that is sure, is that I had not forgotten about her either.

I had made myself believe that she was some old dream, that I hardly remember, but it's not true.

She looked different, not like my Ness anymore. Her hair was dyed, she wore a dress and heels, and make up. She was a different girl now.

But her eyes were still as easy to read as ever, and they showed me that I had hurt her.

And all my remorse was back.

The regret that hit me, made my eyes watery, which was not so strange in the middle of a speech about my wife's pregnancy. They figured I had stopped talking because the emotions had overwhelmed me. Leah had seen her though. Her wolf's ears had heard Tina shout Ness's name as well. She immediately understood my reaction and looked hurt.

She had been distant since Wednesday, had not congratulated me with the baby. Maybe she longed for a second child for herself, or maybe she was still hurt because she had never been pregnant.

Damian had been holding back with me a little as well, after his collapse. He was thankful enough, but wasn't as huggy as one would expect from him in times of celebration.

I had no intention of dealing with any of it, Leah's possible jealousy, of Eve and Ness, Damian's discomfort…

My situation was confusing enough as it is.

Ness can _not_ be back in my life. She simply cannot.

I have built everything like a card house, on the _one_ assumption that I would never see her again.

And now I just had.

My house was still standing, but I was still holding my breath. I needed to know, especially with a baby on it's way, that it would stand strong through more than a glimpse in a pub. A brief moment of eye contact.

I needed to talk to her.

Tell her I was wrong for leaving like I had, but that now we both had different friends and that I would prefer our lives to stay separate.

Make sure she was fine.

There were only two problems in that plan.

First, how to find her? I only knew she had showed up in that pub, maybe she didn't even live in Seattle.

Second, what if she was not okay?

I chose not to think about that.

She looked well, and if she was not happy, then I probably would not be able to fix it like I once had, we were not even friends anymore.

That first problem I would try to fix today. I would not meet the rest of our clan at Leah's, but I would go to the library. Google her again.

And this Tina as well, I knew her name and they were still together, so googling Tina might give me an extra hint.

When I got there I typed all possible ways of Nessie Cullen, but only found the links I had seen the last time.

I clicked to Tina's blog page again and went through her pictures. This was useless in my search, but I had seen Ness in real life yesterday, so this could not hurt me, and I wanted to see her.

I got to a point where I could admit that to myself.

Seeing her yesterday had not been good, the timing was off, I was unprepared. I wanted to see her now.

I enlarged all pictures of her, and looked for changes and familiarities. In many ways she had matured, she looked like a different girl, the clothing, the make up, the attitude, the smile. It was not the same anymore.

And still, it was still her face, the little freckles on her nose, the wavy hair, and her eyes…

Damn those eyes.

They belonged to my Ness.

And I knew that in none of those pictures here she was truly happy.

Eyes don't lie...

After I had memorized every single one, I opened Google and typed "Tina Portman". I got similar results than with previous searches, the blog of course, some papers she had written about literature, the same college run ranking I had found for Ness.

Then I clicked a twitter link. I didn't know what Twitter was, but found out it was a blog website, and it contained more recent messages from Tina. This is probably the sequel of her personal blog page. As I printed this blog as well, another twenty five pages, I noticed a link to another twitter page, written by Nessie underscore Cullen.

The underscore must be the reason why it hadn't showed up before. I would now find out some things from her firsthand.

She would surely not throw her deepest thoughts and secrets on the internet, but her choice of what to share with the world, might tell me something more.

Anything.

I clicked the link and printed the entire thing, without reading any of it. Not here.

Although while waiting, I could not help reading her last entry. It was dated January 30, over a month ago, and it said:

"_All days are nights to see till I see thee, And nights bright days when dreams do show thee to me. ~William Shakespeare, Sonnet XLIII"._

What does that mean?

Was it just a quote that had touched her, or was it a message to a certain boy that would read her blog?

When I got home I read more of her blog, it contained mainly quotes and poems. In some of them I could see the link to her family and to the choice about her future she had to make. She had for instance altered the "to be or not to be" quote to fit the vampire situation.

In several other entries she had added to a quote or poem who she had dedicated it to. Most were for Tina, apparently she adored that girl.

Some for Jasper as well.

I could imagine they were the ones that read her blog most often and that could relate to the literature.

The last one that she had dedicated to Jasper said _"A friend is one that knows us, but loves us anyway ~J. Cummings"_.

Obviously they were still close.

And just like five years ago, and some time before that too, I was jealous of him.

It was totally ridiculous.

He was a huge part of her life, a life I hadn't want to be a part of.

I wondered if she still suffered from her little crush on him.

Just to think that and feel the green-eyed monster again was childish and stupid.

I berated myself, but still I skipped through the pages to see which other poems she had written for him, or dedicated to him.

This is outrageous!

I threw the papers into the closet, with the rest of the blog, angrily.

I don't even know why I was angry, or who it was aimed at, but I was.

And thinking about this I became even more angered, because I should have spent this afternoon and evening with my wife, who is carrying my baby, instead of being jealous of the former crush of someone who I used to know.

Outrageous.

* * *

**AN: Poor Jake is mad. And jealous. Adorable, right? ;-)**


	12. Chapter 10 Balance

**Chapter ten: Balance**

**NPOV**

**March 8, Thursday**

The week after my encounter in the pub, well, it was not exactly an encounter, I would go to the mountain house alone. Tina has piano course on Thursday, and I finished work early.

I decided this was the right time to talk to Emmett. So I joined him on a hunt.

"Emmett, can I ask you a personal question?"

"Since when do you ask me that first? Shoot kiddo."

"I don't know quite how to put it."

"Don't worry, I never notice subtleties, just throw it at me."

"I think you are falling for Tina and I want you to back off because she is falling for you too."

"Huh? What?"

"Yeah, you wished I had been more subtle now, huh?" I laughed.

"Okay, sit down and let's talk," he said seriously.

"I'm ready."

"So why do you think… what you have just said?"

"I've been watching you, and I know you both, and you act strange around each other."

"I do?"

"Are you kidding me? You hadn't noticed?"

"Well, not until you mentioned just now. Falling for her is a big word. She's a human girl."

"So?"

"So… yeah, no point really. Just, I never thought of it that way."

"She has."

"She has?"

"See? That's what I mean, you light up entirely. To me, that is falling for somebody."

"Maybe you're right. Damn."

"Don't worry, I won't tell Rose, but I am sure she suspects something."

"Shit. That's why she can't stand Tina."

"Duh. Good one, Emmett."

I rolled my eyes and he grinned sheepishly.

Seeing that cute dimpled face I could understand what Tina saw in him.

I had fallen for men that I used to see as brothers while growing up, but for Emmett I would not fall, he would stay my big brother. Thank god for certainties. Although I have always believed that he was, purely objectively, the most handsome out of all Cullens.

"So you think you'll be able to back off?"

"Isn't it easier if she stays away, she comes to my home."

"I can't keep her away, you dazzle too much."

He smiled again.

"Don't be so proud. You could hurt her." The smile vanished. Power comes with responsibility.

"I'll try to behave. But I haven't even known I was dazzling her…"

"I saw you do it. It's quite obvious."

"Really? Who else knows?"

"I don't know. Most of them are more perceptive than you are. Especially Jasper and Edward."

"Shit."

"Don't worry, we all think this thing is highly amusing. It's just… she hardly ever cares about boys, and now she cares about you, and she is not used to rejection…"

"Rejection? Think she'll come on to me then?" he asked hopeful.

"Emmett!"

"Sorry. I'll try. I don't want to hurt her. I'll stay away, go off hunting or something. It's really a shame, 'cause I like her. A lot."

"I know."

"Oh well. We'll live."

That's Emmett alright. He jumped back on his feet and was focused on the hunt again.

Later that night I told Jasper about this conversation as we had a walk in the forest, away from all ears.

I told him that I had seen Jake as well. And what my reaction had been. And how I had decided to go look for him. And had found the address of his garage on the internet.

"And what exactly will you do with that?"

"I just want to see him again. He won't see me, I won't bother him."

"He'll notice. He's got wolf senses."

"Damn. Hadn't thought about that. But I have probably passed by his garage before, it's on a big street. I could have just passed by by coincidence."

"Ness, this is a dangerous game."

"I know."

"Is there a chance that you would listen to me if I told you not to do it?"

"Honestly?"

"Thought so. I just don't want you to get hurt. Seeing him from a distance, how is that going to help anything? He has moved on."

"Maybe seeing that he has, will make it more real to me. I still can't believe he could just marry a woman only two years after he left. I wanted him to miss me for like… at least as long as I miss him."

"He's good at denying his feelings. You'll never know if he does. Miss you that is. And I don't think he always chooses the path that makes him the most happy, he likes a bit of torture. Or at least he did. Maybe now life is easier for him."

Suddenly I tripped.

I think I have in the last five years as a human fallen more on my face than in my entire childhood. Apparently venom helps with balance as well.

I managed to save my face from landing on the forest floor, but I scratched my lower arm on a sharp rock.

Before I could even feel the tingle of the cut, Jasper's mouth was on my arm.

He held my wrist in his one hand, his other hand was on my shoulder, keeping me in place.

He must have felt my terror, because he quickly said, in a hoarse voice: "Don't be afraid. It would just be a terrible waste letting this flow away."

Now his mouth was away from the cut, I felt a little blood sipping out of the cut, and slowly dripping to my elbow.

His hands gripped me more tightly, I felt him trembling and his eyes were wild.

As they had been right before he had kissed me, many years ago. The way they keep appearing in some of my dreams.

"Go ahead" I whispered, and his mouth was on my arm again.

His tongue slowly lapped up the spilled blood and he softly licked the wound, savoring the taste.

It stung slightly, but I couldn't care less.

I was on fire, my stomach in a knot.

I tried to swallow and then whispered "Have some more... You won't drain me through that cut. Suck."

I knew it was so dangerous, the cut wouldn't drain me, but his bloodlust will make him bite.

I didn't care, my mind was numb, my body on the other hand…

He hollowed his cheeks a little, sucking blood from the cut.

When he swallowed he groaned and closed his eyes. The desire in me rose even more.

I wonder if he looks like this in bed as well.

His fingers dug into my shoulders as he kept drinking drop after drop.

Suddenly he released his mouth and pulled me against him, hard.

He was panting. Breathing in my scent.

In contrast to his rough and firm grip around my waist, he brushed the hair away from my neck ever so softly.

Shivers ran through me.

I felt his lips against my neck, his tongue was slowly licking the place where my heartbeat pulsed. He groaned again.

The adrenaline in my blood must make this even harder for him.

And my lust as well.

Boy did I want him.

I wondered if this scene was erotic for him as well, or if he was just affected by my lust, because I could clearly feel his boner.

He had once said that there is a thin line between bloodlust and sexual lust, those feelings were intertwined sometimes.

His panting became more heavy, as he was now gently sucking on my skin.

He was losing control.

"Jazz" I breathed.

And as if awoken he released me, shocked.

"Go." I said. "I'll go home, and call you from there."

And he disappeared.

There was no point for me to get into the house, there were no band aids and my cut would upset the vampires, so I went straight to my car and drove home in a daze.

Once inside I didn't look after my arm, Jasper had cleaned it up nicely, I went directly into my bedroom, closing the door and taking my vibrator from the night stand.

I closed my eyes, and saw him again.

Thirsty Jasper had always been irresistible to me, the wild look in his eyes…

When I was relieved a bit - not entirely though - I called him up.

"Hey Ness, I'm _so_ sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Don't be sorry Jazz, you were right, it would have been a waste."

I could hear him sigh.

"Are your eyes going to be red now?"

"I don't think so, I really didn't take much. And I hunted just now. Something had made me extremely thirsty."

"Did you get yourself off as well?" I asked softly.

"Ness, don't ask things like that."

"Because I have."

He groaned when I told him. He was turned on. I don't know how I knew, but I knew.

He was silent.

"Are you still hard?" I whispered.

"Yes." He whispered back.

I had expected him to deny it.

This game was even more dangerous.

"Do it now."

"What?"

"Touch yourself. I want to hear you."

"Ness…"

"I let you have my blood, let me have this."

He groaned again.

He was silent then. I waited.

"Are you...?"

"Yes." He breathed.

I took the vibrator again for another round. "Me too."

That seemed to encourage him, I could hear soft moans and breaths. And I couldn't help but releasing some sounds as well, when my second orgasm approached.

I imagined him stroking himself, eyes closed with the same look of bliss he had when he was drinking me.

When he came he whispered with unsteady breath "Oh Ness…" and I knew that that sound would appear in many dreams from now on.

We were silent again for a long time, until he finally spoke.

"This is wrong."

"So is drinking human blood. I know we're going to be distant now for a while, I figured I make the most of it while I still can."

"Evil."

"You didn't complain."

"I didn't."

"Do you want my blood when I'm not cut open as well?"

"Sometimes."

"So I guess I won't be able to stay friends with Tina, if I would change."

"No. Especially not as a newborn."

I sighed.

"I'm sorry life has to be so complicated for you, Ness."

"I'm sorry if I just made yours more complicated."

"That's okay, I kinda liked it. And technically we didn't do anything wrong. Except for the blood maybe."

"You didn't bite me, you were just helping me cleaning up the wound."

"Right." He chuckled. "Does it hurt much?"

"No, I'll be fine. I'll miss you."

"Yeah, me too. I liked being close without this thing between us."

"Me too. It'll go away again. It always does."

"This was a little bit more intense than usual."

"Yeah, this is some awesome fantasy material."

He chuckled again.

It was actually amazing that we could be so relaxed about what just happened.

Technically indeed, we hadn't done anything wrong, I have fantasized about him many times, and maybe he had about me as well, perhaps even including the blood.

But still… I wouldn't want my boyfriend doing that with another girl. I sort of made him do it, but I didn't feel sorry for that.

"I wish you were here," I whispered.

"That's even more wrong than bloodlust or desire."

"I know."

"I wish I was there too."

"Maybe it's good thing, timing-wise. With the new job nobody will wonder why I don't come around, and it will keep Tina away from Emm as well."

"True."

We said our goodnights, promising each other to call, and I opened my Twitter page, entering a little poem before I went to bed.

"_Holding you, I feel your breath, I long for you, Your kiss of death."_

_

* * *

_

**AN: So again, I'm sorry if you hate the non-canon thing, but seeing I have a Jasper crush, I totally LOVED this chapter :) **


	13. Chapter 11 Changed

**Chapter eleven: Changed**

**JPOV**

**March 28, Thursday**

It was Thursday again. And I was angry again.

For different reasons.

Mostly at myself.

But at her as well.

At her for making me think: "would she be there again today?"

While I didn't even care.

Or while I shouldn't care.

I did anyway. That's what made me angry.

Two weeks ago, another Thursday night, I smelled her when I left the garage. It was a very faint smell, Leah and Seth would not recognize it, but it was so familiar to me, I knew she was there. Close by. I took my time locking the garage, waiting for the smell to grow or fade. But it stayed the same.

Why wasn't she moving? I looked around on the street, there were several people walking by, but she was not among them. I wasn't going to look for her, she's a free person, allowed to walk around in Seattle, so I went to my car and drove home.

Later that night I thought of an excuse to go back. The smell was even fainter now, but I knew what to look for and was able to follow her track.

The scent was strongest at the start of narrow street across the garage, a dark place from where she could see the garage without being seen.

I was now sure that she had been doing just that.

Spying on me.

She had found me.

Ness was back.

She could not be back.

Not now. Not ever actually.

I said to myself I would tell her to leave me alone next time.

I waited, sniffing the air every day, until last Thursday.

There it was again. But I couldn't go to her then. I was not alone.

Eve had come to the garage and she held my hand while walking to the car.

I thought of a different way to prove my point to Ness, and just before Eve got into the car I pulled her close and kissed her deeply. She was a bit surprised at this public display of affection, but didn't complain.

And then I gave my spy another message. I lifted Eve's shirt away from her still flat belly and bent down to give it a kiss as well, before I placed our hands on it. She smiled at me and got in the car.

Right before I opened my door I glanced around, at the dark ally, but couldn't make out anything, not even with my wolves vision. Maybe she had understood and left.

I convinced myself she had.

But then why was I asking myself today whether or not she would be here again. Just because it was Thursday?

And was I hoping she would be here?

I think I wanted to talk to her.

But as the day passed, I grew angry again.

She had no right.

I had made it clear in my farewell letter that I would move on without her. What was she doing here?

I even blamed her for things that she had nothing to do with.

For me not being as happy as I should be with the pregnancy.

Yesterday we got our first echo. Everybody kept telling me that this would be the moment where the dad would finally realize it's all real, and would fall in love with the idea of becoming a father.

It didn't happen.

Sure I was happy, but mostly for Eve. And I wanted a baby, I think I would make a good father, but I was mostly scared.

Things with Leah had not been the same as well. We talked about her holding back, and see admitted she will have a hard time seeing Eve pregnant, something she had never experienced for herself. And on top of that knowing it was my baby.

She was jealous and then upset for feeling that way. She loved Eve as well, and wanted to be happy for her. We hadn't slept together since the announcement.

Maybe now was a good moment to stop. Now another live has been added to the list of people we hurt. The lives that would be destroyed if someone found out.

Everything felt a bit off. And I blamed Ness.

For showing up with such a bad timing.

For showing up at all.

She didn't talk to me, but her smell alone was interfering with my life.

When I left the garage and smelled her again, I was overcome with emotions and strode straight to the ally.

There she was, looking surprised that I had caught her and slightly frightened at the sight of me.

I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her against the wall.

This is not like me, I am a gentle person, but I lost control after weeks of being angry at myself and her.

"Now you listen to me carefully," I almost growled "haven't I made it clear that I don't want you in my life? Stay away from me."

She hadn't deserved such a fall out.

I had loved her still when I wrote the farewell letter, it had not been an angry one, and then we hadn't seen each other in five years, I had no right to treat her like this now.

I released her shoulders and she crumbled on the floor before me.

Tears were all over her cheeks but she didn't make a sound. She just looked up at me with those big blue eyes that told me how she still loved me and how I just broke her.

I turned around and ran for my car.

Back home I told myself that it was for the best. She had not deserved this, but she would definitely stay away now. Believing that I had turned into a monster.

But her eyes haunted me.

What had I done?

I saw myself through them.

A monster.

This was Nessie…

I had to go back and find her.

It was easy enough. I had left more than an hour ago, but she was still in the same position I had left her in, on the ground in that ally.

"Get up." I said.

But then added in a more gentle voice "Come on Ness, I'll bring you home."

All hard feelings against her had vanished.

I was now disgusted with myself.

No girl should ever be treated like this. Especially not Ness.

She would never harm anybody. Not intentionally.

She got into my car without speaking or looking at me, except to give me the directions. When we arrived I followed her inside without waiting for an invitation.

She sat down at the diner table and lifted her gaze at me. It was hard and cold.

She had decided I was indeed a monster.

"I'm sorry Ness, I shouldn't have acted that way. But you shouldn't have spied on me."

She didn't answer.

I looked around the flat.

"How are you? You live here with Tina?" I knew as soon as I said it, that I had made a mistake.

"Looks like I'm not the only one spying," she said dryly, not asking how I knew.

"Your Twitter page isn't exactly anonymous."

"Neither is your garage."

If we were going to have an angry conversation, I would not be able to clear my conscience.

I couldn't help it though.

"You've changed," I stated, accusingly.

"How so?"

"Clothes, makeup, parties, boys…"

She shook her head disapproving.

"So have you…" she whispered.

"Look, I'm sorry about before. That's not like me, you know that."

"I don't know that. I used to. But the Jake I knew wouldn't ever leave me like you had."

She was absolutely right, but I was not in the mood for admitting all my mistakes. I just wanted to make sure she would be okay for tonight. I had brought her home, maybe I should leave now.

"If you are still pissed about that, then why were you following me?"

She sighed and looked away, not answering.

My anger rose again at her stubbornness.

I don't know where all these negative feelings came from, but I took them out on her anyway.

"I noticed that you are still messing with Jasper?"

It was a low blow. I knew that.

And she suddenly exploded.

"You are _such_ a hypocrite Jake!" she yelled.

"Here you are scolding at me for wanting to see how you are, while you secretly look me up on the net. And yes, I still have a thing for Jazz, that is exactly the reason why I am here instead of there, because I don't want to break up the family, or hurt Alice. I can't see you taking your distance from Leah! You blame me for disrupting your perfect little life, with your perfect wife. It never was perfect Jake, not as long as you cheat on her with her friend. I'm not the one to blame for that. And you know what? I _still_ don't judge you. I never have. But don't come in here pretending you are so much better than me, because - forgive me my sins - I wear make up and go to stupid parties!!!"

She was right about everything.

Although she had screamed at me, her eyes were not hateful. Not even pitiful, which they should have been.

Just hurt. Hurt beyond belief.

I was the hypocrite monster, and she loved me still.

And I broke her again.

Pushing her away.

How would this help with my guilty conscience? I had to make it right again. Unhurt her. But how?

"What do you want Ness?" I asked softly.

"I just wanted to see you."

She started crying and I had to stop myself from pulling her into my arms the way I always had.

"Well, you have. Why did you come back three times?"

"I wanted to see you again. You never said goodbye." Now she was crying harder.

I got up and hugged her.

She clung to me as if I would vanish any second. Was that not what I had planned to do?

"I know Ness, I'm sorry. You have no idea how guilty I still feel about that. But back then, I really saw no other way. To cut you off completely."

"And now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is it still necessary that I am cut off completely? You don't love me anymore, so where's the harm?"

She knew I had loved her then?

That's a good thing, then she must understand why I had to go.

I still believed she had to stay away now as well. But I couldn't tell her.

She seemed more vulnerable than she had ever been. She was always so strong.

Now with the clothes and makeup, she appeared more confident, but she was breakable.

I could not tell her to disappear from my life completely. For good.

Not until I had removed this new harm I had done her.

She understood my silence and clung to me harder.

"I don't understand. You keep Leah close, it's not fair. You loved her too and don't push her away. She is an even bigger threat to your perfect life than me. Especially now without the imprint."

She had a point. But I still was apprehensive at taking the risk. So I stayed silent.

"Can't we try?" she pleaded. "I'll disappear again if it's not working. I need you to give me another chance. You were the best friend I ever had, I grew up with you, I need you…"

This desperate begging Ness is not the girl I knew either.

But somehow I believed I had made her this way. And I had only left making myself believe that she was strong enough to manage.

But she wasn't.

Now what?

"I can't do this Ness. Eve doesn't even know about you."

I let her go and stood up.

"You're lying to yourself Jake, why are you reading my blog?" She tried to stop the sobbing, taking deep breaths.

"Just to make sure you are okay. Happy."

"What if I'm not?"

"I don't know. I need time. You can't follow me anymore."

"You are just going to disappear again." Her big eyes looked at me with despair.

"I need to go."

"Don't go…" she whispered, almost too soft to hear.

I went to the door and stood still there. I looked back and saw that she had laid her head on her arms, her form shaking with silent sobs she was trying to suppress.

Way to go Jacob. This is just a fantastic way to erase your guilt.

"I'll come back next Thursday. You gotta give me some time, Ness."

"No you won't" she answered without lifting her head.

"I promise."

"You made promises before."

"It's all I can give." I said, and I left the apartment.

As I closed the door and went through the hall, I heard her crying full force again.

I had to hurry to get home.

I knew I could break down any minute now.

* * *

**AN: First meeting. Didn't go too well... But you can't expect them to fall into each others arms after five years of hurt. **

**What do you think will happen next? I have read some speculations, and they're really interesting! **


	14. Chapter 12 Honesty

**Chapter twelve: Honesty**

**NPOV**

**March 31, Sunday**

Today me and Tina would do something fun and relaxing. We hadn't planned anything yet.

I told her all about Jake yesterday. How I had followed him, how he had hurt me but then promised to come back. We both didn't know what to think of all that. I didn't know how I felt about him either. Me and him, we both had changed. I only knew my life had been empty without him.

I needed my sunshine back, and I believed he could be my sun again.

Even if there was never a chance for love.

I was up early and decided to let Tina sleep in. Her work made her more tired than mine did.

So I called Jasper for an update. Told him everything as well.

Whenever we called he went to the cabin. Yes, they had built a cabin near the mountain house as well, especially used by Emmett and Rose, who tended to get loud sometimes. Jasper went there if he didn't want to be overheard while talking to me. And to get comfortable, as far as vampires need it, because our calls tend to be long, now we can't speak in real life for a while.

"He said he would be back next week."

"Ness honey, he will hurt you. Why are you doing this?"

"Because I can't _not_ do it. Going on without him. God knows I've tried."

"I know you've tried too. And it's been hard. But this will be even harder. It's going to hurt a lot more."

"I guess that's what I need. Before I can move on as well."

"I disagree. I think you believe that he will change his mind once he realizes you love him now."

"I don't believe that. And I won't tell him. I know it's too late. I had my chance. He's married now."

"Exactly, you think that it will be easier going on without him if you let him hurt you again?"

"I think it will be easier if I knew for sure that he is happy."

"What if he was happy until you came back in his life?"

"But I won't affect his life. I won't interfere."

"You're wrong. You said he fell out against you, lost control, you are already affecting him, just by being there."

"This was only a first conversation, it will get better. He needs time."

"Stubborn."

"Jazz, are you jealous?"

"That's low Ness. Of course I'm jealous. But this is just me being concerned. Honestly."

"I'm sorry. Just don't talk me out of this. I need you to be on my side. Even if this turns out to be the biggest mistake of my life. I need to know you'll still be there if I mess up completely."

"You know I will." I knew indeed.

"And you don't have to be jealous."

"Sure I do. He's going to sweep you off your feet again, just like he always has."

"I think you turned things upside down. You are the sweeping one. "

"Wrong, I am the dazzling one."

"Ha." Jasper-humor.

I thought for a while. "I didn't know you felt that way."

"It's no big deal. And it has nothing to do with our thing. Is has been there from the day you were born. I used to wish I was somebody's sun like he is yours."

"You're Alice's sun."

"Alice is her own sun. She loves me, but she doesn't need me."

"I recall having a crush on _you_ when I was little. Not on Jake."

"Ness, I think you are the only one that didn't realize how much you loved him."

"I took him for granted."

"Probably."

"I won't do that now."

"He won't give you another chance the way he has before."

We were silent again, thinking.

"This is all such a mess. And it's worse than the other times, " I said suddenly.

"What is?"

"Us."

"Huh? I thought we were talking about Jacob."

"I kinda like that you are jealous. I'm evil."

"Always said you were. Are you jealous of Alice?"

"Sometimes."

"Hmm."

"What?"

"You're not evil. I kinda like it too."

"Maybe we're both evil then. You know you shouldn't say such things to me."

"You said it first."

"Yes. But I'm allowed to, I'm free. Besides, you were always the more collected one. The denying one."

"You think me being honest makes it worse?"

"Yes. And you make me more evil."

"How so?

"Make me want to be honest as well."

"Aren't you then?"

"Yes, but I could be even more."

"Try."

"You don't want that."

"Says who? I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Never mind."

"Now _that_ is evil."

"Okay you asked for it. If I am completely honest with you I would tell you that sometimes I wish vampires were not monogamous. That I still think about that kiss. That I hear you moaning my name in my dreams, and doing _a lot_ more than that too. Want me to go on?"

"Yes and no."

"Let's go for no. You got the point I think."

"So it's worse than other times."

"Yes..."

"Damn."

"Indeed."

"It's worse for me too. If you were here right now…"

"Don't say it."

"I wasn't going to."

" I really can't lose you as a friend right now, Jazz."

"You won't."

"I don't know. You're dazzling me on the phone now as well."

"I'm sorry. I'll behave better. You can't cut off contact completely."

"You know I need you."

"You'll have your wolf back."

"I won't. Even if I do, I'll still need you. Always have."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

For the first time I thought that I might be in love with him.

And I would not meet him until this was over. No secrets for an empath.

Although somehow I had a feeling that he felt the same way.

I would not say it though. We had been honest enough. Too much, actually.

"I should hang up now." I didn't want to, but it was the sensible thing to do.

"You should."

"Hmm." I couldn't.

"I'll hang up. I said I would behave. I'm sorry if I confuse you."

"That's okay, you're only human."

"Haha."

"Bye Jazz."

"Bye Nessie."

I took a cold shower to get both men out of my head. In vain.

But where I failed, there was Tina to count on.

We decided we both could do with some shopping. When we were practically out of money we put our bags in the car and went to Burger King.

She talked about her feelings for Emmett, which resembled my feelings for Jasper a bit. So I told her about my little crush.

She was not surprised, she knows me well enough.

Here we were. Both longing for our dazzling vampires, who felt something for us as well, but who both had gorgeous girlfriends they would never leave.

We didn't feel sorry for ourselves though. They were just crushes.

Instead we bought a massive load of pop corn and held a comedy marathon at home. When we had too much pop corn we leaned back in the couch, against each other, and we held our stomachs every time we had to laugh.

Tina could do that.

Let me see things in their right proportions. Make me genuinely happy.

I think I would talk to Carlisle about changing her. Or at least letting her in on the secret.

I wanted to be a full part of the Cullens, a vampire part, but not if it meant leaving Tina.

For her I would fight.

* * *

**AN: Things are getting complicated...**


	15. Chapter 13 Fearless

**Chapter thirteen: Fearless**

**JPOV**

**April 4, Thursday**

As I had promised, I went to her place on Thursday.

I didn't know what to expect, only that I had promised her, and I would break no more promises. Not to her at least.

I was surprised when I entered the hallway to smell something familiar.

She had made me spaghetti a la Ness. I always liked her cooking, but that was in a time where I had made myself believe we should be living together.

She wore jeans and a shirt, no shoes and no make up. I was relieved. This is more the Ness I knew.

I was nervous, and so was she. We didn't get beyond the "how are you" "fine" "weather is nice" stage. I was thankful for the food. She had prepared more than enough, remembering my wolf's appetite.

We ate in silence, but it was a rather enjoyable silence.

When we were finished, she cleared the table and I didn't know what to do. Should I go home now? We haven't talked, but maybe she didn't want us to.

She led me to the couch, and we sat down, each against an arm rest, facing each other.

She looked beautiful, but sad.

"I had planned out how to do this, taking our time getting to know each other again," she started "going slow, not forcing you. But now I just think that is crap. I want to be completely honest with you, I know no other way."

"Okay," I answered apprehensively.

"I am drop dead nervous. It's really crazy. It's just me and you. But so much has happened."

"I'm nervous too."

"That's honest. Thanks." She gave me a small smile.

I nodded. Still not sure what she wanted.

Well, she expected me to be honest, so that is what I would do.

"I don't know what you want from me, Ness."

"I want you to be my friend again."

"That is not a decision someone can make."

"Okay. I want you to give our friendship another chance. And I think it would come natural, if you would just let it. What are you afraid of?"

"Difficult question."

"Are you afraid we will get hurt again, if we get closer again?"

"Yes, possibly."

"Who exactly? You? Me? Leah? Eve?"

"All of us."

"And having Leah close does not hurt you?"

That was a very difficult question as well. My answer was that I simply could not do without Leah. But I had once believed that I needed Ness even more.

"Leah doesn't hurt me."

"I don't plan on hurting you either. I never have. If you had been honest with me back then, I probably wouldn't have hurt you."

"I wanted you to have the choice."

"No that's not true, because you chose for me."

"I guess I did."

"You were afraid that if I had been left the choice, I would not choose you, so you ran, not even giving me the chance. If you had been honest, _then_ I would have been able to choose."

"I hadn't looked at it that way." She was right, if I wanted her to be free to make up her own mind, I should have presented her the option at least. The option of being with me.

"You probably haven't looked at it at all, from my perspective. But I don't blame you. In the end, apparently you made the right choice. I only wish I would have been a part of your life all this time."

"I _have_ looked at it from your point of view. Just… never until this year."

"And what did you find?"

"Remorse, for broken promises. Guilt."

"Is that why you are here? To erase your guilt?"

"Yes."

Her face fell. "Consider it erased. I'm fine, I have people loving me. You can go on now. I don't blame you for anything. You don't have to bother, you don't have to stay…"

"Ness…"

"No really, I understand. You were wrong, running off, I would have chosen you, you know. But I understand, you had been patient for seventeen years, and I didn't have a clue. It must have been hell. Maybe I would have left as well."

"No you wouldn't."

She looked at me questioningly.

"You are fearless. Especially in matters of the heart. You dive in and give yourself. Completely. And you trust completely."

"So do you."

"No, I don't. I am always afraid. I would do anything for the people I love, but I do nothing for me. But run. I didn't take the chance with Leah. I didn't take the chance with you. And now…"

"Now you are taking every chance."

"Yes, and I am scared shitless."

"Because of the baby."

"Yes."

"I'm not the same anymore either. I don't want to sound all cheesy and stuff, but losing you… it has changed me. Some things for the better, but most things for the worse."

"What has changed?"

"What has changed..." she repeated thoughtful.

"The positive change is that I take nothing for granted anymore. That is a huge mistake I made. Taking you for granted. I love the people around me with all my heart, knowing it could be the last day for me to love them. Negative change, unlike you believe, I'm not fearless anymore. I'm afraid of losing. I hold back in life. Tina is different, she met me, chose me. She is my light now. I knew I could not be alone, but I didn't know I needed someone to light my life every single moment. I have become this sad dependent pup. Maybe I always was but it never was a bad thing because you were there. This may sound cliché, but it's true. I didn't realize how much I needed you, until you were gone."

"All I wanted, back then, was for you to realize I loved you and you loved me."

"I know that now. But you blame me for not seeing your love. Didn't you see mine then?"

"I did. But you didn't."

"Wasn't it enough knowing that I loved you, even if I didn't say it?"

"I guess not."

"With Leah, you feel it's enough that she loves you, even if she's with him."

How does she know all those things?

"It would hurt more with you, because I loved you more..."

"But not anymore."

"No."

"Then why is it easier for you to keep Leah around, who you still love, than to give our friendship another chance?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think I would be of no value to your life and not worthy of your time?"

"Not at all. I'm sure you are a wonderful person and an amazing friend. But that past, it seems like a dream to me, and this life is real…"

"How can you say that? We have loved each other for eighteen years. To me your friendship is the realest thing I have ever felt. Even if it turned out to be all imprint and nothing else, it was still to me as real as it gets. Nothing has ever felt like that again."

She sighed, slightly shaking her head.

I probably sounded detached. Her eyes still looked hurt.

I had to do a better job. Be more honest. She sure was.

"Look Ness, everything I built, was based on the assumption that I would not wait for you. That you would not come back."

"I know, but that was right after the imprint. You _had_ to believe I wouldn't come back to cut yourself loose from me. But now you have done that. You built your life. You didn't wait, mission accomplished."

"It's more complicated."

She sighed again, defeated.

"You should probably go home now."

"I'm sorry, Ness."

"You have no idea how worthless you make me feel right now. Here I am, crawling at your feet, begging for a little of your sunshine. And you make me feel like some low mold that is not really harming anyone, but definitely not welcome."

"Ness…"

"Don't. Just go home and leave me with the least bit of pride before I cry again."

I hesitated, but she looked at me and said "please", tears already in her eyes, and I left.

To leave her her pride, or so I told myself.

But during this conversation I got to know myself a little better. And I didn't like what I saw.

Just like last time she showed me my mistakes, without judging.

I was a scared little boy inside, that runs from good things because he is afraid he will lose them.

And that is why I left her again tonight, not to leave her some pride, but because she got under my skin and I cared for her again.

It had been the story of my life.

I lost Bella, but she was never mine. I had never taken the chance, not until Edward was back. I lost Leah, who was never mine as well. And Ness. I ran from her myself, the most efficient way to lose somebody.

If I would have been fearless tonight, I would have held her. Told her I was sorry for my mistakes, for leaving without goodbye.

Told her I still cared for her.

But what she said had hit something, something I never realized, and it was very true. I had to think about that.

She had called me on my flaws, and was right about every single one of them. I was a hypocrite and a coward. The Jake she had known had been a far better man.

Had the imprint made me a better person? Or had she?

Suddenly the life I have now seemed more of a lie, some beautiful make belief, and I would have a hard time looking in the mirror tonight. Something that should have been difficult for a long time.

My lovely Eve deserved a better man and my baby a better father.

I would have to step up. Stop seeing Leah. And letting Ness in.

I thought she would ruin my life, but I was wrong, again. She makes me want to be better, how can that be bad?

I would do the right thing. Try at least.

Not be a stranger. She needed me still, and I would be her friend.

* * *

**AN: As with Let it Be, the title of this story is a song from Kane. I think the lyrics match best with this chapter.**

_It's been a while, I thought I heard you say  
We go a long way back, and now it's gone astray  
So you left along the way, on the brightest day_

_From where we are, what a price to pay  
Some say he clears your path, I hope he leads the way for you  
I don't know cause all I know  
You left along the way at the brightest day  
Just along the way came the lightest day _

_You're Fearless, you're weighed down to the bone  
Got yourself together on your way back home  
Weightless, heavenly received  
You don't have to bother, you don't have to stay..._

www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=mV-JIl2s2eo


	16. Chapter 14 Consult

**Chapter fourteen: Consult**

**NPOV**

**April 11, Thursday**

I knew there was no chance for our friendship anymore.

And maybe that was not such a bad thing.

He was not the same. I thought that true friends could pick up wherever they left, but that was not true for us. It had all been imprint after all.

I had to make sure it was. This was not my wolf. I don't know if I even liked him now.

Still I was crushed. I felt totally worthless.

Tina picked me back up again, and I wanted more than ever to let her in on my family's secret. I called Carlisle to ask him what to do, and he thought the family should be consulted in this matter. It was their secret too.

So next Thursday evening we would all meet. I would see Jasper again. Every time I thought about him my heart sped up. This was wrong.

I texted him not to call each other this week, to minimize all dazzling.

When I entered the mountain house, and saw them all sitting around the table, I avoided to look at him. I looked at Carlisle and Esme instead.

"You are nervous" Alice stated.

"This is important to me." I explained, they were pleased with this answer.

Carlisle took the lead, telling them why we were all gathered there. I glanced around the table, looked at Jasper as well, but he avoided my gaze and watched Carlisle intently.

"I know we are normally very discrete about your gifts, but this situation calls for extra measures, for cautiousness, so I wish to know all of your opinions." He ended his speech.

"I say we change her!" Emmett exclaimed.

"We're not talking about turning her, Emmett," Rose said annoyed, "we're talking about spilling our secret, and I think it's a very bad idea. This Tina girl is a freak show."

"She has proven to be very loyal to Ness," Carlisle tempered her.

I stayed silent. I was weird hearing my family discuss my friend.

"Jasper, what do you know about her feelings?"

"Could you be a little more specific?"

"Do you believe in general she is to be trusted?"

"Yes."

"And she is truly loyal to Ness?"

"She loves Ness… In many ways." He added, a bit unsure.

I saw Edward shift in his chair, something vampires don't do, and Carlisle noticed too. He looked at Edward, expectantly, probably talking to him in his mind.

"I think she is to be trusted as well." Edward answered the unspoken question.

"Are there things we should know about? Things that Ness should know about?"

"I don't know what she knows already. Look, I feel very uncomfortable talking about what I read."

"Normally we would say no to the idea whatsoever. But Ness is alone, a half-breed, always in between, having to make a choice like that, and her best friend doesn't know. This situation is far from normal."

Edward looked at Jasper and said reluctantly "Tina is attracted to some of us, and this may influence our decision tonight."

Some of us??? Not just Emmett? I looked at Jasper, he was not surprised. Tina wanted him? I was instantly jealous.

Carlisle came to the same conclusion "To Jasper as well?" he asked.

Rose looked thunderously, because everybody at the table knew who the other person was.

"No no," Edward interrupted, "I looked at Jasper because with his gift, he must know as well."

Jasper nodded.

Who then? The blond doctor or my dazzling father?

Jasper looked at me and asked "who do _you_ think it is?"

My heart sped up again as he looked into my eyes. But given the situation nobody found it strange.

"I have no idea, if it's not you, there's only two options left, right?" I said, looking from Carlisle to Edward. I would say Edward, because he seemed extremely uneasy.

"It's you Ness." Jasper said.

"What?"

Edward confirmed what Jasper said. "This is not our secret to tell, but if you plan on letting her in on everything, even on changing her some day, you should know this. At first I thought she didn't know herself, but I think she does. I saw things…"

Oh shit, our last party night in Dartmouth, where we kissed an had sex with those boys in the same room. I was relieved that he based his opinion on this, it didn't mean anything, but I was also mortified that he should bring that up in front of everybody.

"I know what you saw. That doesn't mean a thing." The Cullens had no idea what we were talking about.

"Yes but… God this is so awkward."

I looked down, felt like disappearing.

"But," he continued "you didn't look at her, did you?"

"Of course not."

"She did. Look at you. And she still thinks about kissing you. Something you have done on several occasions, apparently."

"You girls kissed? Awesome! Damn Edward, I wish I had your gift."

"Emmett, you are talking about my daughter."

"So? It's still hot!"

All this time I was totally shocked. Tina was into me? This is not really happening.

"Jasper" I interrupted the hotness evaluation "is this true?"

He nodded.

"You didn't tell me."

"I'm not supposed to."

Not supposed to? But he teases me on all my feelings? And tells me about Tina and Emmett? And this concerned _me_.

I was a bit put off, and he looked apologetic. I didn't look him in the eyes when I asked "Is it just physical?"

I had to know if I had hurt her the way I had hurt Jake by not seeing what was in front of me.

"I think so. There is love as well, but that goes for both of you. Nothing else, so far."

That relieved me.

"I didn't even know she was bisexual" I sighed, shaking my head in disbelief.

"You mean you're not?" Edward asked carefully.

"No."

"Then why the kissing?" My lifestyle was still somewhat a sore point, but they knew enough not to be shocked.

"To get boys or to get rid of them."

"Oh."

"It works perfectly, I've done it too." Alice said casually, she looked amused.

"What?" several voices said.

"A long time ago." She waved the matter away. I was thankful that she was backing me up.

"This night is only getting better. You should show me sometimes, Ness."

"Emmett, I'm practically your sister." Says the hypocrite in love with Jasper. Blushing.

"Hmm, right. Alice, you're not related, you should kiss Tina."

"How about not?" Jasper said.

"Don't you think we are heading off topic?" Bella asked, I gave her a thankful look and she winked at me. She's always the quiet one, but she's got my back.

"So Ness, knowing this, do you still want to let her in?"

"Of course. As long as it is just physical, there is no problem right? We won't hurt each other, and she won't rape me or anything. She is my friend and the rest is none of my business."

Although I would take some time getting used to the idea.

I suppose I could have guessed that she was bi, and that she thought I was attractive. The signs were there. I just thought she was experimenting, just like me.

But it actually doesn't matter. Me and Jasper are friends too, although we are attracted to each other. I could do this. No big deal.

Carlisle took charge again.

"Okay, here's what I suggest if you all agree. You can tell her about us, but nothing about possible changing. If she is shocked, pretend it was a bad joke and the seed will be planted so she will find out sooner or later. If she doesn't ever find out, then she does not want to know, and we have to let it rest. If she is fine, you can tell her whatever you want, even about the gifts and the wolves. Then, if she still wants to, she can get to know us all for real, for a few years. After that we will see. Or do you want to change sooner?"

"No, this plan seems fine. Having no more secrets will be wonderful enough."

"So does anyone oppose?"

Rose looked away, but she didn't speak.

"That's settled then. Good luck Ness."

I knew there was a difficult conversation ahead, how do you tell someone that you grew up among vampires, that your nieces and cousins are actually parents and grandparents. That you were born to become a vampire as well. Without getting locked up in a mental institute. Of course she would not lock me up, but she would not believe me either. I had to prove my point with things she knew already, things that had seemed strange to her about the Cullens.

When I got home I found a letter under the door. It was more a note that was scribbled last minute.

"_Hello Ness, I stopped by, but you weren't here. I have been thinking about everything you said, and you were right. And I think having you as a friend would make my life better._

_So if you still want to try, give me a call. Jacob"_

His number was written underneath.

I didn't call him, but kept the note. I needed to think.

* * *

**AN: And more complicated still... Did nobody see this coming, with Tina?**


	17. Chapter 15 Zoo

**Chapter fifteen: Zoo**

**JPOV **

**April 28, Sunday**

She kept me waiting for two weeks, hadn't added anything to her blog either.

I had given up hope when I got a text from an unknown number saying "I'm going to the Woodland Park Zoo on Sunday. Feel free to join me. I'll be at the entrance at eight. Ness."

Sunday was a bad day for me to disappear. I could not tell Eve I was at work. I hardly ever worked on Sundays, and she could easily find out.

So I decided, if I was going to be a better man, that I should be honest. I told her I would meet an old friend from Forks an catch up all day. Eve looked excited, asking if she would meet this friend of mine. I said maybe later.

When Leah found out she looked cold and angry. Things were still not okay between us. And I didn't miss the sex actually. Maybe that is what bothered her.

I had promised myself I would be as honest as I possibly could with Ness. She had the right to get to know the real me. Not the make belief me.

When I arrived at the entrance, I saw her fidgeting with her backpack. She was trying hard not to look at the crowd, not to appear as if she was waiting for me. I found it adorable.

I put an end to her misery and walked over to her. She seemed happy to see me.

I hadn't expected that, she knew how different I had become, and her text had sounded uninterested, but now she was beaming. She was probably excited about the zoo visit as well.

After the polite exchange of greetings, I paid for both tickets, and we started the tour.

The atmosphere was relaxed, choosing to visit something for a date had been a good choice. Because that's what this was. A date.

We decided not to talk about the past or the future, just the present.

She talked about how the Cullens are all doing. Not much change there. And a lot about Tina. This girl had sort of taken my place in looking after Ness. She was completely different than me, but she did a good job caring for her.

I told her about my garage, and the six members of my new pack, as Leah and I called them sometimes. About the baby as well. How Eve was anxious for her belly to grow so she could show off her pregnancy. Ness asked how Leah was doing with all this, and I told her honestly that she seemed to be having a hard time.

Since her question was personal, I took a chance in asking her about Jasper as well.

She sighed deeply and said that she would rather not talk about that. I don't know what that meant, but apparently they were not such close friends as I had figured from her blog. Or maybe too close.

We talked about unimportant things as well, had fun with the monkeys, fed the zebra's, admired the elephants and giraffes. We laughed remembering Emmett fighting crocodiles in Brazil.

When we passed the wolves, she grabbed my hand. Instinctively.

I closed my fingers around hers, without looking at her.

It felt like home. She must still think of me as her wolf.

I hoped. Why did I hope that?

The rest of the tour, we didn't say much, but I held her hand, didn't want to let go. It meant something.

It meant that this thing that had been broken could be fixed.

If someone saw us here, they would think I was cheating on Eve, but this time it was innocent. I didn't care if I was seen. I could explain. But I wouldn't introduce Ness to Eve. Not yet.

When the tour was over, we got into the gift shop. I bought her a little wolf. I know it's a stupid high school thing to do, but I wanted something to remember this day by. And she understood. I could tell by her smile.

Her eyes were less sad than the previous times I saw her, but this time I was not here to erase my guilt.

I wanted to get to know her, and let her know me.

Afterwards I took her to a restaurant, and there we finally talked about us. About where we would take it from here.

"So now what?" she asked softly.

"I don't know really. Today has been wonderful."

"It has. I knew it would be easy if you just let it be."

"You know a lot of things."

"Now I do, yes."

"I should have never left."

This sentence had been in my head the entire day. And had popped up from time to time the last months as well.

"You had to. You were unhappy."

"I was not. Quite the opposite. I was truly happy, only I didn't know it. I guess I took a lot of things for granted as well. I wanted more."

"Now you have more."

"I have something I didn't have then, something I wanted. But I sacrificed a lot."

Perhaps too much. I was selfish.

"You can have it all. Be my friend, see the Cullens, _and_ keep your life here."

"I would like that very much."

"Me too."

"But things will never be the same again."

"Maybe they don't have to. We are not the same either."

"When did you become so wise?"

"Don't mock me. I'm serious. I had a lot of time to think. And very old and wise vampires to talk to."

I knew she meant Jasper, but I didn't ask. I would not push my luck.

Because lucky I was. She was ready to forgive me everything.

Could it be true? Could I have it all? That would mean having all I had ever dreamed of. Not having to choose. No sacrifices.

"I wish we hadn't wasted five years."

"You needed them to get rid of me. I understand. Just… next time you plan to leave, give me a chance to say goodbye."

"I won't abandon you again."

"You should know better than to make promises like that. Just promise me I get a goodbye. Otherwise I will wonder every time I see you if it will be the last time, that's not a good base for a friendship."

"I'm sorry for doing that to you Ness."

"Don't be sorry, just don't do it again."

"I promise."

I reached across the table and held both her hands "You make me want to be better, do better."

She looked up at me with so much affection, more than I deserved.

I planned on deserving it. All of it.

And on deserving Eve.

* * *

**AN: Aren't they sweet? :)**


	18. Chapter 16 Believe

**Chapter sixteen: Believe**

**NPOV**

**May 8, Wednesday**

Getting a second chance with Jake had done wonders for me.

He had once loved me, and gotten only friendship back. But he said he had been happy, maybe even happier than he is now, having chased his own happiness.

I would not take things for granted, like he had. I love him, and will only get friendship back, and I _will_ be happy with that.

Not wanting more. I will not sacrifice it. I knew what life was without him, and I would not lose him again.

I hadn't seen him after the visit to the zoo, but we had talked on the phone a couple of times and sometimes, even for just a few minutes, I felt like his Ness again, and I felt like he was my Jake again. Like it had been, like it was supposed to be.

I had talked to Jasper as well, forgave him for not telling me about Tina. I understood. Telling me could make things awkward between me and Tina, while her attraction to me didn't matter.

I paid a little more attention to her behavior the first week. But it did not seem to influence her at all. If I walked around in the apartment after a shower wearing only a bath towel, the way we always have, she didn't look up. And I brought up that party night once more, but she didn't give any sign of hiding something.

I began to believe that Jasper and Edward had misunderstood. Maybe she had been fascinated with watching me and Vince, just like any person keeps watching when shown porn, and perhaps it had turned her on and she had started wondering things about her own sexual orientation.

Whatever it was, it must have been over now. I never gave it a second thought anymore.

I had different things on my mind, concerning Tina. I planned on telling her about my family tonight.

I had thought about the good way to break the news, how to make her believe me. But there was really no perfect way. I would just go with my feelings.

To get a starting point, I rented a movie to watch: "Interview with a vampire". It's perfect, it has some hot men in it, and contains several vampire things that are true. Except for the coffin thing.

Afterwards I said, as casually as possible:

"Don't you ever wonder where those stories come from? There have been vampire legends for ages. I believe that somewhere among us, they must exist."

"If they look like Brad Pitt, they can drink my blood anytime," she mesmerized. What if I asked her if Emmett could drink her blood as well?

"Seriously. You think if we knew people that were vampires, that we would recognize them?"

"Sure. Fangs and all. Crumbling in the sun."

"Tina."

"You are not kidding? You really believe that?"

"Well, how do you explain these legends that exist all around the world, independently?"

"I don't know. Jesus drank blood too."

"These legends are older than the bible. I don't think Jesus was a vampire, by the way."

"If you are so serious I'll play along. I don't think I would recognize them, because I believe they would not mingle with us, humans."

"Live secluded you mean? In covens?"

"Something like that."

"In a mountain house for instance?"

"What are you getting at?"

"I think they would look like my family."

"The Cullens?"

"Yes." I looked at her intently.

"Maybe. They're all awfully pale."

"Have you never touched Emmett?"

"I wish."

"Or any of them?"

"Not that I recall, why?"

"They are cold."

"You don't think they are vampires do you? Oh my god Ness, let's make a tree house and spy on them on our summer holidays." She said in an excited kids voice and rolled her eyes. I pretended not to notice and continued.

"Have you ever seen them eat?"

"No. But don't you think you and I would be dead already if they really were vampires?"

"Louis from the movie did not kill the reporter either. Have you looked at their eyes?"

"Yes. The gold. Isn't that something genetic?" She couldn't have seen them with black eyes, because thirsty vampires stay away from me and her.

"Have you ever seen eyes like that before?"

"No. What are you saying? You're freaking me out here."

"I'm sorry. Never mind." That would call her attention, pretending I didn't want to tell her anymore.

"Do you know something about them that I should know? You seem to. Are you trying to tell me something about Emmett?"

"About all of them really. But you wouldn't believe it."

"Try."

"It's true. The Cullens are all vampires, they don't sleep, don't eat, don't age. They're over a hundred years old, except for Bella, she is my mother."

"You're right. I don't believe you."

She didn't laugh either. She just looked at me. Interested.

As if she actually wanted to believe me.

"You don't have to believe me. It's a lot to take in. I have kept it secret for so long. But I wanted to tell you. So now I have. Take some time. Watch them. Feel their skin. You'll see."

I started to get up, but she grabbed my arm.

"You're not kidding?"

"No."

"You swear on you and me? On Jake? On Jasper?"

"I swear."

"No fucking way!"

"They're not monsters. They feed on animals."

"Wow wow wait. You say Bella is your mother?"

I told her everything. The family history, starting with Carlisle. The hunting, strength, speed, senses, sleep, heartbeat, venom… The whole thing.

I kept silent about the wolves and about me being born a half-breed. About changing as well. I did however tell her about their gifts. It would be less embarrassing if she kept her thoughts pure.

She knew I wasn't lying, I could not have made up the entire story.

She was eternally fascinated, like I imagined she would be. She was not shocked at all. And once her first skepticism had passed, she was eager to believe everything I told her.

She was jealous of the extraordinary life I had lived, she didn't even know half of it.

"So you and I both have the hots for a vampire?"

"It's easy to fall for a vampire, they are designed to entice humans."

"I'll say. I can only imagine what else Emmett is designed for if he never tires and has super strength and speed."

"Humans can't have sex with vampires, Tina. We are too fragile."

"You tried then?"

"No."

"I bet you wish you have, just like me." She punched me and I stomped her back.

Yeah, I wish I have.

Now Tina knew, she wanted to see them all again and find out everything first hand.

This was what we had planned. For her to get to know them for real. In case she wanted to change with me later.

This meant I would have to see Jasper again.

More than that, Tina wanted to spend the weekend there, like we had done a couple of times before, the scenery in the mountains was beautiful.

It was too soon. It had been almost two months since my bleeding incident with Jasper, that had ended with an extremely hot phone call. But still he was on my mind a lot, in a not-friend kind of way. More in a lover kind of way.

I think he felt the same. He didn't ask me to come over.

I took my phone and dialed his number.

"Hey Jazz."

"Hey Ness. Just a sec." I waited for him to get away from vampires ears "What's new?"

"I told her."

"Everything?"

"Yes. She didn't believe me at first, but now she does. Well, not everything. Not the wolves and not the half-breed stuff. But all the vampire stuff."

"How did she take it?"

"Amazingly well. It's all one big adventure." I laughed.

"Gifts as well?"

"Yes."

"That must have been fun." He chuckled.

"It was all fun actually. She is totally thrilled. She wants us to spend the weekend in the mountain house."

"Oh."

"Right." Silence.

"I'll take Alice camping."

"You can't. Tina knows everything now and she wants to learn all there is to see. I think Alice will want to be there. And I think Carlisle will want you there too. Monitoring."

"You're right. And Carlisle will want Edward there as well. Crap. He was on to me last time, with the consult."

"Did he say anything?"

"Of course not, he didn't have to. Empath, remember."

"Right." Another silence.

I saw him before me. Thinking deeply, with his eyes closed.

"I'm not ready," he said quietly.

"Me neither."

"I think about you all the time, Ness," he whispered, almost breathed. Tons of butterflies fluttered in my stomach.

If I had doubts before, they were gone now. I was in love.

"You can't say that, Jazz."

"I know, I'm sorry… I just… I had to say it. I'm clouding my mind all the time, and now, being away from Edward, unclouding, hearing your voice, … It's a lot."

My heart was racing. I was in love. And so was he.

There was no possibility of an us, whatsoever. I knew that. But this feeling…

I couldn't speak. And my breath hitched. I'm sure he heard it.

"I'm sorry." He said again. He thought he was hurting me. No way a feeling so wonderful could hurt.

I never had hope of being with him. Not even now. So what was there to be hurt about?

It might someday, but not now. I was enjoying this bliss.

And no matter how wrong it was, I wanted him to have some butterflies as well. So I whispered, almost too quiet for a human to hear

"I'm in love with you, Jazz."

I smiled as I heard his breath stutter in his phone mic.

"Ness…"

I don't know what he wanted to say, but I figured it would sound like another apology, and I didn't want that now.

"Can't you tell Carlisle you want to monitor from a distance, the study for instance? Say that the human feelings are too much for you. It's not a lie."

"I live with Emmett and Rose remember. Tina could never be worse than that. But I'll try. I'll think of something. Don't worry. I'll say I have a difficult time with my blood diet. He won't push me then, and it's not exactly a lie either."

"Want to bite somebody then?" I teased.

"Hmmm."

"Next time I cut myself, I'll collect some and bring you a cup."

"I'll hold you to that. And I'll check your body for cuts as well."

"You wish."

"Yeah."

"Goodnight Jazz."

"Goodnight Nessie."

* * *

**AN: Dangerous...**

**So all of you with an open mind, better hold on tight. If you haven't got an open mind, run ;-)**

**It just so happens that this chapter is called Believe and that I started publishing a new story today called "Believe". It's a collaboration, and you can find the link on my profile...**


	19. Chapter 17 Game

**Chapter 17: Game**

**JPOV**

**May 16, Thursday**

I had seen her last Thursday as well. Thursdays were easiest for us, Eve had pregnancy gym and Tina had piano lessons. Nobody was waiting for us, as they both tended to hang afterwards.

We got into an easy routine, calling each other regularly. It was nice talking to her. She looked up to me, and I had missed that feeling. We were more equals now, not me the guardian wolf and she the little girl, in fact, she was the wise one, in spite of the age difference.

But still, the old pattern of me feeling protective and her feeling safe ran deep. And we picked it back up. Like I never left.

Well, we were not that close as we had been, say in Brazil. But that was a good thing. Because the infatuation I had for her there was unhealthy. It was like an obsession. This now was no obsession.

During the day I thought of my work and the evenings I spend with my beautiful wife, who was now showing a little bump.

We spend less time with the Clearwaters, because Eve was very tired after her hospital shifts, and she mainly wanted to hang in front of the television and fall asleep in the couch. Seth and Damian dropped by frequently, but they never stayed for long. They had decided to spend more time just the two of them, while they both tried to forget Seth's crush at work.

Eve knew why Leah didn't show up. It hurt her, but she understood Leah's difficulties with her pregnancy, she had longed for this as well, and she figured that it would be okay again once the baby was there. At night, when I carried her upstairs, I fell in love with her every time, and I was proud of myself that I managed to forget about Leah.

I had Ness to thank for that. First because she distracted me, but mainly because she encouraged me to try harder.

Tonight we would see a movie at Nessies place. Something we had done a thousand times when she was growing up. And looking at her getting lost in the story was still just as enticing.

Some things had not changed between us, for instance the ease at which we shared physical contact. Whenever she saw something that got to her, emotionally, she grabbed my hand, and when I squeezed it, she squeezed me back.

She didn't know it, but I pulled so much strength from this girl. She had so much to give, so much love and friendship, and I thankfully drank it all.

After the movie we were talking about nothing important, but she looked thoughtful. Then she suddenly said "I think this feels good, but I'm afraid it will go well until one of us gets hurt. So I think we need to be completely honest with each other. Even about awkward things or things that hurt. Do you trust me?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Let's play an honesty game then."

"What game?"

"I ask you a personal question and you have to answer with the truth, and then we switch turns."

"Okay."

"You can start."

"Anything? I'll make it difficult you know."

The teasing boy in me saw this as a challenge, I would come up with a question she didn't dare to answer. This could be fun.

"That's okay, I've got some difficult questions as well." She grinned, just as devilish.

"Alright, here goes the first. Your last blog is the lyrics from Dido, White Flag. Who is it for?" It could have been me or Jasper.

If it was me, we were both in trouble. If it was Jasper they were in trouble.

She laughed. "What a start. Okay. It is for nobody really, my blogs are not messages, just thoughts and feelings. But if you have to know it was Jasper on my mind when I posted it."

"Are you in love with him?"

"Uh-uh. That's another question. My turn now… Do you still think I've changed much? That I'm not the same Ness anymore?"

"No. You're Ness alright. I judged too fast. Sorry about that."

"Your turn."

"Are you in love with Jasper?"

She grinned at me. As if I had cheated in the game. But she answered in all honestly.

"Yes. Only recently. A few months. My turn. Are you in love with Leah?"

"No. That's only recently changed as well. A few months. Okay, next question. Apart from that kiss five years ago, what else happened between you and Jasper?"

"Really interested in Jasper are you?"

"I'll get to the rest, just have the feeling the more interesting gossip is to be found there."

"You're wrong. Nothing happened. Not really."

"That's only half an answer."

She looked busted.

"Okay. A few months ago, around the time this started, I don't know what was cause and what was consequence, but there was a little incident. I fell in the forest and cut myself. I let him taste the blood and it was kind of hot."

I looked at her highly amused. Still the biting fetish.

"Okay, I admit, it was _crazy_ hot. And then I went home and called him, and we both got off listening to each other over the phone."

"Wow, you have some self control, going home."

"I still don't understand how. If I should see him now…"

"Then what?"

"That's two questions, I get two as well then. If I should see him now... I would kiss him, for sure. Tina wants to spend every weekend with the Cullens, she adores them all, I don't know how I will keep avoiding him."

"Tricky."

"Indeed. My turn. You laugh with my biting fetish, what is yours?"

"I don't have a fetish."

"Sure you do, everybody does. What gives you a kick?"

"I guess me and Leah get a kick out of the possibility to get caught. Which is dangerous."

"Very dangerous."

"But not anymore."

"You stopped seeing her?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"That's a lot of questions," I laughed, but answered anyway "because I wanted to stop, especially now Eve is pregnant, and Leah has got some issues as well. I think with the pregnancy."

"It's not over. You'll need each other again."

"I don't know, we had our celibacy periods and they all ended in freaking hot make up sex. But now, it feels different."

"She won't give you up without a fight."

"Maybe not. Right now she's fighting to stay away from me. We'll see. My turn again."

"Okay."

"Since you were talking about kicks, what is the kinkiest thing you have ever done?"

"Um..." she blushed while thinking. She wanted to play this game, and I had warned her about difficult questions. I just smirked at her.

"Apart from having sex in strange places, I would have to say the last party night in Dartmouth. Me and Tina gave two boys a lesbian strip show and then had sex with them in the same room."

"That part has definitely changed."

"It wasn't my idea. I just didn't want to disappoint them."

"Right. And you hated the whole thing, I bet."

"I didn't say that. You know, I don't think that has changed so much. Before, I pretended to be more innocent than I really was. I had to. Everybody was counting on me being innocent. But when I was with Josh, we were, well, you know." She smiled sweetly. Yes, I believe I remember.

"Speaking of Josh. He came to my garage. He told me why you broke up."

"Oh."

"I never knew. Why didn't you tell me?"

"You would not be able to change it. And you'd only have felt guilty."

"Finding out ripped my heart out, knowing that you had let your first love go to keep me into your life, only to have me leave a month later."

"It ripped my heart out too."

"I am so, so sorry Ness."

"Don't be sorry, just…"

"… don't do it again, I know. I won't. Whose turn is it?"

"My turn. You still care about me, even without the imprint. I think. How much is it different?"

"I really can't say. It's not just the break of the imprint, my life is different now. But I don't think I only loved you back then for the imprint, if that's what you mean." She nodded.

"Your turn again."

I had a question in my mind. If we were being totally honest, this was something I needed to know. So I gathered my courage.

"What exactly do you feel about me?"

She sighed and her eyes looked hurt again. I took her hand in mine, and lifted her chin with my other hand.

"I don't want to answer that."

"Why?"

"Because you will run again."

"I promised I won't. And you were the one that said we needed to be completely honest. Especially about us I think…"

"I only want friendship. I'll be happy. You told me yourself that friendship is enough if you don't take it for granted…"

I think I understood what she meant by this, I almost didn't dare to ask.

"But you love me?"

"Yes."

I let go of her. This was not good.

"Please Jake" she whispered and when I looked back up, tears were on her cheeks. "Don't leave me again."

She thought that I would run if she was honest. Did I want to run? Doesn't matter. I would never run. Never leave her again.

"I don't want to hurt you, Nessie."

"You won't. I know where I stand. I hope for nothing more. I would tell you if I did, I'm being completely honest now."

"I know you are."

"The situation is a bit reversed now. You know exactly how it's like. And you told me you were happy then. At least you would have been happy if you hadn't wanted more. And I don't want more. And I wouldn't have hurt you back then if I knew you loved me. And now you know. You won't hurt me."

"Maybe I already have. Telling you about Eve. And Leah."

"That doesn't hurt me. It's all about hopes and expectations. I want you to love your wife. Really. Just, now you know, you won't do the things I had done to you, back then. And I wouldn't have if I knew. And you wouldn't have left."

We both knew what things she meant.

"I didn't leave because of that night."

"You kind of did. But knowing what I know now I understand."

"You are too understanding."

"I grew up with old and wise people."

"And a wolf."

"And a wolf…"

"My wolf." She added, and looked at me with big eyes, as if to ask if it was okay to call me that.

I had a lot to think about. Ness loved me still. Probably never stopped. After all, she could not go back to the life she had before me. I had always been there.

And hearing her call me her wolf warmed me up inside.

We were being honest anyway, so I nodded and said "You can call me your wolf."

* * *

**AN: Yay, he's her wolf again! :)**


	20. Chapter 18 Crazy

**Chapter eighteen: Crazy**

**NPOV**

**June 5, Wednesday**

All my secrets were out. And that's scary, but it feels so good. Well, not all of them, but a lot.

Tina knew about my family, which was a blast, because she made me see what a ride it had been, living with such 'magical' creatures. The Cullens had to laugh at her description of vampires, they preferred it over the more common description of monsters.

Both men in my life knew how I felt as well. Both times I was immediately sorry that I had said it, afraid that it would change things.

It did, but not for the worse. I was relieved that they knew now, I didn't have to hide, and they were perfect gentleman, being careful with my feelings.

Jake had introduced me to Eve. She seems like a sweet and lovely person, and she's radiating, clearly pregnant now. I was happy for Jake, if I had to see him with someone, I would have wanted it to be someone like her, someone that takes care of him for a change. Leah had loved him as well, but their relationship always was somewhat destructive.

As for Jasper, it was clear that the feelings would not disappear by staying away from him, we would only rise suspicion. So I didn't stay away anymore.

I couldn't really, Tina dragged me to the mountains each weekend.

We made sure we never were alone, and were able to keep our interactions casual. It was actually easier now I had admitted I was in love. We just had to wait until it passed.

Saturday Jake would meet the Cullens again. He had missed them of course, hadn't seen them in five years after practically living with them for eighteen. And he never had a reason to run from them or to forget them, like he had with me. He would bring Eve and introduce her.

I wondered a bit what she would think about his old friends, that only looked like they were in their early twenties. If he hadn't seen them in five years, they must have been just kids in his memory, teenagers at the most. Seth would come as well, he always got along great with the vampires, even before Jake had.

Their welcome had been very warm. Eve looked amazed by the beautiful faces. I hoped they would not try to be too charming, or she would be dazzled in no time.

I watched from a distance as Seth and Jake told the Cullens about their lives. No questions were asked about my family, not much had changed since they left.

I saw that Eve's eyes kept drifting towards Edward. My dad always got the attention of girls, even if he didn't want it. Especially if he didn't want it. Tina said it was the mystery that attracted them, he looks even more hard to get than the other men.

I would say that the doctor was most hard to get, but she disagreed, she said doctors were a piece of cake for her. I chose not to dwell further on that, in some way Carlisle was still my grandfather.

Eve didn't say much, but not in an arrogant way, she was all ears and smiles. She reminded me of Esme. And soon enough, I saw that she and Esme had engaged a conversation of their own.

From time to time I could still see her eyes drifting towards Edward, but he didn't look cross, so her thoughts must be pure still. I got into the kitchen to get some more chips, the wolves were eating for all of us, and I signed for Edward to follow me. I was curious for her thoughts.

Apparently I had misunderstood her interest in him. He said she was _onto_ him, not _into_ him. She was uncomfortable because she felt like he could see through her. He ensured me she had nothing to hide, as pure as an angel.

Good. I want Jake to have an angel.

Alice and Tina were chatting enthusiastically. They had become closer even, now the secret was out. Alice always was a huggy person, with Tina she never could and now she is catching up on the loss. Both shopping freaks were having a fashion discussion that could not interest me.

Something else could.

The image of a sexy vampire leaning back in a chair, nonchalantly, reading a book.

There is something irresistible about something you know you can't get. I tried not to look at him too often, some here are very perceptive, but sometimes I could not help myself.

I watched his bleached fitting jeans, his snug shirt, his blond hair that I longed to lace my fingers through.

When he felt my attention, his eyes lifted from his book, straight into my eyes. A longing look that said it all. And I turned into jelly.

I ran for the kitchen, cleaning up some of the dishes, trying to relax my poor heart.

I got a text message "Come back in here beautiful. I want to see you, before you disappear again for another week."

Great. Sms-dazzling now.

I waited a few more minutes and got back into the living room. He didn't look up, but I saw the corners of his mouth curl the slightest bit.

This man will be the death of me.

Later that night, after the guests had left, the group split up. Emmett and Alice were showing Tina how they hunted. Rose refused to go along and got into the newly built garage to work on her newest project. Me, Jasper, Bella and Edward were playing on the Wii. I lost every time of course, with their amazing reflexes, but I got caught up in the game and got to release some of my frustration, which subsided the tension between me and Jasper a bit. Carlisle and Esme had gone upstairs, to study, I told myself.

When I got tired and went to sleep, Tina had not returned yet.

Sunday morning at breakfast I immediately saw that she had been up to something, but she mouthed to me that she would tell me later.

Edward looked at her disapprovingly. She couldn't have done anything with Emmett, Alice had been there, and she could see Tina in her visions sometimes, so she would not let anything happen. I think.

Tina was very impulsive though, so visions are worthless with that.

I found out later that Tina had worked out a plan to drive Emmett crazy. He had given her the idea himself, of course.

He wanted her to show him how she kissed a girl. And Alice had been there, and willing. Tina had made it a good show. She found Alice a great kisser, so she had enjoyed it as well. And she was convinced that Emmett was extremely affected.

I began to think that Tina must be bisexual after all. Tina rambled a bit about how strange it had felt, kissing a vampire, but that she couldn't wait to kiss the vampire of her choice. Now it had been so easy for her to kiss Alice, she figured that vampires, who had been together for eternity, did not put too much value in monogamy, or at least liked a bit of experimenting, and Emmett would be a piece of cake.

I wondered what Jasper thought of this, and asked him when he called on Wednesday.

"Are you mad?"

"No. She kissed a girl. I kissed a girl. We're even I guess. If she's going to do it again, then I will do it again as well."

"Should I encourage Tina then?"

"Encourage her to kiss my girlfriend?"

"Yes. I'll tell her she got to Emmett."

"She actually did. Very much so. He's been doing Rose for days in a row now, thinking about it. Me and Edward hunt a lot these days. Edward's suffering big time."

"You're not?"

"Our gifts are different. Edward gets the image. Tina and Alice kissing doesn't do anything for him. I only get the feelings. I can use that."

"So Alice gets something out of it too?"

"Um… does that bother you?"

"No. It just seems a bit unfair that she gets rewarded for kissing someone else."

He chuckled. "I don't think dealing with a frustrated Jasper is much of a reward."

"Are you kidding me!?" I'll deal with a frustrated Jasper anytime.

He laughed out loud. "You are so sweet."

"Right."

* * *

**AN: Tina is full of surprises. And a wicked plan :)**


	21. Chapter 19 Echo

**Chapter nineteen: Echo**

**JPOV**

**June 14, Thursday**

Eve had liked the Cullens very much. How could she not? They are all very charming.

She had a wonderful time talking with Esme and she even wanted to let Esme design and decorate the nursery. Their mountain house was a piece of art and it had inspired Eve. When I called Esme to ask her - I had gathered all their phone numbers again - she was delighted. She said nurseries were her favorite. As soon as we knew if we're having a boy or a girl she would start.

_That_ we would find out this afternoon. We had an appointment at two, and we were both really excited for this second echo.

I had totally warmed up to the idea of becoming a father. I was not so scared anymore. Confident that I would be good enough. For both my wife and this baby.

"I think it will be a girl. I have this feeling…" She said dreamily in the car on our way to the doctor. Her hands held her belly affectionately.

"No way, the force in those kicks, it's definitely a boy."

"Girls kick just as hard when they are babies."

"Still. I believe we're having a son."

"Maybe you just want a son, to play sports with."

"Maybe you just want a daughter to dress up."

"I'd be happy with a boy just as well, it doesn't matter to me."

"Same here." I smiled at her.

"Just imagine if it's a girl how she would grow up and fall in love with Dean."

"He's six years older, no way I let him come near her." Did I just sound like Edward now?

"Come on, he'll be like her big brother, he's the sweetest kid."

"Yeah, she would be lucky having a brother like him."

"Although six years is a big difference for kids. He'll be tired of her soon enough."

"Maybe he'd rather have a baby brother."

"I hope Leah will come around and be our friend again as soon as the baby is born."

"Yeah, me too. I thought she would be handling things better by now." I had a feeling she was angry with me. For more than just getting my wife pregnant.

Maybe for Nessie as well. But if she was jealous of Ness, pushing me away is not the right way to get over it. Or maybe it was. For her.

"I hate that she is hurting." Eve said compassionately.

"Me too. But there's nothing we can do. Seth has to look after her."

Staying away from her, sexually, was not that hard, but knowing that Leah was grieving was hard. I wanted to comfort her, make it better.

But other than sex, we had no way of showing each other we cared.

I would be forced to talk to her next week though. There was another business meeting in Chicago, the presentation of a new model we were going to sell, and although I'd rather not go there with Leah, knowing what those used to lead to, there was no other option. It was the logical thing for us both to go. I had seen in the booking files that she had gotten two rooms this time.

We were over and we both knew it.

I just hoped we would be able to be civil with each other there, because here she kept avoiding me, and she seemed to be pissed. It could be a nasty breakup week. I didn't look forward to it.

Me and Eve didn't talk much about Leah.

Since we had been at the Cullens, she had surprised me with her perception. I hadn't thought she was stupid, but she noticed things that even I didn't notice. Therefore I believe now that she knew all along about me and Leah. Maybe that is one of the reasons she is radiant and beaming all the time now. Now I had fully chosen her and her alone.

With the Cullens she had for instance shown her perception by saying about Edward that he was a little weird, as if he could look right through her. She had a feeling that the doctor was the leader, although it seemed odd to her that four young couples living together needed a leader, a father figure that was their own age. I told her they all looked young for their age, my age, because of some vitamin mixes the doctor brewed. Now I see how perceptive she is, I wonder if she bought it, but she never mentioned it.

She had noticed a massive tension between Jasper and Ness as well, something I had not, even though I knew about it. I thought they hid it well.

Eve said they hid it too well and therefore not at all. Maybe some other vampires would notice then as well.

I thought about Ness and what she had told me four weeks ago during our honesty game.

She loved me.

It had shocked me. I needed time to think about it. But she asked me not to treat her any differently and especially not to run. She said she would be happy just being my friend.

And close friends love each other right? And if she was _in_ love, then it could pass. Just like she was waiting for her renewed crush with Jasper to pass.

I was glad to have her in my life again. Hadn't realized how much I had missed her. Being close to her, holding her, watching her being caught up in something, it all brought back happy memories without pain.

In some ways I loved her still as well.

When we arrived at the doctors office, I saw how Eve's excitement grew. She is always a calm and composed person, but now she was practically bouncing up and down. It would have been funny, if I wasn't just as eager and nervous.

The doctor smeared the cold jelly on her now giant tummy. I remembered from last time that I could not recognize at all what the doctor was showing on the screen. But the fetus had been so small then. I had heard from other people, mainly clients in the garage willing to give me all their advise, that the second echo is a lot different. You get to see the hands, the feet, the head. We really looked forward to that.

When the screen was turned on, however, all we saw was a grey mass. The doctor frowned and moved his camera thing over her belly.

And then there it was. A little head. Our baby on the screen.

Eve saw it as well, and grabbed my hand, overcome with emotion. With her other hand she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes, not wanting to miss a second of this introduction with our baby.

"Hello there" she said in an unsteady voice.

The image shifted so that we now had a clear view of the tiny baby, we saw the head and the little arms, it all looked so perfect.

I couldn't believe we had to wait another twenty weeks until we could hold this little midget of ours. I could not make out if it was a boy or a girl, but sure the doctor would know how to find out.

He kept moving the camera around and we wondered if he couldn't see. Sometimes the baby is in a wrong position to see the sex on the echo. That would mean we would have to wait, before we found out.

I managed to take my eyes away from the screen and look at the doctor. He was still frowning.

"You can't see the sex can you?"

"I'm sorry." He said.

I was going to say it was okay, that we would be happy with our baby whatever it will be, but then he continued.

"I can't find a heartbeat. I'm afraid your baby has died. I'm terribly sorry…"


	22. Chapter 20 Visit

**Chapter twenty: Visit**

**NPOV**

**June 17, Sunday**

Last Friday at the Cullens, we had all watched a movie. Well, not all of us, all but Tina, Emmett, Rose and Carlisle. I didn't know where they were, but everybody was free to do as they pleased and I had no doubt Tina was somewhere near Emmett.

There was enough room for six on the couch so nobody had to sit on the floor. Edward was in between Jasper and me, so we could not look at each other, which was probably a good thing. Needless to say, over the last few weeks my feelings for him had far from subsided. Maybe Edward knew and was in between us for that reason. Because if I would have had the choice, I would be pressed up against Jasper for sure.

After the movie I went to bed, but I had a hard time falling asleep. Thinking of him.

Until suddenly, without any sound, my door opened and there he was, Jasper stepped in.

I sat up, but before I could say anything, he put his finger to his lips, motioning me to stay silent. We were not alone, vampires could hear our every breaths.

He shut the door, and leaned against it. Eyes closed. Probably clouding and monitoring.

My heart rate was alarmingly high, a million thoughts raced through my head, hoping that he was up to something, something that I would like.

He opened his eyes, and looked at me with a small smile. A calming vibe came my way. My heart would give us away if I couldn't keep it down.

He stepped over to the bed and sat down in front of me.

His hand went to the back of my head, fingers in my hair, tilting my head slightly and without warning or hesitation, his lips were on mine.

He kissed me ever so softly. Careful not to make the least sound. I fought back a moan and tried to stay calm.

The kiss deepened a bit, his cold tongue slowly ran over my lower lip.

My tongue met his and he sighed softly as he pulled my face closer to his. Our tongues were caressing each other and it was the best kiss I had ever had.

Even better than that one passionate kiss I had shared with him. This was not an act of lost control, this was intense and romantic. I thought the butterflies in my stomach would kill me.

He pulled back and leaned his forehead against mine. Looking into my eyes.

He waited a while for himself to calm down, before he could send me another calming vibe.

His hand was still in my hair. His gaze was intently on mine, searching for something. I don't know what. He didn't look dangerous, or smug, he looked vulnerable. And in love.

I moved in closer, and kissed him again. His mouth opened immediately and our tongues were reunited. This feeling was so amazing, I never wanted it to stop. Ever.

This soft and sweet kiss alone was turning my world up side down. Boy was I in love with him.

His lips and tongue were now warm against mine. My hands roamed over his chest, down his abs. But he pulled back again.

With his free hand, he took my wandering hand, stopping it from going further. And another calming vibe.

He was asking me to behave. Not to push him.

I wouldn't. I tried to relax.

He lifted my hand up to his face and smelled at my wrist where the blood was pumped at high speed.

He inhaled deeply, closing his eyes and then ran his tongue over my wrist. Shivers went down my spine.

We looked into each other's eyes for the longest time. This felt so intense.

But I could look into his eyes as much as I wanted, the kissing however, I had no idea if I would ever get another chance. So I kissed him once more.

This time I tried to stay calm, and kept my hands in his hair. He didn't pull back. He kissed me softly and slowly for what seemed like hours.

Until all my muscles were killing me. He felt it and released me.

I didn't want him to go, but I knew they had to find out sooner or later he was missing, so he had to go back and we had to be thankful for this moment.

The next morning at breakfast Tina knew instantly something was up. And I noticed some things with her as well. We didn't speak about it, but left the Cullens before lunch so we could talk. I hadn't seen Jasper yet, I didn't ask.

I found out what was up with Tina soon enough.

Emmett had asked her to join him for a sunset in the mountains. At first several vampires would join them, but one by one they had different plans, and they had ended up going alone, without anyone noticing. He had shown her a secluded spot with a magnificent view, but the sunset she had never seen.

She had started kissing him and he had kissed her back enthusiastically. He was afraid of hurting her when they would go any further, so she told him she would take the lead. Tina likes being in control. They had sex under the stars, until the sun had long disappeared, she told me proudly.

I wasn't exactly proud of her, but I was no better, I had kissed Jasper and loved every second of it, without thinking of Alice. Me and Tina would ruin this family.

Bullshit, she said, Jasper had come to my room, I had not invited him, and Emmett had asked her to watch the sunset. They are old enough to know what they are doing.

On Wednesday Jasper didn't call, the way he normally does.

I started to get a little worried. I expected him to call on Sunday already, talking about what had happened that night. And now three days later still no news.

He was probably sorry. So I texted him with a casual note, asking if he was okay. He send back that everything was fine, but he didn't call.

I was more than worried. I was scared.

Tina hadn't heard from Emmett either, but she didn't mind. It was a great fuck, and she knew that neither of them was sorry. That was that. If only life were that simple for me.

In some ways I was sorry, I love Alice, and I never want to hurt her. In other ways I was only sorry I didn't get more than a kiss.

The next weekend we didn't go over there. And nobody asked us. I wondered if the Cullens all knew what had happened.

I hadn't seen Jake this week. Our Thursday appointment had been cancelled, because Eve would be having an echo that day to find out the sex of the baby. Afterwards he and Eve would celebrate with just the two of them, whether it was a boy or a girl.

I was curious as well, but this was something private for them, so I would wait for him to call me. I said to myself I would not interfere with their happiness, and if they needed some days alone as a couple to enjoy the second introduction with their baby, then I would not get in between.

Eventually, on Sunday evening, more than a week after the kiss, I finally got a call from Jasper.

"Hey Jazz."

"Hey Nessie."

"What's up?" I would not bring up the kiss, I didn't know if he was alone and I guessed that he was too sorry to discuss it.

"I've been thinking a lot this week."

"About?"

"You know about what. Me and you."

"About the kiss?"

"That as well."

"You're sorry."

"I should be. But I'm not."

I was relieved. But still scared.

"Then why do I feel like there's something wrong?"

"That I'm not sorry is _very_ wrong. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I love Alice. I don't love you. I don't know why I came into your room."

I felt my heart breaking. I knew there was no future for us, but I had been sure that he loved me as well. Maybe not as much as he loved Alice, but a little.

He didn't.

Then what did I feel in this kiss? What was it, if not love?

"Ness, are you still there?"

"Yes." I tried not to sound too hurt.

"I have been thinking of leaving with Alice."

At this I hung up and turned off my cell.

Not again. I wasn't going through this again.

Jasper had been the _one_ person that I was sure would _never_ leave me. I still wasn't certain about Jake. But Jasper... He would never ever leave.

And now history repeating. One night, a physical attraction, a mistake. And I lost another love.

I didn't want to hear his story. I didn't want a chance to say goodbye.

This I would not survive. He promised so many times. He would not do to me what Jake had done.

I got into bed and felt the world crumbling down.

Until I heard a tap against my window. Vampire visiting. Maybe Alice saying goodbye.

I opened it, but it was Jasper stepping in.

He immediately pulled me close to him, against his chest. I kept sobbing.

"I'm not leaving Ness. I promise. You didn't let me finish."

"What?"

"I would never leave you. Ever."

"But you want to."

"No I don't want to. It's the last thing I want. I said I was thinking about it, but the thought alone is killing me."

"You don't have to stay because you feel sorry for me. Jake is back now."

Now he looked hurt. "I thought you said you would still need me, even though he's back."

"Not if you'd rather be some place else."

"You're not listening. I don't want to be anywhere else, but here with you."

"But you don't love me."

"Sure I love you, you know how important you are to me."

"I thought you loved me in another way as well."

"You did? I don't know. I'm never good with my own feelings. You think I love you?"

"That kiss… Yeah, I thought you did."

"Hmm. Maybe I do... Now what?"

"I don't know. Who knows about our kiss?"

"Nobody does. I hope. Emmett sure made for enough distraction."

"They know about Emmett?"

"Yes. Him and Rose are on holiday to Europe, working things out. If they don't kill each other."

"What dickhead invented monogamy anyway?"

He laughed. And I loved that sound. God how I love that sound.

I wish I could set Alice up with Tina so that we could be together. But Jasper loved her more than he loved me, so he would end up unhappy. And I didn't want that.

"I have to go back, I said I would run for a movie, and Alice wanted to come along, so I said I would be back in a few. I just had to tell you I'm not going anywhere. Don't hang up on me again, honey."

"I just thought…"

"You have to trust me."

"This is a complicated situation, and I understand if you have priorities."

"I do, and you are one of them. Alright?"

"Alright."

He grabbed a DVD from my stack to take back home with him. "When can I see you again?" He asked.

"Whenever you want."

"Whenever?"

"Yes."

"Can I meet you here?"

"Yes." Even better without the vampires around. I needed another kiss like that.

"I'll see when I can get here. I want to see you again soon."

He went to the window again, but changed his mind and pulled me close for a quick kiss on my lips, before he disappeared.

* * *

**AN: If you are curious as to how I pictured the characters, you are welcome to check it out on my profile page... Are they pretty much how you imagined them? Or entirely different?**


	23. Chapter 21 Tears

**Chapter twenty one: Tears**

**JPOV**

**June 21, Thursday **

Everything happened as in a haze. Like I was outside my body watching this whole scene that had turned into a nightmare. As if I was screaming without a sound. My body stayed numb.

Eve on the other hand was all tears and screams. I couldn't let my body break down now. I stayed detached. I knew as soon as the thought of my baby girl would appear in my mind, I would crumble to ashes.

On Saturday the fetus was born. I held Eve's hand, stroking her forehead, and she screamed the entire time. It was the most horrible thing I had ever seen. I don't think I will ever forget the horror and the agony of those hours. It ripped my heart to pieces just to see her like this.

We didn't get to see the baby, didn't get to say goodbye. We never knew we had to ask for that. I had no idea what my body was doing, signing papers, paying hospital bills.

I wanted to cancel the business meeting, but she didn't let me. We needed to keep the garage going, because Eve would not be able to work in the hospital for a while, working with kids, sick kids, some dying. The garage would have to provide for both of us. So the meeting was still on and I would be in Chicago from Monday till Friday.

I think in fact that neither of us protested so much because we needed time apart. She seemed to pull away from me. I tried hard to be there for her, but she wouldn't let me hold her while she cried all night, so I just ran around bringing her food, blankets, pillows, I don't know what.

I looked forward to arriving in Chicago, where I would finally be released from this numbness, and finally be able to break down without any witnesses. Thank god for the two booked rooms.

We hadn't told Leah and Seth yet. They would find out soon enough, they were part of our family, so had the right to know. I only felt that Leah had less right to know, because she hadn't been happy for us in the first place.

Eve's mother would come over to take care of her. She lived outside Portland, a three hour drive away. She had once lost a baby as well, so when we told her, she immediately started making arrangements to come over. I was glad to get some help, because I don't think I was doing a very good job taking care of my wife.

I was actually in no state myself. Admitting we needed help was a big step, a necessary one.

In the plane to Chicago I pretended to sleep. I had no need talking to Leah. She still seemed pissed, so I don't think she wanted to talk either. The sleeping was fake of course, I hadn't slept well in days.

Once we arrived I said I was sick, not wanting any dinner, and went into my room. Without unpacking I dropped on the bed, and finally the tears came.

I thought the pain would rip me apart once I let it in, and it did, but in a way I felt like I needed it. It reassured me that I had really loved our baby girl, that I had really wanted to be her father. Hurting over something you know you loved, is better then _not_ hurting over something you _thought_ you loved.

I let the tears come. I cried over my beautiful daughter that I would never get to know, over the unfairness of it all, over my wife who was broken beyond repair, over my own heart, that had made a room for this girl, a room that never would be filled. I felt like my tears still would not be finished by Friday. Leah would have to attend to the meeting alone tomorrow.

After a few hours I heard her knocking on my door, asking me to let her in. She knew I was "sick" so why did she want to disturb me? Had I been crying too hard?

She said she wouldn't leave until I let her in. What right did she have? This is private. She would just have to sleep in the hall then.

But when she began to plead, very unlike Leah, I let her in anyway. Without cleaning up my face.

When I opened the door she sat on the ground, leaning against the wall, crying as well. She jumped up and embraced me, asking me what was wrong.

She had been crying because I was. And she wanted to comfort me. Something I had failed to do when she was hurt over our pregnancy.

I told her we lost the baby. And she held me and we cried together. There was something therapeutic about crying together.

After a while she pulled herself together, unpacked my suitcase, changed me into my pajamas and put me to bed. She went to her room, changed as well, and got back into the bed with me.

There was no talking, no kissing, no sexual healing, just an embrace.

I let the pain wash over me, and in a way it felt right, not good obviously, but like it was supposed to hurt so bad. I let it come.

And finally, I fell asleep. And I slept all night. In her arms.

The next morning I called Eve.

"How are you honey?"

"How do you think I am?" she answered harshly.

"Are you angry?"

"I can't believe you can be so insensitive to ask me how I am. In fact, I can't believe how insensitive you are all the time, running around, taking care of everything, it was your baby too goddammit!"

"Don't you think I know that? Honey, where is this coming from?"

"It wouldn't kill anyone just to shed a few tears, you know."

"Oh believe me, I've shed tears, rivers in fact."

"Not that I've seen," she said, in a more mild tone.

"I want to be strong for you…"

"Oh Jacob, I don't need you to be strong for me, I need you to break down with me. I need to feel we are in this together. I feel so godforsaken alone." At this she started to cry again.

"I'm coming home right now."

"No, I'm at my mother's house. I couldn't stay home. And you have your meeting."

"So you want me to break down but keep working?"

"No. Just finish this and then come see me here in the weekend."

"You're not coming home when I get back?"

"We'll see, not yet I think. I just can't…"

"I understand. I'll come over first thing Saturday."

"Okay."

The next days I let Leah take care of me. I wasn't numb anymore. But I was raw.

She dragged me to the meeting during the day, she showed me which contracts to sign, which people to greet. I wore my mask.

She cancelled her room and moved in with me. She held me every night, and oh the bliss of sleep. I would never take sleep for granted anymore.

She washed me and she fed me. I hoped that Eve's mother was doing the same for her.

We could never have taken care of each other like this. This state we were in.

If Eve were to come home, we would have to ask someone to stay with us. Or maybe in a few weeks things would start to get better again. Maybe we could by then choose the moments to let the pain in, and function properly just enough to survive the rest of the time.

Right now, I didn't feel like I would ever function properly again though.

* * *

**AN: Poor Jake. I guess we all know who might be able to comfort him...**


	24. Chapter 22 Sleep

**Chapter twenty two: Sleep**

**NPOV**

**June 21, Thursday**

I still hadn't heard anything from Jake and he had known the sex of his baby for a week now. I send him a text on Tuesday, and he didn't answer my question about the baby. He just asked if he could come over on Friday. He was on a business meeting now, but needed to talk to me.

I was a little worried. I figured the doctor had not been able to tell them whether it was a boy or a girl, and that now he had other things on his mind. Maybe he had a big fight with Leah. He said she had been acting strange, and now they were on this trip together. I knew Jake didn't want to be there. But as far as I knew, he could just as well have made up with Leah and feel guilty about that. I would have to wait until tomorrow.

I put on my pajama, got into bed and called Jasper to talk to him about my worries. He managed to distract me by asking me about Tina.

She was fine. I don't think she was in love with Emmett. She had her piano course today, and I think she had a thing for her piano teacher, because she tends to stay away late on Thursdays. She hadn't said anything about him yet, but that was the same with Emmett. Maybe she liked this one a lot as well.

Suddenly Jasper asked: "Are you alone then?"

"Yes."

He stayed silent, I knew what he was thinking and he was hesitating.

"You're welcome to come over."

"You sure?"

"Of course."

Click.

I smiled. He was on his way.

He could get here in about ten minutes, but the time would depend on the excuses he had to make up with the rest. I checked my pajama to see if it was presentable, which is totally ridiculous, this is a man I used to live with, who has seen me at my worst a million times before. It was a relatively warm day, and my window was already open. I sat up, leaning against the headboard and waited for him.

I hoped for kisses, if he didn't plan to kiss me, then talking on the phone would be enough. Maybe he just wanted to talk face to face.

I didn't believe that. Last time when he left, he had kissed me briefly, but it was a kiss that said he wanted more, and there is definitely more where that came from.

When he got into my window I gasped, he looked amazing, as always, as he grinned at me.

He didn't say a word but sat on my bed in an instant, and before I knew it he was kissing me.

I was in bliss again. He wasn't so silent this time. Both his cool hands were in my neck and his mouth was kissing all over my face. Mostly my lips though.

I laced my hands in his hair and pulled him closer to me. I had dreamed about this so many times. Having him with me in my bed. Kissing me. Holding me. Being mine just for now.

"Careful," he said, as my kisses grew more hungry "I don't plan on draining you tonight."

I snickered and answered while I kissed his face "you can drain me anytime."

"I don't think so. Let's keep you alive."

"How long can you stay?"

"As long as you want."

"Forever?"

"You don't want that."

"Try me."

He smiled sweetly and pulled me close in a hug.

"Oh Ness, this is so wrong. I feel like crap for doing this to Alice, but I also feel like I'm in heaven right now, and I want to be selfish so much, and deal with crap tomorrow."

"I want you to be selfish too."

"You have no idea how long I have dreamed about this," he whispered against my neck.

"Me too."

He looked me in the eyes. "I'm in love with you too Ness."

There were the butterflies again. He could hear my heart stutter and he smiled. That smile… I wish I could put it in a box and keep it with me all the time.

"I like feeling what you feel."

I kissed his lips again. My hands were traveling through his hair, he liked that, he moaned and closed his eyes.

"I can recall years when you didn't like feeling what I felt."

"That's because you felt it for other boys."

"That was not the reason. We were just friends then."

"If you say so."

"Don't you think?"

"I don't know. You know I can't translate with my own feelings. When you were little and you had your crush on me, there was no such thing for me of course, but even then I was jealous of Jake, I told you that."

"Were you jealous of Josh too?"

"Definitely."

"You hid it well."

"Thank you."

We both laid down in the bed, under the covers. They were not exactly needed, but with Jasper's cold skin, all my warmth would be welcome if I intended to keep him close. And I intended just that.

He had said that I needed to be careful. His eyes were gold, he was not thirsty, but lust and bloodlust are closely related, so things could change rapidly.

I wanted nothing more than to make him mine in every possible way. And I didn't need to tell him that, he knew. But he was the one with the girlfriend, so I would let him set the pace.

In fact, I was happy just holding him tonight. I had no idea I missed that so much, somebody to hold when you fall asleep and when you wake up. I didn't know I was this lonely.

Maybe getting only friendship back would not be enough for a much longer time.

Right now of course, I was getting more than friendship. This gorgeous vampire was in my bed, in my arms, sweetly and softly kissing my lips. His hands were tracing the lines of my face and my neck. God I loved his touch.

My body ached for more. He lay on his side, looking at me, while his cool fingertips ran slowly over my shoulders down my arms. I closed my eyes and let the goose bumps do the talking. I stopped thinking, and wishing and hoping.

There was just here and now, just him and me.

"You are so beautiful to me, Nessie," he whispered.

"So are you, Jazz."

He lay on his back and pulled me halfway on top of him. It wasn't uncomfortable, I had rested against his hard chest many times. This night was different though.

His fingertips were running over my back, under my top.

"Sleep honey," he said in my hair.

Yeah right, as if I would sleep with him here. I could think of better things.

"Seriously. You have to work tomorrow. I'll hold you while you sleep."

"I don't want to sleep, I want other things" I answered as I slid down against him a little bit, so that my hip bone was against his erection.

He didn't make a sound, but his fingertips pressed against my back, holding me still.

"Me too, Nessie, but please…"

He didn't want to go there. Kissing was cheating enough.

I understood. I would take whatever I could get. All is fair in love and war, right?

I don't know. I used to have morals.

I used to be happy waking up from a dream where I had ravished Jasper, being glad that it hadn't really happened, that I hadn't hurt anybody with my behavior.

Now I was happy to have him here. Trying to get him to make me his. Somewhere I must have gone off track.

But I would worry about it later.

Right now, I had this feeling that maybe this one was made for me. Maybe Alice and him were never meant to last forever, just until I was ready. Ready to make him mine. God, I wanted him to be mine.

I pressed my face in his neck, and I whispered the words that hadn't even crossed my mind "I love you."

His hands were still against my back. He was entirely frozen.

But then he turned his head and kissed me for the longest time. Until I was dizzy of him.

My head rested on his shoulder again and he said softly "I love you too."

I sighed, lovesick.

"I hope this is enough for you, Ness. I don't want to disappoint you. I personally think this is more beautiful than hot sex. Even if I was single I would prefer this for our first night."

"I'm not disappointed, you can feel that. This is more than I hoped for, just being held at night, I never knew I wanted that so bad. First night, you say?"

"I'll be back. Now sleep."

The next morning I woke up feeling his now warmed fingers roam over my skin. Somehow he had removed my top without waking me, and my naked chest was against his bare chest.

I didn't mind. I wanted to be closer still.

I only wondered how he had managed it, while I was such a light sleeper. But being an empath vampire might have something to do with that.

When he noticed I was awake - the instant butterflies were revealing enough - he lifted my chin and kissed me deeply.

His hands caressed my arms and my breasts.

If he thought this would lead to us just holding each other, he could be surprised. Sure he must feel what he's doing to me.

My hands were all over his body as well, and he didn't stop me. Somewhere in the night he had removed his jeans, and now we were both in our underwear.

I felt him through his boxers, rubbed him and he moaned against my mouth. That sound reminded me of that one hot phone call.

I prayed that he wouldn't stop me now, I needed him all the way, inside me. I needed him to make love to me.

We didn't talk, we kept kissing, our tongues couldn't get enough of each other, our hands were touching and rubbing everywhere. Underwear was removed and his naked body was now pressed against mine.

How I have longed for this, dreamed about this. I didn't want much foreplay, afraid that he would change his mind, I didn't need it anyway.

"You drive me crazy," he whispered against my neck, while my hips were rocking against his.

"Good," I answered, smiling.

He had been driving me crazy for years now, time to get back at him.

We kept kissing when he entered me. He was really tender and careful, afraid to hurt me. But nothing ever hurt less.

Finally my body got what it had ached for ever since that passionate kiss. And I savored every second.

He moved slowly, not wanting to let go, setting me on fire and driving me totally insane. I was writhing and moving underneath him, needing more speed and pressure.

He took pity in me, and lowered his hand between our bodies.

He kept moving slow, but his fingers… They were not slow. They made fireworks explode over and over.

At last he removed his hand and pressed me even closer to him. He was buried deep inside me, and he sighed against my neck as I felt his body shiver against me.

After I had recovered some, we showered together, kissing as much as we could.

I called in sick for work and we got back into bed, where we stayed until noon.

After he had left, I called Tina up at work and told her everything. She had figured so much already. Apparently I had been a little louder than him this morning during her breakfast.

I could see now how she had been so happy after sleeping with Emmett. I didn't care about being a cheater one single bit.

Not after this amazing experience. I just hoped Alice would never find out.

What she doesn't know can't hurt her.

* * *

**AN: So Nessie doesn't know Jake's drama yet, and she is a little lost for the moment. Go easy on her...**


	25. Chapter 23 Distraction

**Chapter twenty three: Distraction**

**JPOV**

**June 22, Friday**

When we got home Leah asked if I would be okay and then left to be with her family. I promised to call her if I needed anything. First I had to call someone else, to tell her my news.

"Hey Jake, back from Chicago?" she asked cheerfully. I thought about not letting her know, she was a part of my world that was not yet grey, I wanted it to stay that way. I longed to see her smiling face.

"Hey Nessie. I'm back yeah. When do you get off work?"

"Um… I'm not at work today."

"Oh. Are you sick?"

"Not exactly no." She laughed, as if I made a joke without knowing. The sound made me a little bit more alive.

"So you are at home now?"

"Yes. Are you okay? You sound weird."

"Can you come over?" I didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to drive either.

"Sure, I'm on my way."

When she arrived I had cleaned myself up a bit. I decided not to tell her right away. If I would, there would be no more chance to see her smile and hear her laugh, like she had on the phone. She was in a happy mood, and I would drink from that like a parasite.

And then kill it.

"So tell me what made you so happy today," I asked. I hit the jackpot. She smiled ever so sweetly and started blushing furiously. Beautiful.

"Um… I had company." Oh, it's a sex glow. Beautiful nevertheless.

"Last night?"

"And this morning."

I think I knew who she meant, because she had slept with boys before, but never looked like this. "Anyone I know?"

"Alright. You're on to me. It was Jasper."

Thought so. "And Alice?"

Her smile faded instantly.

Damn, killed it already. Couldn't I just be happy for her? And maybe _not_ judge her? I know how long she had wanted this, and how many times she had controlled herself.

"I'm sorry. You look like it was an amazing night."

"It was." She sighed dreamily. "And you know, the sex wasn't even the best part. The best part was that he held me all night. I never knew how much I needed that."

"But he can't be with you every night."

I didn't know she was so lonely. But of course she had to be. Josh was her one and only boyfriend. She had slept with boys the last five years, but hadn't cared about anyone enough to let him hold her. Maybe I should be thankful to Jasper, even if what he did was wrong.

"No. But he said he would be back. Probably not tonight. It's weird. It's just been one night, but I am really reluctant to go to bed alone today."

I wanted to ask her to stay with me. I didn't want to be alone either, and I couldn't ask Leah because she was home again, finally reunited with Alec and Dean. But I wouldn't ask Ness.

She loved me, and I would be using her. That is what she had done to me five years ago. It had hurt me. When she stopped needing me and went back home, she had broken my heart. She didn't know I loved her then, but I know she loves me now. I won't use her.

"I have something to tell you Ness, but I'm not ready. Do you want to watch a movie with me?"

My favorite passed time with her was, and always had been, watching her get caught up in something. That's what I needed now. To get caught up in her.

Before she could answer her phone rang, and I couldn't help but overhearing her side of the conversation.

"Hello Jazz."

"I'm fine yes. How could I not be?" she smiled in her phone. I was glad he cared enough to check up on her. She wasn't a booty call to him, I knew that.

"I'm with Jake now, I think I'm staying here this evening" she looked at me questioningly and I nodded, thankful.

"I don't know what me and Tina have planned this weekend. But maybe we shouldn't come over."

"Alright. I miss you too."

"Bye Jazz."

She sounded crazy in love. And she would get hurt. For sure.

Because he would not leave Alice. And even if he did, then she would be hurt for breaking up the family and stealing her friends boyfriend.

But it was too late to save her heart. She loved him already, she was in this illusion already.

I would let her have it. And I would make sure she knew where to find me if, or when, the bubble burst. Maybe it would fade out like me and Leah had. She had craved Jasper for years now, but I had loved Leah for years too, almost fifteen years, and now it had simply faded out, without much hurt. From my part at least.

See, it was working already. I was already caught up in her, forgetting my own pain. Leah had done miracles for me, done all she could, but she couldn't heal me like Nessie does.

We watched the movie. Correction, she watched the movie. I watched her.

She was so intense, so expressive, so beautiful. I was more and more thinking about asking her to stay. Using her didn't seem so bad anymore now. I needed her, needed the company, isn't that what friends do for each other? She wanted to be my friend.

It's not like I will sleep with her. I just want to hold her.

As I pulled her closer a little bit, she leaned her head against me, closing her eyes. She enjoyed my company as well. I was indecisive.

Anyhow, I had to tell her soon, and we would see from there.

She knew something was up, she looked into my eyes and saw pain, she never asked about the baby, she never asked where Eve was. It was past seven now.

I reluctantly got up and took out the printed picture of the echo. I wanted to show it to her. I hadn't looked at it since Monday when I left. And apparently Eve hadn't taken it to her mother's house.

Ness took the picture and studied it. Her face lit up completely as she recognized the head and the arms with the tiny hands.

"That amazing, Jake. Boy or girl?"

"It was a girl."

"A girl!!!! Wait. What do you mean, _was_ a girl?" her eyes grew, and she lowered the picture to look at me.

"There was no heartbeat."

"What? What does that mean? Is she…?"

"Yes. We lost her..." My voice broke at the last word.

She wanted to embrace me, but I held her at a distance, I would let her hold me later, but I needed to say everything now. I took a deep breath to repress my tears, and told her about the echo, the birth, how we both had reacted, about how Leah had taken care of me in Chicago, and that Eve was with her mother.

Both our cheeks were stained with tears, but I managed to keep enough control to finish my story.

"Is there anything I can do for you Jake, anything?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to see your smile when I called you."

"That's kinda hard now."

"I know. I just really don't feel like crying another night. Can we maybe watch another movie? You distract me when you're captivated like that."

"Alright. I'll pick a nice movie to captivate me. How about Titanic?" she picked one of my favorites. I was thankful that she didn't try to get me to cry in her arms. I nodded and tried to smile at her.

"Aren't you hungry?"

"Yeah, maybe a little bit." Hungry seemed like something surreal. But now she mentioned it, I noticed I was.

"I'll make you a dinner. I can get captivated while cooking as well. Come on, let's see what you got left to work with."

She understood what I wanted from her. That she be herself, no pity, no drama, just Nessie.

My best friend.

She experimented in the kitchen, mixing leftover ingredients, until something good appeared. I didn't eat much, but it was welcome anyway. Every now and then I saw her look up from what she was doing, to check up on me. She looked at me with love and compassion. And when I gave a small reassuring smile, she carried on.

We started the movie, she lay curled up against my chest. By the time it was finished, it was past one.

I didn't ask her to stay over. But eventually she fell asleep in my arms in the couch and I didn't ask her to leave either.

I restarted the movie and listening to the voices I played with her blond hair.

Soon enough, I fell asleep as well.

* * *

**AN: So she's his sunshine now...**


	26. Chapter 24 Girls

**Chapter twenty four: Girls**

**NPOV**

**June 24, Sunday**

The next morning Jake left early for Portland, where Eve was staying with her mother. I went home and joined Tina for breakfast.

My feelings were all over the place, I was in love with Jasper but felt guilty for sleeping with him, and my heart was broken for Jake and his daughter he would never have.

Tina started missing Emmett, but he was in Europe with Rose and she didn't want to go to the Mountain House, feeling like the one to blame for chasing them away. I didn't want to see Alice, any of them actually. Especially not Jasper, if I would see him now, I would not be able to control myself.

Me and Tina decided to spend the weekend with just the two of us. We hadn't done that in a while.

We went shopping the entire Saturday, buying a nice outfit to go clubbing later that night. We danced until our feet were sore. We didn't pay attention to the boys that flocked around us. We both knew they would be nothing compared to the vampire we had last slept with.

Later that night, I thought that I would be asleep as soon as I hit the mattress, but it wasn't true.

I had slept Thursday night in Jasper's arms and yesterday in Jake's. I didn't want to sleep alone now. It hurt me not to have anyone to myself. Someone that is all mine.

Maybe friendship would not be enough after all. Maybe I needed to find someone to share my days with. But the thought of that hurt me too. I loved two men already, I didn't want anyone else.

I woke up the next morning, feeling something in my neck. I was surprised to see Jasper next to me, moving my hair from my eyes in a sweet gesture. Good thing I didn't bring someone home from the club.

I was all over him in an instant, he laughed at my enthusiasm. He told me he couldn't stay long, they would be hunting in an hour, so he was just here for some kisses and a cuddle. I didn't like the sneaking, and I didn't like the hit and run, but I understood. We just wanted to steal whatever minutes we could get to be together.

I took more than a cuddle. We ended up having amazing sex and when he left I was in a happy daze.

It wore off too soon. My bed was empty again and so was my heart. He was not mine. He never would be. Neither would Jake. I think I felt more lonely now than I had felt before he came over.

Maybe giving in to my urges was not helping me at all, even if I was purely selfish.

Me and Tina's feet were still sore, so we went swimming today and then treated ourselves to a nice dinner in the city.

Later that night we watched television, zapping from soap to soap, not really interested in anything that was on, but not really ready to go to sleep as well. We talked about everything and nothing.

"Do you want kids, Tina?"

"No. I thought neither did you. You do now?"

"I don't know if I want kids." I would never be able to have any, I have always known that, being born a half-breed. And I had accepted that. But it didn't mean I didn't want them.

"Did Eve change your mind?"

"No. If anything, this would convince me _not_ to have kids, it must be so scary to love something so much when it can be taken away anytime."

"Anything you love can be taken away, Ness. Not just kids."

"I know, but kids are so fragile. I'm not changing my mind, I just sometimes feel like settling down."

"Like with a house and a husband?"

"Yes. That sounds nice." I shrugged.

"You never thought so. You loved the party life. Carefree." She looked at me worriedly.

"I think you always loved it more. I think I'm lonely…"

"How can you be lonely, honey? You're never alone. You have lots of people that love you and that want to spend every minute of their day with you. Me, Jake, your family."

"I know. But in the end of the day, I still have to go to bed alone. I want somebody to hold me, and not just from time to time, but every night. Are you never tired of being alone?"

"No. I have enough being here with you…"

I looked at her.

"What would you do if I left?"

"What do you mean? Live with the Cullens?"

"For instance."

"I would follow." She shrugged. Life was simple for Tina.

"What would you do if you couldn't. If I got married maybe."

"I don't know." She looked insecure now.

"Do you love me Tina?" This was an awkward question, but I remembered what Edward and Jasper had told me about her. They said that Tina was in love with me, and I had to make sure never to hurt her.

"Of course I do, you know that."

"I mean, really love me. Like you want to live your life with me, never needing anyone else."

She turned away.

I placed my hand on her shoulder, pulling softly to turn her towards me again.

"If you want to leave Ness, and have a different life, by all means just go." She looked exasperated.

"I don't want to leave, Tina. I just want to know."

"What would it matter?"

"It would matter to me."

She looked me in the eyes. Hurt. Scared. I knew I was right.

"Tina, I'm not… You know I love you too, but I'm not into girls."

"I know Ness. Can we please not talk about this?"

"How can this be enough for you?"

"What?"

"If you love me, how can it be enough for us to just be friends?"

"It has to be enough. Because I know it will never be more. You can't convert people."

"I thought it had to be enough with Jasper and Jake as well, but it appears not to be."

"Maybe if they were as amazing as you are, it would be. I'm happy just to have you around. And if you ever leave… Well, I'll deal with that later."

Couldn't I try to be into her? Love her the way she loved me? I wanted someone to love me, just me. To share my days with. Did it matter she was a girl and I was only sexually attracted to boys?

How important is sex really? Not that important, because now with Jasper I had sex but I didn't have his company at night, and I was not happy.

And Tina slept with men as well, we could still invite men over. She liked watching me. We could work this out. Me and her. Platonically.

We had been an item for almost five years, we understood each other, she had been my light when Jake was gone.

"I could try, Tina," I whispered.

She shook her head. "No you can't."

"I want to try. We could give it a chance."

"No. I will comfort you when you need me. And I will hold when you need to be held. Even if it means holding you all night. I can do that. I would gladly do that. But I will not be your substitute for the men you can't have. I don't want to be your girlfriend just because you are lonely. You'll hurt me. Even you suggesting it hurts me."

"I'm sorry. I didn't just say it because I was lonely. I only want you to have what you want Tina. Honestly."

"I know honey, but I can't have what I want. I have accepted that. Let's leave it at that."

She was right of course. I would hurt her.

If we would try this, it would be a temporary thing, both needing the company but none of us getting everything we dreamed of. We can't risk our friendship for that. We deserved to have it all, and we would have to be patient.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you, Tina."

She leaned in to me, looking at me tenderly, but sadly, and then she kissed me. Soft lips on my lips.

I don't know if she wanted to say something with that kiss. Maybe she figured she could try this, now I knew her secret anyway, or maybe she wanted to tell me it was going to be alright. Probably she was just being Tina, going with whatever she felt without a second thought.

I kissed her back. Softly as well. Our lips moved against each other, we didn't use our tongues. Her fingers brushed my hair away from my face. I had kissed her before, knowing what I know now, I probably shouldn't have, but it was always her taking the initiative.

This kiss was different though. Boys had nothing to do with it. This was just us, close friends, sharing a tender and intimate moment. When she pulled back, she looked at me sadly again, before she said goodnight and disappeared in her room.

I got into bed as well, alone, thinking about Jasper, Jake, and Tina, feeling more confused than I had ever been.

* * *

**AN: I am confused as well. Nessie is a bit lost...**


	27. Chapter 25 Father

**Chapter twenty five: Father**

**JPOV**

**July, 18 Wednesday**

I visited Eve that weekend, but she was distant, wouldn't let me comfort her, and wouldn't let me break down with her either. I had heard that tragedies could break perfect couples apart, and I didn't want to let that happen, but her mother told me that she needed time and that I would make it worse by pushing myself on her.

So I went home again, and she stayed there. I wondered why her mother was allowed to get close, but I wasn't. Her mother told me that Eve felt like she had failed, as a mother and as a wife and that my pain reminded her more of how she had disappointed me. And there was no way I could tell her otherwise.

I was taken care of by my friends, I worked my ass off, like I always did when I was hurt, and at evenings I had company. Leah and Alec would come over, without Dean. They probably thought that it would hurt me, but I think I would be okay. Kids have a way of comforting grown ups. Other times Seth and Damian came over, or Ness. She wanted to spend a lot more time with me, but I didn't let her. I didn't want her to become too attached, because chances were as soon as Eve came back, me and my wife would spend all of our time together and Ness would feel left behind.

If I was honest to myself, I didn't want me to get too attached as well. Her company was a joy and she was easy to get used to. Always had been.

Sometimes she felt like a part of me, a part that has never been away.

Ness had told me about Tina, about their honest talk, and how she was reluctant to leave Tina alone too much. Tina was scared of losing her, now she had shown her real feelings, and if Ness would spend a lot of evenings at my place, then that would give her the wrong signals. So some evenings I would go to their place and we would entertain ourselves, just the three of us. I got to know Tina better, I felt like I knew her after reading her entire blog, but she had changed since last year.

She didn't seem so wild anymore. Even though she had managed to seduce Emmett. But maybe that was not so hard after all.

Two weeks passed by like this, and then Eve came back home. She was a changed person, but that can not be surprisable. For two years she had longed with all her heart and soul for a child, and when her wish was finally granted, it was taken away again.

She was sad, heartbroken and angry. The sad and heartbroken part she shared with her mother. The angry part with me. She resented the fact that I seemed to be doing fine. That I was able to work so hard, while she was hardly able to eat or breathe. We all have our ways of dealing with loss.

She let me hold her sometimes, when she cried late at night, and I held her all through the night, but other times she would not let me get near to her.

We hadn't made love since it happened. I had asked her about it, but she treated me like some pervert who only cared about sex when she was so depressed.

It wasn't like that. I missed her. Missed making love to her, our connection. I thought that it could help us heal, as a couple. Share something intimate. She wouldn't hear it.

I didn't sleep with Leah anymore, but we stayed close after our trip to Chicago. For the first time in our lives, we were just friends. Nothing more. And it felt good.

She thought so as well. We talked about us. She said that she had broken up with me, in her mind, when I let Ness back in my heart. It had nothing to do with the pregnancy after all. Not entirely at least. She was just scared that Ness would carry me away again. And had closed herself off. She had been hurt all that time about losing me.

I hadn't been hurt, I told her in all honesty. But she didn't resent me for it, I had a pregnant wife to look after, and old friends to distract me.

Officially, my baby girl had never existed. Twenty weeks is too early to be called alive.

In our dreams and our hearts however, she will exist forever. We had named her Sarah, after my mother who was now with her.

The doctors had said that she had died of a genetic disorder. There was a possibility that me or Eve were a carrier, and if that was true, any next child could have the same condition. If we wanted to try again, we would have to get ourselves checked.

I wasn't so keen on starting over right away. I wanted to heal, and cure our marriage first. Eve wanted to start immediately, her clock was ticking. It was now proven she was fertile and she felt like it could be over any minute.

How can she want to have a baby with me, if she can't even look me in the eye? Not without showing resentment? Not without breaking in her disappointment over her failure?

We had our blood tested anyway, that wouldn't hurt anyone. And today we would meet the doctor, who is going to tell us how much risk of a repeat there is. If the risk was there, it could be predicted and avoided by examining the amnion fluid or even the embryo, prior to implant. It would complicate things, though.

This was the same doctor that had the horrible job of telling us the worst news of our lives.

He was frowning again. I didn't like that face. He couldn't help it, I told myself.

"Sit down please."

We sat and waited. We didn't look at each other and we didn't say anything. We seemed like we needed marriage counseling more then fertilization counseling.

"I have some bad news." So one of us was carrier.

He waited as if we would give him a go to continue, but we waited as well.

Until finally he bluntly said "Jacob, you were not the father of this fetus."

I didn't respond at first. He waited again.

"There has to be some kind of mix-up. I am the father. Eve is my wife."

"I'm sorry. The tests are one hundred percent positive. You cannot be the father."

Positive he called that. I looked at Eve and she was looking down at her hands in her lap.

"You came to me with a question about how this condition was inherited, and therefore you are my patient. It is my duty to inform you."

"Eve?" I asked, bewildered.

"I'm sorry," she muttered. The doctor looked uneasy, as if he would rather we do this outside his office, but I didn't care. I detached myself again, while this news was seeping in.

"Who was it?"

"Alec."

I felt cold. I couldn't even be angry with her. I had slept with Leah all these years.

"How long?"

"Jake, please, we stopped as soon as…"

"How long?" I said a little louder now.

"Years…"

I had heard enough.

I ran from the hospital, straight to the forest a mile away, and for the first time in five years I phased. I didn't know if it would work, but it did.

I was wolf again, and I ran.

I would come back. I needed answers. And there were some people that I would never leave again.

But right now I would not deal with any of it.

My wolf was back.


	28. Chapter 26 Break

**Chapter twenty six: Break**

**NPOV**

**July 20, Friday**

Jake seemed to be doing better. Eve had come back home, so I didn't see him that much anymore.

But I wasn't to be fooled. He had been hurt before, and I know that he does not let it show. He puts on a mask in front of everybody, they all depend on him to be their sunshine, or so he believes. But inside, I am sure he must be dying.

I had seen the change in him during the pregnancy, first he was scared, he didn't feel good enough. But then he managed, after fifteen years, to forget about Leah and fully choose Eve and the baby. He was happier than I had ever seen him. In his mind, he was a father already. He made plans to make the wooden furniture of the nursery himself. He dreamed about taking his kid to LaPush and showing him or her First Beach.

And then he lost it all. I didn't believe that he was fine.

So I checked up on him as much as possible and I smiled at him as much as I could, it seemed to warm him up.

I tried not to neglect Tina, she was insecure after I asked about her feelings. She didn't know that Jasper and Edward had told me a long time ago, and that I had decided a long time ago that it didn't matter. I would definitely not leave her. I just didn't want to hurt her.

It was a little weird, feeling that she needed me, it had always been the other way around. I had been missing Jake so much, I was like a lost puppy.

But I was stronger now. Maybe she felt that too, that her light was not as bright to me as Jake's light. But it still didn't matter. You don't have to _need_ someone in order to love them.

Bringing her secret up had some good sides as well. I had a lot of questions about her bisexuality, and she was glad to be open about it. She always chased boys when we hang out, I wondered if she had any experience with girls, except for kissing me and Alice.

Apparently her piano teacher was a lesbian woman, who was still in the closet. She sort of had an affair with her for a couple of months now. That would explain why she turned up so late on Thursdays. She was having sex every week with a thirty five year old woman. And I had no idea, it was weird. But nice to have a new kind of openness with Tina.

She didn't love that woman, Anna she was called, but she said that she was great in bed.

I really couldn't imagine having sex with a girl. Although I had to admit that kissing Tina felt good. Maybe the idea just takes some getting used to. Tina said she had known for a long time she was bi, even before she met me. She had immediately felt drawn to me, but she also knew from the start that I was straight. She was pleasantly surprised that I was open minded and willing to experiment. It gave her a chance to lose some of her frustrations at living with someone impossible to get.

I knew how that felt. In the end I had gotten some of my Jasper too.

Maybe some day me and Tina could try some more as well. Although me and Jasper having sex still felt wrong. As if I had polluted something pure. Myself perhaps. I probably shouldn't do that with Tina.

Wednesday evening Eve called me. Asking if I had seen Jake, saying that he had disappeared after hearing some bad news. I wondered what news could make him run, if the loss of their child hadn't. It would have to be something that made him run away from her. I knew they had some problems reaching out to each other these days.

I worried that he had fallen back into his old habit of leaving when he was afraid. Eve said nobody had heard from him, so I had the feeling that he had phased.

Last time when he had left, I got a farewell note from him. This time he had promised me I would get a chance to say goodbye in person. So when he finally showed up on Thursday, I was scared shitless that he came by for just that. For saying goodbye.

I couldn't be more surprised when I heard his story. He was devastated. Not just for what had been going on between Eve and Alec. He felt he had no right to be hurt about that. They were even, sort of. But also because the baby girl that had a room in his heart hadn't even been his own. Obviously he was hurt about the cheating as well. Even though he knew first hand it didn't have to mean she didn't love him. Maybe her and Alec had only done it because they had suspected something about him and Leah.

He felt humiliated and betrayed, as if he wasn't hurt enough already. I was angry at Eve, but I had no right.

That evening we curled up in the couch and I dozed off in his arms, like I had done many times before. Having phased, he felt warmer again. And he smelled more like my wolf than he had before.

He woke me up, saying it felt wrong to sleep in my arms when he was still married to Eve. Especially now. So I let him sleep in my bed, while I slept on the couch.

Late that night, when Tina came home, I explained her what had happened. This was the first time I had seen her come home on Thursday nights and I had to admit that she was glowing. Maybe that was the glow Jake talked about after I had been with Jasper.

On Friday morning I made Jake some breakfast, a lot actually, his wolf appetite was back as well, and then we both went to work.

Jake would go home afterwards, he had called Eve and she would be back with her mother.

Later that night, after me and Tina went to bed, I was visited again by my favorite vampire. He held me and kissed me like we hadn't seen each other in years, and I kissed him back just as passionately. But it felt more wrong than ever. I had seen now first hand how betrayal can break someone.

"Jazz babe, we can't do this. We have to stop." But I contradicted myself by kissing him again.

"I know. It's wrong. But it feel soooo good," he answered while he undressed me.

At this I gave in, I know it was a feeble try. Not enough to clear my conscience, but he was right, it did feel so good. Finally releasing all my admiration for him, letting my body have what it craved. Feeling him move inside of me while looking in those fierce golden eyes. It cleared my mind completely, and in my heart nothing was wrong, because I did love him, so I continued.

After he left again – the nights that he could spend in my bed till the morning were scarce – my mind came back to me.

I can usually ignore it, my heart is so much stronger. But now my heart was in pain as well. Again I was hit with the realization that he was not mine. He belonged to her. And maybe he was missing me right now, but in the end of the day he would always go back to her, and it was supposed to be this way.

I was lonely, and disappointed in myself, that I wanted to break my family apart by following my desires. Sure I had been in heaven, but I came down just as fast. To realize I was disgusted with myself.

I logged on to my blog and posted "_It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah…"_ while listening to sad songs on my iPod.

An hour later Jasper called. I dried my tears and tried to sound happy to hear him.

"Hey Jazz."

"Honey, I read your blog, am I hurting you?"

"Yes."

This was the first time I admitted it. I had told myself it was enough, to take whatever I could get, but I wanted it all. Someone to call my own.

Or nothing.

"Why didn't you tell me? I feel like a total bastard now."

"I only just realized it. You feel like crap for hurting me, not Alice?"

"For Alice all the time. But what am I doing when I hurt both women I love?"

"We have to stop."

"I know."

"I don't know if I can."

"Me neither."

"I keep thinking about a song all the time, "Arms of an Angel", I always loved it, but now I finally see what it means."

"Let me hear it." I put on my iPod and played the song to him, while the tears streamed. I knew this was some kind of goodbye.

_Spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for the break that will make it ok  
There's always some reason to feel not good enough, qnd it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release, memories seep from my veins  
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe I'll find some peace tonight_

_In the arms of an Angel, fly away from here, from this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie, you're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here_

_So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn, there's vultures and thieves at your back  
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies, that you make up for all that you lack  
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time, It's easier to believe  
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness, that brings me to my knees..._

"It's about forgetting about the person you have become in the arms of your lover. I see how we can relate to that," he stated.

"Yes. I've been thinking the other day. What we used to have, was so beautiful. I used to think about you all day with joy. "

"Not anymore?"

"I still love you as much, maybe even more, but all I can feel when you are not with me is shame. I don't want that. I want to go back to before. To _not_ getting what I desire."

"You think we will be able to be just friends? Now, after this?"

"We've been okay without slipping for five years. It was me bleeding that brought it all back. We _have_ to be just friends. I can't do it anymore. We will hurt our family and ourselves most of all, and in the end we will lose each other."

"You're breaking up with me then?"

"I guess I am."

He was silent for a while.

"It's the middle of the night, Ness, and you are alone, break up with me in the morning."

"It doesn't make any difference does it?"

"It does, it means I can still tell you I love you now."

"I love you too," I whispered. I waited for my heart to break, but I was still okay. Maybe his theory of breaking up in the morning would work.

"Promise me we do whatever it takes to stay friends. To become what we were again."

"I promise. You promise as well. Don't ever leave. Or if you have to, make sure we can still call."

"Promise."

We said some more I love yous until I fell asleep.

* * *

**AN: So they broke up... How do you feel?**


	29. Chapter 27 Alec

**Chapter twenty seven: Alec**

**JPOV**

**July 20, Friday**

When I got home after work on Friday - it was late of course, good old work therapy never fails – I sent Alec a text saying "You were the father of Eve's child. I'm sorry for your loss."

I don't know why I sent it, I thought he had the right to know, and I was also angry because it was not my loss but his. I hadn't lost a baby, I had lost the dream of this baby, of being a father.

Apparently Alec didn't know yet, five minutes later he was at my house. He looked bewildered and as soon as I opened the door he stepped in and asked "where is she?". Clearly he was not hiding is affair anymore.

"She's with her mother," I answered. My anger towards him disappeared, he looked broken, as if he mourned for this baby as well. Or maybe just for Eve's hurt.

"Give me the address."

"You can't go there Alec, her mother doesn't know."

His spirit died a bit, and he sat down in the couch, defeated, with his face in his hands.

I sat down next to him. I didn't know what to do. We had been friends, but now, I didn't know anymore.

Without lifting his head he said "I'm sorry, Jacob."

I leaned back against the couch. "I won't say it's okay, but I can't blame you."

"I know. But still. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You know?"

"Yeah. It was quite obvious. From that first day I met you, actually, in LaPush."

"Was this revenge then?"

"No! I love her." He sighed. This was all a mess.

"Did she know the baby was yours?"

"No. I'm sure. We talked about… And then she was pregnant. And after that… No, she didn't know, I swear."

"You rambling, buddy. You talked about what?"

"About getting divorced. Before she got pregnant." Wow. That was definitely a surprise. They must really love each other then.

"I don't understand. If she wanted to be with you, why did she still want my child?"

"I don't understand that either. It killed me…"

"That she still slept with me?"

"Yes." Women are allowed to sleep with their husband. But I understood. I had been jealous of him with Leah a lot too.

"Well, if she wanted to leave me, she must have loved you more."

"I don't know. I think she just believed I loved her more than you loved her."

I was silent for a while.

"What about Dean?"

"That was the reason we never really got to it. The divorce. But I would have done it, I was waiting for her. Dean has no use of a father who is unhappy."

"You are unhappy with Leah?"

"Yes."

"Don't you love her?"

"I did. But not anymore. We're friends, I guess. And we are a great team when it comes to Dean. But I want more."

"And Leah?"

"I think she never really loved me. Not the way she loved you."

"That's over."

"I know. She's been miserable, but better now. I think she just wants to be a mother. Dean is everything for her."

It was weird having this conversation with the one who slept with my wife. Who loved my wife. All these years me and Leah were concerned about hiding what we had, and all this time they had known and we were the ones being mislead.

"Does she know about you and Eve?"

"No. But I think she knows I don't love her anymore."

"I love Eve, still,… At least I did before this."

"She loves you too. I never seen her more happy than when she was pregnant. She never once said that she wanted to have this child with me. She chose you. Don't be too hard on her. She's suffering enough."

"I don't know what to do anymore. Where to go from here. I have a feeling she doesn't want to be with me. She pushes me away."

"She's hurt. We're all different in handling it."

"I think maybe I need to be alone for a while."

"You can't leave her, not now. I know we hurt you, but please don't go."

"I'm not going. Not running anymore. She needs to come back. And we need to talk about this. The four of us."

"You're right. No more lies."

"No more lies."

He left and I called Eve, telling her we needed to talk, and she would come back on Sunday. I could tell that she was afraid of losing me, and she was right to. Because right now I didn't think that we could save this marriage. There had been too much deception. It was never all that it could have been.

Maybe there was still a chance, but I felt empty, too empty to give it my best effort. I was ready to give up, to give her up.

On Saturday Ness came by. Telling me she had broken up with Jasper.

I felt sorry for her, but it was very convenient for me, other people's dramas distracted me from my own. She and Tina had been invited by the Cullens over the weekend, but Ness wanted avoid them for a while. She didn't want Tina to be a stranger and let her visit them, making up and excuse about work for herself. Edward would know, but he wouldn't ask. Tina had a good connection with all the Cullens, and they didn't blame her for chasing Emmett. Humans get dazzled by vampires, and they just can't help it.

I wonder if they would feel the same about Ness and Jasper. They probably would blame him.

I didn't. She was hurt now, but she had been lonely before and he had been there for her. In every possible way.

We went shopping for groceries and she started preparing lunch in the kitchen.

"How are you?" She didn't seem upset at all, but I had to ask.

"Better then I had expected actually. I guess in a way I am relieved. I know I made the right choice. Things were going the wrong way. I needed to make it right again."

"I know what you mean."

"I'll miss him, but it's for the best. I always felt worse after than before."

"More lonely?"

"Yes."

She looked up from her vegetables.

"Don't feel bad for me. I've lived through worse."

"Right." My face fell.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel guilty. Just… friendship is most important to me right now, you, Tina and Jasper, and as long as none of you disappear, I'll be fine."

"How are things with you and Tina now?"

"Great, it's good to be totally open about everything."

"It's all a bit weird isn't it? She loves you. You love me. I love Eve. Eve loves Alec…"

"Yeah, and it's even more complicated than that too. Because Tina wants Emmett, I want Jasper, you want Leah…"

"You know what they say: don't love one, don't love two, but love that one, who loves you."

"Then you are the only one on the right track, because Eve loves you back."

I sighed. "I don't know."

"You can't forgive her?"

"I don't know if it's even about forgiveness anymore. This whole relationship… I guess I'm confused."

"That's okay. I'm confused too. Let's watch something on TV or play some games after lunch."

"Thanks for being here Ness."

"There's no place I'd rather be."


	30. Chapter 28 Alice

**Chapter twenty eight: Alice**

**NPOV**

**August 31, Friday**

After that turbulent month, things settled down again. Some rest and peace came. For me at least.

I hadn't seen Jasper for a few weeks, and things were easier now. I knew I had made the right decision, and that _not_ getting whatever I wanted was better for everybody. And although my bed was now empty all the time, I wasn't as lonely anymore, I wasn't waiting for company to sneak around with. Jasper felt better as well. We called often and the tension seemed to have subsided. We got each other out of our systems and we were both relieved that we would be able to stay close friends after all.

There was only one black spot in this entire story. We could not erase the sins that we had committed, could not turn back time.

I wish I could get even with Alice, tell her everything. I told myself that this was something selfish. It would only hurt her to tell her. I would only relieve my own mind. So I discarded the idea. But somewhere it kept lingering.

These last weeks I spent time with the Cullens again. Me and Jasper got along great, but were careful not to end up somewhere alone. I don't think anything would happen, the desire had been extinguished, but we were cautious nevertheless. He felt exactly the same way. We still loved each other, but in a friendship kind of way, and we were hopeful that everything would go back to normal. I had told him about my urge to tell Alice, but had added that it was up to him. It was his relationship. If he wanted me to keep it quiet forever, then I would.

In the mean time, Tina had never stopped seeing the Cullens. Emmett and Rose had returned from Europe, more in love than ever, and the attraction between Tina and Emmett had faded a bit as well. The dazzling of humans is not a permanent state, apparently. Thank god.

I can compare it with having a crush on another human, only much more intense. And irresistible. Or maybe I just believe that to convince myself there was nothing I could have done to stop me and Jasper. Maybe all crushes are that intense. After all Jake had not been able to stay away from Leah as well. But then again, those were not human either.

Rose had surprised everybody by thanking Tina for being a part of the family and even for showing her and Emmett that their relationship needed some work. Tina even became friends with Rose. Maybe Rose didn't see Tina as much of a threat anymore, now she had admitted to the Cullens she was seeing a woman.

She called Anna her girlfriend now, but in their relationship not much had changed. Anna was still in the closet, so their interactions were limited to Thursday evenings. Tina didn't mind so much. The thing that had changed most was the party behavior. She didn't chase boys anymore. She stayed faithful to her girlfriend.

I had to admit that I was a little jealous. I didn't hide it. Me and Tina don't do hiding anymore. I told her openly and she was actually pleased. She said that on some kind of platonic way we were more than friends, and that I was allowed to get jealous if she started caring for someone else, or allowed to be afraid to lose her.

She reassured me. Anna would not come out in the open any time soon, her parents were very conservative, and actually so was Anna. Anna still believed that Tina was a one time fling, and that she could still be straight, apart from that. I asked Tina if she would go for it, if Anna would do the same. She didn't now.

Even though Tina didn't sleep around anymore, she likes her freedom. She's not the settling down kind of person. And she admitted to me that she couldn't bear the thought of never sleeping with men again either. Why she had to call Anna her girlfriend then, I had no idea, maybe this was some kind of experiment as well.

I had fallen into a routine that suited me.

Mondays were for me and Tina, just hanging and talking. Tuesdays I would go to Jake, cooking, gaming and hanging as well. Wednesdays me and Tina went fitnessing and running. Thursdays Jake came over to me. And the weekends, me and Tina spent in the Mountain House. I was happy this way, I could spend all my free time with the people I loved and I never had to be alone. We all know I can't be alone.

Today was Friday, and Friday was movie night at the Mountain House, just like it had been in Forks. Before I could settle down in the couch however, Alice came to me and asked me if I could join her and Jasper to the cabin, she needed to talk to us both.

Had she found out about us? I looked at Jasper, slightly panicked, but he shrugged. He didn't seem worried, so her feelings must not be that bad.

Once inside, Alice was fidgeting and taking deep breaths before she started talking.

"I have to tell you a long story, and I don't really know where to begin, so I'll start at the very beginning. I would appreciate if you didn't interrupt me. You can talk afterwards."

We both nodded.

"It all started five years ago. You, Ness, were in Brazil, and there you became fully a human. Up till then, you couldn't show up in my visions, because you were a half-breed. Genetically you still are, but ever since the day you drank the potion, I could see you in my visions."

I opened my mouth to react, but she lifted her finger and looked at me warningly, so I shut it again. She didn't look angry. But she had to be. If she could envision me, she must know everything!

"While you were there I had several visions of you and Jasper together. I know you both know what I am talking about, because the visions have come true this year. Yes, even the worst ones. Back then, I didn't know when this was going to happen. Obviously it broke my heart.

And naturally I searched for ways to avoid it. I wasn't ready to lose my Jasper. The odd thing was, I kept having visions of me and Jasper together as well, apparently if I let the future be, it would not break us up, we looked happy in the future.

Still, of course, I wanted to avoid the things that would hurt me. I thought of several decisions. For instance, I decided to tell Jasper about it and pack our bags and leave. The visions that came after that were _really_ bad. I didn't know of course that Jake would leave, as I can't see him, so I didn't know why you would need Jasper so much, but apparently you did, because by deciding to take him away from you, you ended up… let say, really bad. I didn't want that, you are my sister. And in those visions Jasper was miserable as well, because he knew you needed him.

I thought of another decision then. Just telling Jasper where your relationship would lead, and let him handle it. He would have left, with me. With the same result. So that solution was discarded as well.

Then I began wondering if maybe you both were meant to be together, made for each other. Those thoughts hurt me more than all the rest. But I got convinced of that, and decided to leave. Alone. However, the next visions were terrible as well. All three of us were unhappy. I was so relieved to see that me and Jasper belonged together after all.

I tried and tried, but the only solution to keep us happy, all of the Cullens really, was to let it happen. So that's what I did. I didn't say anything about seeing you in my visions and I asked Edward to stay silent as well.

Yes, he knows too. Wait, I'm not finished.

Then, when Jake left, I saw you both become even closer, I saw how broken you were, and I knew I had made the right decision to let you have Jasper, his company I mean.

I had five years to prepare myself, to get used to the idea, and when I noticed that you were attracted to each other, it didn't hurt me anymore. I knew it was inevitable, but you didn't. It pleased me really that you fought it so hard, for me. I also saw how guilty you felt. How you tried to stay away. The closer in time it all became, the more detailed my visions were. No, not those kind of details, I shut those off. I mean, I knew once you would give in, that it wouldn't last long. In the beginning I had braced myself for years of being hurt for sake of the family, but I knew now it would only be a couple of months, tops.

The waiting for it to happen was more agony actually. I think after five years I just wanted to get it over with already. Maybe that is why I kissed Tina. To give you some sort of push. I guess it worked.

When it all happened, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I knew you needed each other, I don't know why. And although it didn't really hurt, I was scared shitless, out of my mind, for losing you. Me and Edward both thought I was crazy for letting it happen, but there was really no other way. I kept checking up on the visions, and they reassured me the future was good for us. Time and time again.

Now it has ended I have peace again. But you don't. This is the first time that me deciding to tell you, made a change for the better. And so there it is. My story."

We were silent for a very long time. Processing all this news. Alice seemed blown away as well, hearing it all out loud. Me and Jasper were more than blown away. I was completely ashamed, that she had known all along, but relieved as well, that she still managed to love me. Love me enough to want to release me from the guilt.

"What exactly did you see happen to me if you would leave? The really bad thing?"

"I saw you kill yourself Nessie."

"I wouldn't do that."

"My visions said you would. If you lost Jake _and_ Jasper, you wouldn't have survived."

"So you let me have your man to keep me alive?"

"Well, it sounds like a deed of heroism if you put it that way. But you tell me honestly, if you knew your close friend would die, and your whole family, including the man you love and yourself are devastated, just because you wanted to keep something for yourself, would you do it? Keep it for yourself, choose to be selfish and know for the rest of eternity that it was your fault? I really had no choice.

I am ashamed to tell you that I tried convincing myself if you killed yourself that it would not be my fault, that it would be your responsibility. But even so, even if I could erase my own guilt, Jasper would still be miserable. For losing you. And his happiness is worth more to me than my conscience. So that was actually my main motivation."

"I really don't know what to say, Alice," Jasper whispered.

"You don't have to say anything my love, I know it all already. It was hard but you chose me. And I promise you we will be so happy in our future. So will you Ness. It's harder for me to see you in visions, especially now Jake has phased again and you both are close, but I really believe that we all will be happy."

"I'm really sorry Alice, even if you think it was inevitable. I keep thinking that maybe we should have tried harder."

"God, you tried hard enough. I would have locked you up in a room if you had avoided each other much longer. The waiting... And I really don't want to talk about those months either. Let's just say that the three of us made selfish decisions for a while and maybe we just needed it. It's all okay now. I'm glad you guys were able to become friends again so soon, it makes things easier on everybody. And I hope you and I can be friends again too."

* * *

**AN: So who knew Alice knew all along?**


	31. Chapter 29 Eve

**Chapter twenty nine: Eve**

**JPOV**

**September 8, Saturday **

I was slowly doing better on my own. Well, I wasn't entirely on my own, but I lived alone.

Eve had moved out, but we didn't get divorced. We wanted to give our marriage another chance, but by living together we fought all the time, about the secrets we had both kept, the lies that were told. And on top of that there was still the immense pain of losing baby Sarah. In order to have a chance left of even liking each other, we lived apart now. We only saw each other in the weekend, made time for one another, to do something romantic or even fun.

It was hard to have some fun, when your heart tells you you should be crying. But somehow, being positive, I could make her smile again. And her smile made me smile in turn. I think we will work it out.

Leah and Alec on the other hand had filed for divorce. They didn't love each other, and would end up resenting each other for missing out on chances for true love.

Leah was happier now in fact. The marriage without love had felt like a burden to her. Having to pretend all the time. Now she could fully give herself to being a mother. And she loved it.

Alec loved Eve, but he would let her have a chance with me. He was waiting however for us to give up so he could claim her again. I knew that, but I wasn't ready to give up just yet.

Tonight I would have dinner with Eve. We had managed to say all there was to say about both of our affairs, and agreed not to speak of them again. We were even, I had started the cheating first, but she had gotten herself knocked up, neither arguments would ever be used in discussions.

Now we were living apart however, we didn't fight anymore. Our dates had been wonderful. I could see her coming to life after the loss of this baby, like a flower slowly blooming. It was beautiful and I was glad to be a part of that. She had once called me her sun, without knowing I had been someone's sun before. It had made my day.

I had thought my light and warmth had faded, been taken away with my baby. But apparently it hadn't. I hoped that I would never lose it. There is no greater gift than being able to put a smile on peoples faces.

During dinner, we had talked about Dean. As therapeutic as work had been for me, so therapeutic Dean was for her. Leah wanted to keep him away from her at first, but she needed him around. Her apartment was close to Leah's house, and she would babysit whenever she can. This month, she had started working again, after taking a two month break. Nursing people was better for her than staying in bed. She still had her bad moments, probably still cried a lot at night, but she survived. Just like me. People are often stronger than they give themselves credit for.

Ness had told me about the sacrifice Alice had made for Jasper and her family. Five years of knowing that he would cheat on her, and letting it happen. I was a cheater myself, but only recently found out just how much it hurts. How much damage it does to my self esteem, to my trust in Eve, to the illusion of my marriage I still had, even though I had filled it with lies myself.

I admired Alice. She trusted Jasper completely, had faith that he would choose her, and when he did, it was enough for her, and she forgot about the past. That was something I found hard to do.

There was another part about Alice's story that had gotten to me. The part of what would have happened to Ness if Jasper had left. It was really my fault that Alice had to give up and share her man. It had been my job caring for Nessie. Not abandoning her. I was hit again by the massive impact my departure had had on her.

I was glad she was happy now. And I was glad that I was still able to make her smile as well. I know she has forgiven me, but she now has an even harder time to be alone. And that anxiety was my fault. How she would change herself to not be alone. She would have never done that before. Sleeping with random boys from parties. Giving in to her desire for Jasper. Wanting to become a lesbian because at least Tina loved her.

She used to believe she could have it all, without changing herself or her ideals. And I hoped one day her dream would come true, even if she didn't believe in it anymore. I hoped that prince charming would come along for her, and sweep her off her feet. Give her all that she deserved.

Eve was jealous of Ness. She said I talked about her too much. She couldn't know I once loved her much more than I do now. Because I never talked about it before Ness was back. In a way, Eve should have been reassured that I did talk about her now, but she didn't know it.

So I tried to pick safer subjects, such as Dean, or gossip from the clients in the garage. She laughed at some of the funny stories and my heart warmed, hearing her laughter again. I know I still loved her, I still thought of her as my lovely, beautiful, caring wife. I could still look at her face and see an angel. Or look at her body and see an extremely attractive woman.

I hadn't had sex in almost three months now, and it must be officially the longest I had done without. I was waiting for me and Eve to be okay again, I didn't want anyone else in the mean time. I knew she didn't either.

After dinner we had a few glasses of wine, and then I walked her home. I had seen her apartment once or twice, but I never stayed long. It seemed wrong to me that my wife had a place of her own. I didn't want to be reminded of that. I was reminded enough every night when I went to bed alone.

At her door she hesitated. If this was a date, then a kiss was to be expected. I knew where that would lead, so I said goodnight and made for the street again. She put her hand on my shoulder and I turned me around. She stood on her doorstep, so she was about the same height as me, and she leaned in to kiss me. I kissed her back, but not wholeheartedly. I wasn't ready.

As I slowly retreated she tried to hold on, desperately. She looked at me with her pleading eyes and asked me to come in. It had been so long she whispered. My body asked me the same "Please, it's been so long, please please."

But I couldn't. I apologized. I could see that she was hurt at my rejection.

"I want to do this right Eve. You have to understand, our marriage is more important than my needs. Don't be mad. I want you but I can't."

"I understand. Goodnight Jacob." She answered and kissed me on the cheek before she went inside.

After the door was closed I leaned my forehead against the wall.

"Fuck" I muttered. My body agreed.

I walked home with a boner in my pants. She had hardly touched me, but she had made clear what her intentions had been when asking me in, and that was enough for me to grow hard.

Even after I had undressed and showered and gotten into bed, I was still hard. It had definitely been too long.

I started stroking myself, seeing Eve before me. Her long wavy hair, her big pleading eyes, her smile with those soft lips, the kiss we had just shared. Her body I knew so well. I imagined her right now pleasing herself as well. I imagined us making love. It was weird fantasizing about my own wife as if she was something unattainable. While in real life I could have had her right now.

Just before I would come, though, a disturbing image crossed my mind. I saw her with Alec, doing the exact same things as I had just imagined. Maybe even doing more, if she had kept going back to him, if she had wanted a divorce to be with him, he must be able to give her more than I could. The image was not helping me, and I tried to suppress it.

I had been so close and I needed the release. I stoked and jerked manically, to forget about the image and force myself to come. When I finally did, I was rather disappointed. I knew that I had been right, I wasn't ready to sleep with her again. My body was, my mind wasn't.

I couldn't shake the image of him with her. And I wondered if I ever would. Them having sex, I might get over some day. But knowing that she had once chosen him over me, that she had wanted to divorce, broke so much more. Now she chose me, but why?

Maybe I was just waiting for Alec to make his move as well, so I would know where I stand.

* * *

**AN: I know most of you want to see Jake ending up with Nessie, but some also favor other pairings like Jake+Eve, Jake+Leah, Nessie+Jasper, Nessie+Tina...  
Let me know what team you're in! :-)**


	32. Chapter 30 Jake

**Chapter thirty: Jake**

**NPOV**

**September 25, Tuesday**

My weekly routine was still on, and I liked it that way. Aside from my renewed friendship with Alice, nothing had changed much. Right now I didn't need change. I had had enough drama this year. I just wanted to spend all my time with my friends.

Three of them were more than friends, but what we shared could be described as friendship, so that is how I kept seeing it.

Today was visit Jake day. While I dearly loved my two other close friends, Jake was back to being my favorite person again. Even though so many things had changed, he was still the same Jake from my youth, the one that had always been there for me, my wolf.

We didn't watch TV or play games today. After the cooking, we had experimented some with mixing drinks into colorful cocktails and I think now we were both a bit tipsy. We were hanging in the couch, and hanging is the right word here, and talking about life, funny things and complicated things, some deep stuff as well.

I had let some of my inhibitions go, and I watched him shamelessly, he was still as gorgeous as ever. He was tipsy enough not to notice my longing gaze. It didn't matter anyway. He was still a married man, in love with his wife, and I had learned my lessons. Following desire will cause pain, mostly to myself. Five years ago it had made Jake run, I'd be daft if I risked that again. No matter how much I wanted to mount him right now.

I should stop the drinking, because it is not helping me.

He just asked me something I think, focus.

"Huh?"

"How's Tina and her girlfriend?"

"I don't think she calls Anna her girlfriend anymore."

"Trouble in paradise?"

"Sort of. Anna wanted Tina to move out of the apartment, she was jealous of me."

"She should be."

"Yeah. But how can she ask that from Tina if she doesn't even want to hold her hand on the street? And besides, Tina is not the settling kind of girl."

"So you hope."

"I hope she'll want to change with me. I'm twenty three now, I don't think I'll wait much longer. I don't want to be over twenty five. Otherwise I will be playing Edward and Bella's adoption mother some day."

"You think you'll still love me when I grow old then?" Usually he never mentions the fact that I love him, he must be tipsy as well.

"I think I will always love you, Jake."

"That's nice." He smiled lazily.

"I think so too. I need some certainties."

"I'll never leave you again." He looked in my eyes with an intense gaze, to prove how serious he was about this, even if we were just a little bit drunk.

"That's still not a certainty for me. But it's good that you feel that way."

"I am still so very sorry for doing that to you, I have a feeling I have done some damage that will never be right again."

"Some things have changed forever. But in a way, some things are better now too. Back then, we were in some sort of transition state, I used to be this innocent little girl, and you used to be my protective guardian, and we were kind of stuck in that pattern. Now I like how much more open we are. We both know I'm not innocent, neither are you, but that's okay."

"Yeah, I like it too, how honest we are. No more secrets."

"We can talk about my feelings for you, for instance, without feeling awkward, and about sex."

Did I have to bring up sex? What soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals, I guess.

"Sex, what is that?" He joked. Revealing as well.

"You're not getting any from Eve?"

"I'm offered, yeah, but not taking."

"Why? I thought that was the fun side of dating?"

"I'm not ready. I think. I'm losing my motivation to refuse though, it's been over three months."

"Yeah, I know what you mean, I'm not getting any either."

"What's stopping you? You're free."

"I know. I tried. But it was kinda worthless after Jasper."

"Poor humans," he smirked.

"Yeah. Hard to live up to a vampire. And I loved Jasper, which adds to his advantage."

"So you want the best sex of your life, or none at all?"

"That's not really it. The casual thing just doesn't do it for me. Not anymore." I want you and no other. But I can't really say that, can I? No matter how open we are.

"How long has it been for you?" he asked.

"Something like two months, I think."

"Then you must be horny too. I don't think I ever went this long without sex." Did he just say he was horny?

"What about before Leah?"

"I was a virgin then, that doesn't count, I didn't know what I was missing."

"I've gone longer without. I can manage." I shrugged.

"How long?"

"A year, sort of." After you left.

"A year?!? Shit Ness, I would die." I had been dying, but not for lack of sex.

"It didn't matter so much then. I had different things on my mind."

"It doesn't matter so much for me now either. I have sort of lost the life I had envisioned, so enough things on my mind as well. But still… I'm still a man, if I don't get some soon, then…"

What did he mean by that? How soon? As in right now? Or was I hoping too much?

"Then what Jake?" I looked at him and I think I tried to look seductive. There was no stopping this hungry beast inside.

Shit, I need some water, this booze is meddling with my good intentions, my promises with myself.

He looked back at me as if he was on to me, and thinking hard, arguing with himself.

"Do you remember Brazil?" He said. My heart sped up.

"Of course, I've been there for a month."

"You know what I mean, Ness." Of course I know. Our last night on the boat. The love me made. The sex that had made him run to the other side of the country.

"I do. I remember."

"Is it a good memory? Apart from the consequences."

Was he asking me if he had been a good fuck? Do I tell him the truth? That it was so good that I hadn't been able to sleep with anyone else after that. For a year.

Afterwards I found out why it had felt so good, he had loved me with all he had, he was mine that night, more mine than anyone ever had been.

"You don't have to answer, I'm sorry I asked."

"It's okay, I was thinking about how to answer. It is a good memory, yes. But it's a long time ago…" Want to make a new one? As in maybe right now?

He looked at me a long time again, I think we both were thinking the same.

Is it okay to help out a horny friend?

My heart sped up again. God, I wanted him so bad. I licked my lips and saw his eyes shift towards my mouth.

Suddenly he stood up and went to the kitchen. I could see through his pants that the tension in the air had gotten to him as well.

He asked if I wanted some water. Apparently he had decided we were too drunk to be safe. He was right.

Now he was out of my sight, I could think again. Damn, I had been seducing him again. By suggesting things between the lines, by looking at him, filled with desire. I should learn how to keep a healthy distance. I can't keep ruining friendship. Did I want him to run again then?

That was the last thing I wanted. Learn from my mistakes. _Not_ getting what I want is for the best.

"It's late Jake. I think I'll go home now."

"Oh." He came back in with two glasses of water, and pants that looked loose again. I could tell that he was disappointed at first, but he made for the door quickly to let me out, so I think that he was relieved as well.

Relieved that someone had the sense to put a stop to this.

Once outside I was proud. I was still horny, but I had made the right choice this time.

It is _not_ okay to help out a horny friend, if he is fixing his marriage and you are madly in love with him.


	33. Chapter 31 Dating

**Chapter thirty one: Dating**

**JPOV**

**October 7, Sunday**

I have finally done it. I slept with my wife. Wow, that's an accomplishment, I thought with rolling eyes.

It was very much needed. I had almost made mistakes. First with Ness and then one week later with Leah. That had been a very close call. Leah had been horny too, my years of experience with her had taught me to recognize that. I was having dinner at her place, Dean was playing in the other room and we were playing as well, footsie under the table. There is still some distance to cross from playing footsie to having sex, but with Leah, things can go really fast. In a mere second, her clothes could have been shredded.

I didn't want to ruin this budding friendship thing we were building and fall back into old habits with her. I also wanted my marriage to have a chance and I would be honest and faithful this time. Eve was trying hard to forget about Alec as well. I know that she was missing him.

And then last week it had finally happened. The frustrations were cleared, we had made passionate love. Eve is not such a passionate person, but this night had definitely been fire.

It was weird, going back home again in the morning, without her. But we had been so careful with each other, we wouldn't rush it. She would not move back in before new year. That way, we could be a dating couple again for some months, and get closer from there. Plus, she had to pay her rent in advance until new year.

Only now I would be spending more weekends at her place. I had learned first hand, as pathetic as I believed it to be, that I cannot go without sex. If I ever end up single again, I need a fuck buddy, or else I would mess up valuable friendships.

Now my horny mind had been cleared, things got better all round. I got used to living alone and I had enough company when needed. I would see Leah and Ness both two times a week. In between I would work late or sometimes visit Seth and Damian. They were actually talking about getting married, something they had never been interested in. Apparently some still believed in the beauty of promises.

I don't think I'll ever be that naïve again. I don't want to get divorced, I want to keep my marriage. Not for the promises, but for her. I don't believe in monogamy anymore. History had taught me that a person can love different people, in different ways, and that it doesn't have to be wrong, and that loving a second person, doesn't diminish the love for the first.

I would try to live monogamously though, not because I believed it was the only right way, but because I didn't want to hurt my Eve anymore. And because loving only one, that loves me back, makes life so much easier.

Right now, life was easy. Me and Eve were discovering each other again, were both in love, and in the mean time I had a job I loved and friends I loved. And that loved me back. Especially Ness.

I had learned to value her more than ever. It is true that one knows his friends in times of need. These last months, she had been kind of my sunshine. Whenever we spent time together I forgot everything else so easily, we fell back into this comfortable routine, much like it had been before, only now I wasn't obsessing over her because of the imprint, I could just relax and enjoy her company.

Sometimes I felt bad, knowing that she loved me more than I loved her, but she reassured me that she was perfectly happy. I think she really was, I know her so well, I would notice if I was hurting her by keeping her too close. Most of the times I was just flattered by her adoration.

I hadn't told her my suspicion, or asked her if it was true, but I had a feeling she was growing more and more close to Tina, and that she was slowly getting used to the idea of maybe being her girlfriend. Some day. She was definitely jealous of Anna, feeling possessive over Tina. If I asked her about that, she said that Tina was just not a settling girl and that she wouldn't want her to change for somebody else. It was clear that she felt like Anna didn't deserve Tina's love. Ness would never be ashamed to walk the street holding Tina's hand, she would be proud even.

Yesterday, me and Eve had gone to the zoo. The same one me and Ness had met again, where I had bought her that wolf souvenir. It was nice having Eve with me an entire day, but the scenery had been wrong, this place had to belong to Ness in my memory. A lot of things reminded me of that day with her, and apparently I talked a little too much about Ness, because Eve started to get irritated.

I noticed and made for a different approach. Not just casually strolling the place, but using all my charms on her. I looked into her eyes whenever I could, I smiled at her thinking of how much I loved her, I made sure to touch her at all times, walking hand in hand, of putting my arm around her shoulder, or her waist.

It worked. She was giggling and blushing and I enjoyed the effect I had on her. We ended up in her bed making love. Several times. I loved the feeling of fresh passion. Every couple should move apart once in a while.

I knew it wouldn't last. We would soon fall back into our pattern of comfortable lovemaking, but I never minded that either. I like gentle sex just as much. This morning we had breakfast together and she asked me to stay today as well. We didn't do much, it felt a bit weird, hanging around in her apartment without the distraction of dating or mating.

Around five I kissed her goodbye and went for the door to go home.

"Are you leaving? Can't you stay a little longer?"

"I have some paperwork to go through before tomorrow."

"You can get your stuff and come back and spend the night here…"

"I'm sorry Eve, I can't do that."

"Why?"

"We were taking things slow, remember."

"Can't I see you this week then? I'm working and babysitting a lot, but I'm free on Tuesday."

"I can't on Tuesday."

"Why not?"

"Eve please…" I sat down in the couch again and held her hands.

"It's Ness isn't it?"

"Yes, Ness comes over on Tuesday."

"So she can see you two times a week and I can't?" I didn't like where this was going. I let go of her hands.

"She gets two evenings, and you get the entire weekend, want to trade?" I said, maybe a little too harshly.

"I'm your wife. And I actually don't want you to see Ness anymore. Can't you cancel that and see me instead?"

Should I do that? Did she have the right to demand that I stay away?

I promised I would never leave again. I don't care for rights here. Ness had once chosen me over her one and only boyfriend, sure I wouldn't let her down now. I prayed that Eve would never put me to the choice.

I really didn't understand why she was so jealous of Ness, while it had been Leah I had loved and betrayed her with. Maybe she trusted Leah more than me. She shouldn't. Leah is a dangerous creature, sometimes sweet, but she knows how to get what she wants.

"You and me, we're working things out. Slowly. Ness and Leah are my friends, and they spend time with me because I need my friends right now."

"So I'm just good for sex?"

"What? Did I give you that impression?" She saw that I was hurt by her accusation.

"No. I'm sorry. It's just… It's going too slow for me, Jacob."

I didn't know what to say to that. Our date and our night had been wonderful, but this day had actually been a little too much for me. A little too homey, and awkward. In fact, I needed to go slower even.

"Learning to trust again takes time. You should take your time as well. To fully trust me again."

"I trust you already. Why can't you trust me?"

"I don't know, Eve. And maybe you shouldn't trust me yet. Take some time to let me prove it."

"What do you mean I shouldn't trust you? Are you still sleeping with Leah?"

"No."

"Ness then. I knew it. That little whore!"

That reaction pissed me off to no end, I stood up and made for the door again.

"I see how much you trust me alright. And don't you talk about her like that ever again."

She ran after me, and grabbed my arm to keep me there. I felt sorry for my Eve, for the despair she felt, but her actions to keep me here only made me want to leave faster. We were clearly not on the same page yet.

And here I was thinking everything was so perfect, a young couple crazy in love.

In fact I was in love, and Eve was still hurt.

And she distrusted me so much she wanted to keep me close. Control me.

I peeled her hand from my arm, easily, and opened the door, while she kept weeping apologies. I know she felt sorry for what she said, but she had meant it.

I understood now. I wondered even if the passionate sex was a fake, a way to keep me here.

As I drove home I was glad that I hadn't given in to seeing her on Tuesday as well, glad that I hadn't blown off Ness for a possessive trick of a hurt woman.

* * *

**AN: Do you think it'll work out between them?**


	34. Chapter 32 Movie

**Chapter thirty two: Movie**

**NPOV**

**October 12, Friday**

On Thursday I had made Spaghetti a la Ness for Jake again. It was his favorite, no matter how many times I made it, he loved it every time, and I would do anything for that smile of his. He didn't seem so hopeful anymore about his marriage. Last week he had been delighted, believing it was all going to work out. This week he didn't want to talk about it.

On Saturday he would have dinner with Eve, and I could see he was not looking forward to it.

"Tomorrow is good old movie night at the Cullens, want to join? For old times sake." I tried not to make it sound as a pity invite. It wasn't, I really wanted him to be there. Every minute in his company was a happy minute.

"I always loved movie night..."

I knew that. He loved watching me during movies. But that was then.

"So come along. They haven't seen you in a while."

"I shouldn't, Eve would mind."

"Ask her along, my family likes her as well."

"No. I don't want them to play human on their movie night. Is Tina going too?"

"Yes of course."

"I shouldn't be bothering you then."

"Don't be silly. She doesn't need me there, she gets along with everyone. And you know them all as well. Longer than I have. But you don't have to if you don't want to."

"I want to."

"It's up to you, you know where they live."

I wasn't going to push him, if he wanted to make excuses. What did Tina have to do with him going to a movie night anyway?

I hadn't heard from him again by Friday, so I drove with Tina up the mountains. We had just picked a movie to watch, and all gotten some place in the couch or on the ground, when he showed up in the doorway. I almost jumped up to embrace him, but I refrained myself. I scooted a little bit closer to Tina, to make some place on my other side, hoping that he would choose that spot.

He did. He pressed himself between me and Carlisle, pushing me closer even to Tina, while giving me a wink. I think he had understood my hint. It was a couch made for six people, and it was now crammed with seven, Esme, Carlisle, Jake, me, Tina, Rose and Emmett. Carlisle and Rose joked that they would get overheated by the human contact, Jake commented that the most overheated must be me, in the middle, and he winked again.

Was he joking now at my feelings for him? He had said it in a kind way, I didn't mind, I smiled back at him, as if we shared a little secret.

"And me," Tina added, "I'm on overload between two hot chicks, somebody give me some ice."

"I'll cool you down any time, babe" Emmett responded.

Rose didn't slap him, she just laughed along at their jokes, obviously flattered by Tina's compliment. So Tina's charming her rival now?

The movie was beautiful and romantic. Somewhere along the evening I had leaned over to Jake, my head was resting against his shoulder, his arm was around me. I don't think he meant anything by it, the space was just so scarce it was easier to put his arms on the rest, or around me. My knees were lifted and my feet were in Tina's lap. She was massaging them. If I could just fall asleep like this, or maybe not, I would miss out. My attention was on Jake's heartbeat, I sighed happily and he smiled at me knowingly.

He obviously liked my affection today, and I didn't mind giving it to him. At all.

Tina squeezed my feet a bit to get my attention. I turned my head slightly to look at her. She lifted her eyes to Jake, who was watching the movie, and she smirked and winked. She had noticed his changed behavior as well.

Then she shifted her eyes to her right, and back at me, as if she wanted to tell me something but couldn't. I looked behind her, and then I saw that Rose her arm was on the headrest as well, just like Jake's. But her hand was not resting, it was playing absentmindedly in Tina's hair. I lifted my eyebrows, and Tina gave me look that said "I know". She had no idea what that was about either. The vampires hadn't noticed our little conversation, although Edward probably had, he kept watching the screen intently though.

Then Tina winked meaningfully at me, as if to say "watch this", and she yawned, stretched herself and pretended to doze off while leaning against Rose. The hand on the arm rest froze, but then it hesitantly placed itself on Tina's shoulder, holding the sleeping girl.

Tina's such a fake! And what was she up to with Rose? Did she really think Rose was a hot chick now she was somewhat lesbian? So hot she would actually pretend to fall asleep against a stone and cold vampire? Or did she have a hidden agenda?

I looked at Edward and just caught him as his eyes shifted over Rose and Tina quickly, before looking back at the screen. I couldn't read his expression, but I was very curious to the thoughts in both girls heads. I think they were both clearly awake, and this dozing off and distracted hair curling thing was just an act. Tina had some explaining to do, and I don't think I would wait till Sunday evening, I should take her for a walk tomorrow. Or maybe send her a text tonight. Even whispering is dangerous with the vampire ears around.

After the movie I walked Jake to his car. He took out his cell and started typing a message, gesturing me to take mine. Apparently he wanted to say something that didn't need to be overheard as well. I tried not to get my hopes up. When I got the message it read "I noticed something with Tina during the movie." He smiled at me.

"Me too", I answered out loud. He grinned wider and so did I. Apparently he found the Tina/Rose act amusing as well. He looked like he wanted to say something more about the subject, but then didn't and leaned in to me to kiss me goodnight.

Only he didn't kiss me on the cheek, he went for my lips, and I was surprised, I froze.

He didn't really kiss me. His lips had brushed mine ever so lightly. It was enough to stop my heart though.

"I'm sorry", he muttered and practically ran for his car.

"Jake, please don't run again."

I was scared. Had I made a mistake? Had I come too close during the movie? If I had confused him, he would push me away again. When he heard me he stopped dead in his tracks.

"I'm not running Ness." He turned around, and saw the terrified look on my face. He walked back and held my face in his warm hands.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"You're sorry? I am. I didn't mean to confuse you, I don't know what that was about."

"It's okay. Your aim was off. Here's my cheek."

He smiled weakly and kissed me on the cheek. "Goodnight Ness. See you on Tuesday. Promise."

I smiled back.

When I got into bed, the feel of his lips against mine was fading. It had been just a breeze, but it was enough to make my heart flutter every time I thought of it. It was the most I could ever get from him. I had to lock it away somewhere and remember it forever.

Just like I had locked our passionate night in Brazil away. Although that memory had been stained by the consequences of it. I hoped this almost kiss would not have any consequences, he had been in a good mood, he was maybe just distracted.

Like Rose had been?

I needed to ask Tina, so I went to her room, pen and paper in hand, and I motioned to her not to read out loud. She sat up and waited for me to finish.

"_Jake almost kissed me. Almost. What was your sleeping act about? You have a plan B for Emmett?" _

I really wished that that wasn't the case. She had been ashamed about her previous encounter and said that no amount of mind blowing sex was worth hurting the Cullens who had given her so much. But maybe she started missing some male attention.

She smiled when reading it and immediately started writing the answer.

"_You and Jake were totally cute tonight. You should ask Jasper or Edward about him. I'm curious what they would say about me as well. I have no idea what that was about."_

I read it and looked at her, she smiled and shrugged innocently.

"_Impulsive as ever. I wish Jake would be more impulsive, I think he might have kissed me. You fancy Rose then?"_

This time she thought hard reading this, and then simply nodded. She _did_ fancy Rose? It was the only explanation I had for her impulsive behavior, but I hadn't really believed it.

"_How can you like both of us, she's nothing like me." _

She grinned and wrote

"_Don't be jealous sweetie, I still like you best... ;-)" _

I wasn't laughing at her response, I was merely surprised at how obvious I was. I was jealous.

I stared at the paper, thinking of something to say, a joke, something to deny it, but before I thought of something she said out loud "It's okay." I looked up and we stared into each other's eyes.

"I mean it, you can delete the wink. We'll talk about it on Monday, okay?"

"Alright, night Tina."

"Goodnight sweetie".

I smiled at her term of endearment, she only uses them when she feels I get insecure. She knows me that well.

It's strange really, I'm in love with Jake, and even apart from that I can't be Tina's girlfriend, we both know that. But why do I get jealous then? Or am I just worried about her? Sure Rose won't make her happy, just like Anna won't. Will I make her happy enough to make up for not having a girlfriend, for not settling down? That is a hard job to do.

We did need to talk.

When I got back into bed I surfaced the memory again, in hopes of dreaming about it.

Jake's warm lips, almost on mine.

* * *

**AN: I counted the team votes. It wasn't that hard. Apparently you're all in the same team! :) So you must be pleased with this almost kiss. ;-)**


	35. Chapter 33 Math

**Chapter thirty three: Math**

**JPOV**

**October 13, Saturday**

I didn't give it another thought, Ness was right, my aim was off. I just hoped I hadn't confused her, or given her hope for something that would never happen.

I needed to get my marriage fixed and focus on that. I had believed it was already fixing itself, but apparently that wasn't true. We had to work, there were still a lot of issues to clear. Mainly lack of trust in each other. How could we trust each other if we have never been faithful, ever? She had started seeing Alec before we were married, but he had been sure never to leave Dean.

I decided we needed to talk about what she had said last Sunday, before I would go home with her tonight. Right now, I was still a little angry that she had called Ness a whore, and I would not make love to her if this was not cleared up. And if I would refuse her she would get even more insecure, and make up even more accusations. Better get this thing over with now, during dinner.

We just got our desserts and the atmosphere was not really happy, but still relaxed.

"I wanted to talk about the thing you said last week, about Ness."

"Oh, I thought that was long forgotten, you know I didn't mean that." She didn't seem pleased that I wanted to bring that up again.

"I think you did mean it."

"I don't think she is a whore, I swear. I just… she's after you, you knew that?"

"We have a history, we go way back."

"That a good way of avoiding my question."

I sighed. Could I tell her that I knew Ness loved me? She was going to ask why I kept her close, if I was never going to give her what she wants. I didn't know the answer to that either.

"Listen honey, if I wanted to be with Ness, I wouldn't be here, would I?"

She wasn't convinced.

"Is she some sort of ex-girlfriend?"

"No. We were never together." She is _way_ more than my ex-girlfriend, she is my ex-everything. But never my girlfriend.

"You are awfully close, you have to admit that. Isn't it normal that I ask questions?"

"Yes, you can ask anything you want, but you can't tell me not to see her anymore. And yes we are close, we are both in a period of our lives where friendship without benefits is important for us. That's all it is."

"So you have no feelings for her?"

"Apart from friendship no, none."

"I can ask you anything I want?"

"Yes."

"Alright, hypothetically, if I asked you to come over on Wednesday, would you do it?"

"Eve, we talked about this. Going slow, remember?"

"Just hypothetically. The answer is no. What if Ness would ask you?"

"I don't know. Depends on why she asked."

"Because she needs you. Same reason I ask."

"You can't really compare Eve. She is getting over Jasper, I'm an outsider there. With you I'm right in the middle."

"Alright, another question. If she would say she would go on a holiday for two weeks, would you miss her?"

"I think so. Is it not okay to miss friends?"

"I don't know. If Seth and Damian would go, would you miss them?"

"Sure."

"Just as much?"

"Maybe not. I'm a little closer to Ness. What exactly are you getting at?"

"Some things that I see, and that you don't see."

"Like what?"

"Tell me for instance something negative about Ness."

"Why is this any good? Are you going to feel better if I trash her?"

"You can't think of anything, can you?"

"I can't think of a negative thing about you either. Please Eve. Let it go. I'll tell you something about her. It's nothing negative, but it might put your mind at ease. Ness her roommate Tina, have you met her?"

"Yes, the crazy one."

"That one. She's in love with Ness. And I think Ness is growing more and more fond of the idea of someday being her girlfriend."

"But she's straight."

"She thought she was. She has to learn to think outside the box."

"I don't believe that. Maybe that is just putting your mind at ease."

"It should relieve you. Soon she'll be no longer single. Yesterday Tina was massaging her feet and he was all happy sighing." I didn't add that she was doing that while laying against my chest.

"You saw Ness yesterday?" Oh crap.

"The Cullens invited me."

"I don't know Jacob…" She shook her head.

"I can't see the Cullens now either?"

"You can see whomever you want, but apparently you want to see only one person. And I think you are in love with her."

I stayed silent and it was my turn to shake my head. How many times did I have to tell her it was _her_ I loved?

Because I didn't answer, she continued.

"Add up all the answers you gave me just now." She started counting on her hand. "You would see her any day if she asked, you miss her when she's not there, you can't think of anything negative, do the math Jacob. You are in love." She dropped her hands on the table again.

"I'm not. I love you…" I whispered. But her words had put something in motion in my head.

Do the math. Had I been so stupid to fall in love without noticing?

It would explain why I had put my arm around Ness and wanted to keep her close, why my aim had been off. I had almost kissed her.

Had I wanted to kiss her?

I don't _think_ so… Or did I?

"You're thinking about it. In doubt. You can't promise me that you are not in love with her."

"Why are you doing this Eve? I swear to you I didn't see Ness that way. Why are you trying to convince me I have feelings for her? Maybe you are just talking me into doubting."

"There's no such thing as convincing somebody they are in love. I'm just opening your eyes, Jacob."

"No, you're not. You're messing with my mind, that's all. And we are right back where we started, you not trusting me."

"This has nothing to do with trust. I trust that you won't pursue her, or kiss her or sleep with her. For me. But I don't trust that you don't _want_ to."

"I don't want to. I only want you, please."

"Swear to me that you are not in love with her."

"If I am love, I'm not aware of it. Is that not the same? You say you see things. I don't see them. What is the truth then? If I believe I'm not in love, isn't that enough?"

"I guess. I can't blame you for things you don't notice. But it wouldn't hurt you to keep a little more distance. Just to be safe."

"I'll see what I can do."

The thing is, it _would_ hurt me to keep a little more distance. And if Ness would ask me to see her every single day, I would be happy to. And if she would go on a holiday for even one week, I would miss her, a lot.

I thought this math summed up to being close friends. Really close, as in having been someone's imprint for seventeen years. Nothing more.

Now I wasn't so sure anymore.

"I think you shouldn't spend the night tonight." She was sad.

So was I. Why was she making this harder than it needed to be?

We said our goodbyes, with a kiss on the cheek, no mistakes today.

I turned on my computer and without thinking I clicked on her Twitter page that was in my favorites bar. I checked it every day.

She had posted something by Jewel, I never heard of it. Probably a song.

_There is this hunger,  
This restlessness inside of me.  
And it knows that you`re no stranger,  
You`re my gravity._

_For I am wanting,  
And I am needing you here,  
Inside the absence of fear._

It wasn't dedicated to someone in particular, but I knew it was for Tina.

And the jealousy I felt made me doubt even more.

I did the math.

And the result was not good.

Eve was right.

I was in love.


	36. Chapter 34 Trying

**Chapter thirty four: Trying**

**NPOV**

**October 15, Monday**

Eventually we didn't talk anymore in private on the weekend, me and Tina. It had been a stormy weekend, and that was the perfect scenario for one hell of a vampire base ball game. I had seen them play many times before, but I never got bored of it. It was Tina's first and she had been fascinated. On Monday evening we were hanging at home, in our comfy chair, still talking about it.

"I wish I had such super strength and super speed, what a blast life would be."

"Yeah. But vampirism comes with disadvantages as well, like wanting to eat your human friends."

She laughed but then said "you think they want to eat us then?"

"Not me. I grew up with them. You for sure." She punched me on the arm and laughed, but looked up at my face to check if by any chance I was serious.

"Emmett should eat me."

"That's so predictable Tina. Not like you." I looked at her pretending to dissaprove.

"Okay, Jasper should eat me. I bet he's hot when he hunts."

"Oh boy, you have _no_ idea." We both laughed out loud.

"I don't think I would mind the disadvantages. There are more disadvantages to being human. I wish I was one of them." Should I tell her now?

"What would you do if you actually had the choice?"

"Go for it. For sure. I mean, if you add up the pros and the cons, vampire life definitely suits me best."

"So you have been thinking about this then?"

"Sometimes."

"I have the choice."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, this is another part of my secret."

"More secrets?" She pulled her feet up in the couch, eager to learn more, while she tried to look cross with me for concealing more things while we were being so open.

I told her about how me being born a half-breed meant that I would change into a vampire at eighteen. How it had started and I wanted to stop it. The trip to Brazil to neutralize the venom and the promise of my family to change me when I was ready for it.

"Shit Ness, what are you waiting for?"

"I have human friends I don't want to leave behind. Or eat."

"Me and Jake."

"Oh right, there's another secret as well. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you all at once, this one is just as weird as the first one."

Then I told her about the werewolf pack and the imprint.

"So you are meant for each other, how sweet is that, knowing that in the end…"

"Wow, wait. Not anymore. It was broken. I told you I had hurt him and that he left, that's when we lost the imprint."

"But you still love him?" She was confused now. Not about the vampires, the changing and the werewolves, but about my feelings. This is one strange girl.

"Yes. But not because of the imprint. Just because of him."

"He is really sweet, especially with you. He loves you too, everyone can tell that."

"I know. Just not in every way."

"So he knows about the vampires, he has practically lived with them for years, you won't lose him if you change, and you won't lose me either because I know now as well. Is that why you told me? Because you didn't want to lose me if you changed?"

"Yes, that's one of the reasons. The first reason was that I hated to lie all the time. Especially with you. Second, as you guessed, because I don't want to lose you when I change. There was a third reason as well, but I am not the one to decide about that. I had this dream to change you as well."

"Great, let's do it!"

"My family does not agree. It's against their morals to end a human life, for me it's different, I was born to become a vampire. They believe vampires are monsters, who don't have souls."

"No kidding?"

"I was allowed to tell you and then in a few years they would decide. Probably hoping that you would want to stay human, but I knew you would want this life instead."

"Hell yeah I do!"

"Tell me Tina, this wish to become one of them, does it have anything to do with certain vampires you fancy?"

"No, that would actually be one of the disadvantages. They love each other, right?"

"Right."

"You tell me something. Speaking of this fancying. On Friday. You were jealous."

I didn't know what to say to that. I looked down at my hands. She didn't accuse me, she just stated it, in a kind way.

"We have to be honest, Ness. It's okay to feel whatever you feel, but I want to know. I don't really understand."

"I know Tina. Yes, I was jealous, but I don't know why. I'm still…"

"Straight."

"Yes."

"Of course you are, sweetie. Things like that don't change."

"I don't know."

"You don't know? You're waiting for it to change?"

"Wouldn't that be great?"

"The two of us together, that would be great yes, but who are you trying to fool?"

"I want to believe it."

"For me?"

"For both of us. I even believe the world would be a better place if we stayed a team."

She smiled "we stay a team no matter what."

"I know, but I wish we would be enough for each other."

"You think I can? Or you?"

"Maybe."

We stared into each other's eyes.

"Maybe I don't really … desire it, because I have never… With a girl… You know?"

She understood.

"You want to try something then? See how you feel?"

Experimenting with Tina. I should be scared, but I was excited. I nodded.

"Say stop if you want me to stop." She added and sat closer next to me. I nodded again. She was going to kiss me. I had kissed her before, but I had a feeling she was going to take it further now. To see if this could be something for me. The both of us together.

I wanted it to work. Love the one that loves you, right? And I loved her. But did I want her? All these thoughts coursed through my head, as she leaned closer to me. Her hand on my cheek, her lips followed my jaw and slowly made their way to my lips.

If I didn't want it, this was the moment to say stop. About everything else I had no idea, I was going to find out, but kissing I did want. I turned my head so my lips were on hers. We kissed each other deeply, lovingly. It felt good. I was relieved that it could feel like this, kissing a girl. When she moved her attention to my neck, I whispered "Tina, I don't want to hurt your feelings, it's dangerous, this experiment…"

"Sweetie, if I can help you find out what you want, and get to do this in the process…" she didn't finish her sentence but kissed my mouth again. She took my hand and slowly lifted it over her breast. I panicked a little bit.

"I don't know what to do."

"Don't worry, Nessie, you don't have to do anything. I'm yours, do whatever you want."

Right. If only I knew what I want. "You lead," I told her.

"Alright, but tell me to stop okay."

"Okay."

One of her hands lowered from my neck to my breasts. She was panting slightly. She was more turned on than I was, I was just discovering what it is like to hold a girl like this. Her hands were all over me now, and it didn't feel wrong, but it didn't make me want to touch her either. Not like Jasper's touch had.

She pressed herself against me, her warm and soft body, and whispered "I want you…"

We kissed again, but now it did feel wrong.

She stopped and leaned back to look me in the eyes.

"You don't want me, do you?"

I just sighed and she groaned and fell back against the couch, her eyes closed, breathing heavily.

I rested beside her. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, I appreciate you tried, not being stuck to your straight label."

"I wish things were different." We turned on our sides to look at each other.

"Is this going to change things between us?"

"Of course not, sweetie. I just wish Emmett had seen it."

I laughed, so happy at how easy things always are with Tina.

"I bet you can get a repeat with Rose, that would drive Emm even more crazy."

"Yeah, I wish."

* * *

**AN: So are you sad or relieved it didn't work the way Nessie wanted it?**


	37. Chapter 35 Closer

**Chapter thirty five: Closer**

**JPOV**

**November 5, Monday**

Now that I knew I was in love with Ness, a little, it didn't change anything for me. I still loved Eve and I wanted my relationship to work.

But it should have changed some things. I should tell Ness and take some distance, but I couldn't. I was wondering if maybe she had been the reason for my wish to take things even slower with Eve. If Eve would move back in, there would be no more excuse for Tuesday and Thursday visits.

And Friday. The Cullens had invited me to come over next Friday as well. Knowing what I know now, I should not accept, but I found myself looking forward to it already. That's the thing about being in love, you want to see them. All the time.

I wanted to be with Ness. And she enjoyed my company as well. As long as I didn't give her hope, there was nothing wrong with that.

So I kept seeing her, three times a week now, but I made sure to focus on my aim. That was needed, because now I had admitted my feelings to myself, I was drawn more and more to her lips. Eve had not done me a favor, opening my eyes, but I could see that it was needed. I've had these feelings for a while I think, and if I wanted things to work out between me and Eve, then I needed to forget them. First be complete aware of them and then pushing them away again.

Of course I wasn't very good in pushing them away, as I refused to avoid Ness. And I refused to take distance as well.

I wasn't being as close as possible on purpose, but it just happened all the time, and I didn't stop it from happening. When watching TV, we ended up curled up in the couch, when walking outside, we ended up holding hands, or with my arm around her, when having dinner, we ended up leaning over the table, talking while looking into each others eyes.

It was wrong. She must have felt it too. She loved me, so she was tuned in on this kind of thing. I was leading her on. Acting like a love sick teenager, while having no intentions of a future with her. And she took whatever she could get, drank from my company, talked with me, laughed with me, couldn't get enough. And I couldn't get enough of just that. And of her.

I saw things now that I haven't noticed before. The way her cheek dimples sometimes when she smiles, but not every time, just with certain smiles. The way the sun reflects on her hair, that was now no longer blond but red again. The way she gets adorably jealous whenever Tina mentions Anna, and how that jealousy shows in blushing.

Sometimes when she lay against me on the couch, falling asleep after a long talk, I was reluctant to let her go home again. I wanted to keep her with me. And I wondered if maybe I should forget about Eve and go for Ness. I knew she loved me back. But I had fears, a lot of them.

First there were Nessies feelings. I didn't know if she was still in love with me. She needed me, my company, but that doesn't mean she wanted me. I had seen what happened with Tina. I had been sure that she was falling for her, but she had tried and it hadn't worked out. I don't think I would be as okay as Tina was, if we took a shot at it, and it didn't work. Tina was really easygoing, and I admired that in her. She even made jokes about their experiment, calling Ness one hell of a tease.

Second, there were Eve's feelings. She was a wonderful lovely woman, who loved me, and who needed me as well. I loved her, still. I was sure of that. Could I let her down now? After she had lived through the hardest year of her life? Of course not.

Third, there were my feelings. I had a crush. Just recently. While I loved Eve for four years. I must be crazy to go for the crush.

And last but not least, there was the friendship between me and Ness of course. It was right now one of the most important things in my life, maybe even _the_ most important thing, and I would not risk losing it. Not for this crush. I would not risk hurting Ness, Eve and myself.

But I would not avoid her either. I didn't even try.

Today is Monday, which normally means working late day. Eve would hang with Leah and Dean, Ness would hang with Tina. But today Emmett and Rose had taken Tina along for a football game. Ness doesn't like those, so she was home alone. She was bored and called me up, and somehow I got myself invited over, and I gladly accepted. There was this small voice in my mind that said "Mondays now too?" But I ignored it. I am getting quite good at that.

I brought her some fast food, and we played board games, like we had that week she had been staying at my place. We drank some beers, and were just a little tipsy. Just enough to get caught up in the game, and become so competitive it was funny. We laughed at ourselves so hard, we almost had belly aches. When Tina came home – time had flown by – we got into the couch listening to Tina's story.

After Tina had gone to bed, it was time for me to go home, but I stayed seated in the couch. She got closer to me, now Tina was no longer in between us. We were both leaning sideways against it, facing each other. Our knees were touching and my arm was over the headrest, reaching over to stroke her hair. Once our conversation had stopped, I realized how intimate this pose was. This moment.

I didn't pull my hand back though. We looked into each other's eyes, still silent. I lost my focus and leaned in to her, my face inches away from hers. She closed the last distance and her lips were on mine. Softly.

She didn't kiss me. She just held her lips against mine, and I didn't move either. If no lips are moving or pressing together, can it be called kissing, technically?

I decided that it wasn't wrong as long as I didn't move.

After a while of breathing in her scent, however, my lips did move. I caressed her lips with mine. Gently.

She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. I understood what I was doing to her. Giving her a taste of something forbidden.

Still, I didn't stop.

My hand that was in her hair moved to the back of her head. My fingers softly tracing her neck.

And then she kissed me back. Our mouths were closed, but her lips were moving. Tenderly.

It lasted a long time. Reality would hit us as soon as we broke apart, so we didn't. As slowly as our lips were kissing, as furiously my heart was beating.

When we eventually leaned back, I looked at her.

"Don't say it," she whispered. I didn't know what she meant, because the only thought I had in my mind was to kiss her again.

"Are you still coming over tomorrow?" I asked. It implied that I would go home now, but that I wanted to see her again soon. We needed to talk, but not right now.

"If you want me to."

"Of course."

Now was the moment for me to get up and leave, but I couldn't. She leaned over to me again, this time her hand was in my neck, and she kissed me again, full on the lips. All to soon it was over again and she got up from the couch.

I walked out and closed the door behind me, while she rested against the wall, watching me leave.

As soon as I was out, I leaned against the wall as well. What have I done? I have opened the box of Pandora. All I wanted was to go back in and kiss her till we both grew old. This will not end well.

But I couldn't bring myself to care. About the future where three people would get hurt. My mind was in a daze. I had kissed Ness and she had kissed me back.

Whatever came from that could not be bad. Or so I believed.

I had kissed my girl, my Nessie.

* * *

**AN: Butterfly belly aches! :-) How about you?**


	38. Chapter 36 One More

**Chapter thirty six: One more**

**NPOV**

**November 6, Tuesday**

I hadn't slept at all tonight, the memory of that kiss kept replaying itself, and I didn't want it any other way.

At work I was terrible, so I quit early to go home and take a nap. It helped a little. Clear thoughts came back gradually. They weren't welcome, but I knew they were needed.

If I would go over to him later, he would surely tell me this was a mistake. And I had to agree then, although I didn't want to. Tell him to give his marriage an honest chance. Maybe he would want us to finally take some distance. I knew he was getting way to close, but I was addicted. I always have been. How could I not be addicted now? Now I was completely head over heals in love, and now I could feel that he had some feelings for me as well.

He had wanted to kiss me. We kissed way too long to be a one side thing. But we also had a couple of drinks, maybe he was just confused.

Whatever it was and whatever tonight may bring, I had kissed him and that moment nobody could take away again. I think it was the sweetest kiss of my life.

Maybe I was biased, because I was so in love, but I really think it was. And it had a massive effect on me. I can only imagine what a French kiss would do to me. I would faint I think.

I was really nervous when I arrived at his place. A part of me was hoping that he would still be in a daze and ready for a repeat. But when he opened the door telling me we needed to talk, my hope was instantly gone.

He had prepared dinner, but neither of us was hungry, so we decided to talk first, and we got into the couch. We sat in the same position as yesterday. He laughed a bit uncomfortably when he noticed. He was nervous as well.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Nessie. I asked myself a million question but all the answers are that I _don't_ _know_."

"What sort of questions?"

"You want all of them?"

"Are some of them about how to tell me truth without breaking my heart?"

"No. I haven't gotten to that part. I don't know the truth."

"You wanted to kiss me yesterday?"

"Yes." He answered, without blushing. I blushed though.

"That's all the truth I believed so far."

"Do you know your truth?"

"Yes."

"Tell me." He looked at me pleadingly.

"What do you want to know? I think you know everything already."

"Things might have changed."

"They haven't."

He took a deep breath and smiled at me, as if he was pleased with my answer. He wanted me to love him. Was it flattering to him?

"I think you will understand if I tell you I'm in love with two people, and it confuses me."

He looked into my eyes when he said it. He wanted me to nod, to tell him it was alright to be indecisive and confused.

Right now I was just bombarded with the news that he was in love with me. I had maybe hoped something like that, why else did he want to kiss me? But for him to admit it, and to say it out loud, to me… My heart had stopped and my breathing hitched.

"That's the only truth I got Nessie. Now what?"

"Easy. Choose." I joked, and smiled sadly.

I knew what the result would be. It must be a terrible feeling for him. I knew first hand. Life was easier when you just love one person. Even if your heart gets broken, it's better than breaking somebody else's.

Maybe I should make it easier on him. But I couldn't.

Now he had said he was in love, the hope was there, and I would not just let go. He was the love of my life. I would fight for him.

But not force him. That would scare him away. I think perhaps Eve was doing that a little too much.

He didn't laugh at my joke. He just nodded thoughtfully. I felt sorry for him.

"You don't have to do it now."

"I don't want to lead you on. Or her."

"I'm patient. I can be annoyingly persistent. I think she can as well. Take your time."

"I don't want time. This is hell. Give me an ultimatum or something."

"I won't. I'll just be right here. I have once waited for five years to have you back into my life. And I'm grateful for that. I can wait longer for more."

"So if I get back together with Eve, you'll wait for me? You can't do that."

"I don't know what I'll do. It's a mean thing, hoping and waiting for a relationship to end. I'll try to move on, but on some level, it will always be you…"

I looked straight at him. Is has always been him.

"Nessie…" he didn't know what to say to that, he pulled me closer and embraced me. We held each other a long time. I knew what this meant.

"My mind tells me to choose her. Choose my wife. Keep your friendship. Don't ruin everything."

So loving me would ruin everything for him. It hurt.

I had told myself my heart wouldn't break, I had known he was going for her. It was the right thing to do for him. But it did break.

Only now I knew how much hope that kiss had given me. I managed to avoid sobbing, but the tears I couldn't stop.

"I'm sorry Ness," he whispered, as he wiped the tears with his thumbs.

He must be devastated. Bringing down a girl he loves. I tried to smile at him, but I couldn't. I should go home right now before the sobbing really begins and I make him even more miserable.

"I understand," I choked.

"I shouldn't have kissed you."

"Please don't be sorry. I'll cherish it in my memory. It was beautiful."

"How can I not be sorry if it hurt you so much?"

"I think I had been hoping before as well… only I didn't know. Until now."

"Then I'm sorry for all I have done to cause that. But the kiss, you're right, I'll cherish it was well."

He looked at my lips, knowing there won't be another one. But this thought alone made the desire to kiss even stronger. My heart was broken anyway, what did I have to lose? I reached up and placed my hands on his face and slowly closed the distance.

"I want to kiss you so bad," I whispered.

He didn't pull away, he closed his eyes and moved his arms around my back, pulling me close to him, one hand again in my neck, causing me shivers.

This kiss was even more beautiful. We knew it would be the last.

Our cheeks were wet with both our tears. When my tongue licked his lips I could taste them.

He opened his lips slightly, allowing me entrance, and pulled me even closer when our tongues met. His tongue moved softly over mine, caressing it, giving me some warm comfort.

I didn't faint, but it felt god damn amazing.

We kissed like this for a very long time. Neither of us wanted it to stop. Our tears were dried up. Hands in each others hair. We had gotten a little more comfortable in the couch, but our mouths never broke contact.

Eventually the kiss ended and we looked into each others eyes again. I could see his love for me, but that made it only more painful.

As fresh tears started to pool in my eyes, I got up and went for the door.

I looked back before I closed it. He was still on the couch, looking just as crushed as I was feeling. I closed it quickly and drove home.

Tina got into my bed with me while I cried myself to sleep, holding me and telling me it would all be alright.

* * *

**AN: I bet you have mixed feelings about this... Tell me.**


	39. Chapter 37 Let's

**Chapter thirty seven: Let's**

**JPOV**

**November 7, Wednesday**

I kissed her. Twice now.

And I broke her heart. Twice as well.

I had just decided to do the right thing, even if it hurt the both of us, and then I ruined it all again. The only solution there was to this problem was not to see Ness again. For a while.

Only I couldn't. Couldn't stay away. Not a chance. And not just because it would hurt her, but it would break my heart as well.

There was no way out for me, but to destroy a woman I love, or both.

All I could do now was to be honest, and make sure I would be able to look in the mirror again.

I invited Eve and she agreed instantly. It was a Wednesday, I hoped she wouldn't get the idea we were doing better than before. Things had never been this complicated. And she will be hurt by what I have to confess.

When Eve arrived, she immediately saw something was wrong. It was weird for her, being back home after all this time. It was even weirder that I had to offer her some drink and get it from the kitchen, where she had spent much more time than I have.

"You called me over to talk," she guessed.

"Yes."

We both sat down in a couch. Not the one where me and Ness kissed. But sure there would be tears now as well.

"So go ahead."

I breathed in deeply. "It's really not that easy."

"Waiting is not easy as well, just say it, and end my misery."

"It's not that simple as well, I can tell you are expecting the worst."

"In a way. I know it's bad."

"I have a confession to make. About Ness."

"You slept with her."

"No."

She looked relieved, but I continued "Worse."

"Worse than sleeping with her?"

"I think so yes. I love her…"

She was trembling but keeping a strong appearance, and then she stuttered "love her?"

"Yes. _And_ I love you."

"And you love me…" she repeated slowly while letting the words sink in.

"Yes."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I just had to be honest with you. I kissed her."

She was now not just trembling, more shaking. I was worried and reached out for her but she held her hand up to me. No touching. She closed her eyes.

"Have you made a decision? Is that why you called me over?" she had a hard time speaking the words.

"No. I told you. I just want to be honest with you."

"Are you going to stop seeing her?"

"I can't…" She opened her eyes again and looked at me.

"Because of her needing you? Or because you're in love?"

"Both..." I whispered.

Her breathing became more heavy. She was struggling. Trying not to break down. I wanted to hold her so bad. I was hurting my lovely wife.

"I'm sorry Eve…"

"If you see her again, if she kisses you again, will you be able to say no?"

"Probably not…"

"Then I know what this means."

"No Eve, I haven't decided anything."

"I'll decide for the both of us. If you can't stay away from her, it's over." She had said it softly, but her words cut right through me.

"Don't do this Eve. I have chosen you. I just need some time to get this over with. I have told her as well that I choose you."

"You really haven't chosen Jacob. All of you is screaming for her."

I didn't know what to say. She was right. I was internally screaming for her. For my Nessie.

"But how about us? You know I love you…"

"I know. But I'm not your number one anymore. Be honest with both of us."

The first tear escaped my eyes. Hers were still dry. How could she stay so cool?

"Love doesn't work with rankings."

"You love us differently. I'm the wife who has cherished you for four years, she is a new girl that you used to know and that has a crush on you. One shouldn't compare, I agree." She said a little sarcastically.

"Eve, it's really not like that, I've known her all her life, twenty three years, and for the most part of her life I did love her."

"What? You never told me. Then where was she these last four years?"

"I ran from her. Because she didn't love me back. Back then."

"And now she found you and fought her way back in. To keep you around again."

"She's changed. She loves me now."

"She's young Jacob. And wild. All about experimenting. Seducing a married man that used to love her. You are taking a huge risk."

"I'm not taking any risk. I don't know what to do."

"Yes you do. Either you don't see her anymore, especially after what I just heard, or I end it."

"Please Eve…" more tears were running over my face.

"In a way I should be glad. I haven't been completely honest with you as well."

"What?"

"I haven't kissed anyone. But I have been having second thoughts. And thinking about Alec more and more." She looked down at her hands.

"You want to be with him?"

"I think I might."

"Were you just waiting for me to let you of the hook?"

Now she was breaking my heart. Here I was, feeling crushed because I had to hurt her, and instead she broke up with me and told me she was glad about it. I wanted to choose her, my marriage.

"I wanted to keep trying as long as you were trying. I didn't want to be the one to give up."

"I'm not giving up, Eve."

"You should. I don't want you staying with me because I am the comfortable choice."

"That's not the reason. I love you."

"I know that, Jacob. But you love her more. It's only fear that's stopping you from being with her. Not your love for me."

She reached out for me now, wiped away my tears and laid her head against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and held her close.

Was she right? Was I just afraid to take a chance with Ness? Did I use Eve as an excuse to make the easy choice? The comfortable one. Security.

That sounds like me. When it comes to love, no bravery to be expected. I ran before, to New York, and now I ran again, into the safe arms of my wife. The first choice had brought me good things, but it had been the wrong one. What would it be now?

I breathed in the scent of her hair, and lowered my head to kiss her. She turned her head away from me and said softly:

"Let's not cheat anymore on the ones we love most. The ones who love us back just as much, and who are waiting for us."

"I don't want this to be the end," I answered, pulling her close again.

"Then let it be the beginning of something different. Let's be friends in this new life. As for the new love, let's for once be fearless."


	40. Chapter 38 Truth

**Chapter thirty eight: Truth**

**NPOV**

**November 13, Tuesday**

On Thursday Jake didn't come over. It had felt like a goodbye kiss, so I wasn't surprised.

No, not surprised, but heartbroken anyway.

When Tina came home from her "piano lesson" she found me on the ground in the kitchen, just staring at the ceiling. It scared her big time. She picked me up and slept in my bed again.

We both took Friday off and she didn't leave my side, the entire weekend. I felt like I was looking in on the Cullens from somewhere else, as if I didn't belong. As if Tina was the one belonging there and taking me home with her, to her family.

From this peaceful place I had created for myself, I noticed things.

The relationship between Rose, Emmett and Tina had changed. They were no longer in the sexy teasing stage. They sought each others company, all the time. And since Tina never left me, I got to witness them the entire weekend. Both Emmett and Rose seemed to depend on Tina in a way. It was strange, they were always so strong and so tuned in on the other, and now both of them followed my friend.

I wasn't jealous. I don't know what would happen. They would have time to figure it out I think, as Tina was more and more sure she wanted to become a vampire. Even more than I was.

On Saturday evening we were lazing in the couch, the four of us, the rest was off hunting, when Emmett wanted to play truth or dare. I was way too tired, and demonstrated that by pretending to fall asleep. They let me sleep and played anyway, only truth, Tina didn't want to play dare, she knew she was on thin ice here. I thought that Emmett would mind, being the dare kind of guy, but he didn't protest, maybe they were just dying to ask her some questions.

At first they were innocent, curious and sometimes jokingly, about how she found out she was bisexual, who was the first girl she ever kissed, and what it was like. Rose and Emmett had to answer questions about how everything, including sex, was different for humans and for vampires, and about hypothetical situations like "If you had to sleep with a teacher from Forks High, who would you choose?"

After a while the atmosphere became more intimate. I felt like an eavesdropper a bit, but I was really sleepy and trying not to pay attention.

"Emmet," Tina asked "if you had to have sex with a man, any man, who would you choose?"

"What? I'm not answering that."

"Oh come on, honey, you know who, we have fantasized about him."

"Rosalie!"

"You have to tell the truth Emmett, I told you all my secrets as well."

"This question is worse than mine."

"That's your fault, you asked them. Now answer."

"Alright. I would choose that Indian from Brazil. Paolo."

"You fantasized about him?"

"That's another question. Now it's my turn. When you have sex with Anna, what _exactly_ do you do? I mean, some parts are missing, right? Important parts."

"Or so you like to think," Tina teased. "We can work miracles with our mouths, sugar."

"So you eat each other till you come. And that's it? You never miss it?"

"That's a different question as well. But… sure. Sometimes. I miss feeling a man inside. If that's what you meant."

"That's what I meant, yeah."

They were silent for a while. But I could almost feel the tension in the air.

"My turn. Rose, have you ever fantasized about a girl?"

"Um. Yes."

"Who?"

"Yeah, come on honey," Emmett imitated her mockingly, "you have to tell the truth. Tell her, baby."

"You" she whispered.

Rose had fantasies about my Tina. Even if I was awake I would not be surprised. That scene during the movie the other day was still in my memory. Tina wasn't surprised either I think.

"Is your heart beating so hard because you like that?" Emmett asked obviously hopeful. He is always obvious in everything.

"Maybe."

Another silence. I wanted to see the looks on their faces for they were speaking through eye contact now, but I didn't want to give myself away.

"My turn," Rose said. "You slept with my Emmett." Tina gasped. "No it's okay, it is now I mean, just… tell me what he was like. Compared to human boys."

"Um. You sure you want to hear this?"

"I do," Emmett said.

"Yes."

"But you know what he's like."

"I can't compare, the human memories were not worthy of keeping."

"He's pretty damn amazing. Human boys can't compete with your Emmett, Rose."

"Really?" Emmett sounded pleased.

"Oh please, as if you didn't know. You stud." Tina tried to lighten the mood.

"If I told you it was okay, would you do it again?"

"I don't know, Rose. It was wrong."

"What if I wanted to be watching?"

"Hey Rose, are you using my body to get into her pants?"

"Shut up, Emm."

"Never mind. Go on, I like it. By the way, is this hypothetical?"

"Hush."

"Um. Hypothetically, if I knew I wouldn't hurt anybody, I would do it again, yeah."

"Woot!"

They ignored him.

"And Anna?"

"She wouldn't know. Besides, we're not together. Not anymore. I told her we are just a physical thing now. She is way too jealous of Ness."

"Would it hurt Ness if you did it?"

Would it hurt me? No. It wouldn't. I was jealous of Anna, but not of Emm and Rose. I couldn't tell them though, I would give myself away. I was totally awake and eavesdropping now.

"I don't think so. But this was all hypothetical, right? Rose?"

"I don't know. I have fantasized about it. About both of you together. And maybe the three of us…"

"You can't drive me crazy like that, babe. I know you're really not up for experiments."

"Maybe now I am. I don't know. Would it do any harm? You both want it, so…"

"Let me get this clear, you want to watch me and Emmett have sex?"

I could tell that Tina was confused. But I knew she had a thing for both of them, and she was all for experimenting, so she must be mostly excited.

"Would you like me watching you both, honey?"

"Hell yeah. I would like you joining!"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Tina, what do you think? You don't seem eager."

"Well, to be honest, I've been fantasizing about this too, so if you are sure, I'm game."

"Damn, I like this girl!!!"

"Shhhh. You'll wake Nessie."

"Edward is back."

"Pure thought, pure thoughts."

"Hmmmm angry bear blood!"

Both girls laughed at Emmett's eternal mind clouding method. This was a safe moment for me to 'wake up'.

The next day, Tina was very anxious, the truth game had ended with a silent agreement between the three of them, without any actual plans, and I could feel that she wanted to tell me about it, but couldn't, now all vampires were back.

On the way home she repeated the conversation and I pretended to be shocked. Not much though, I had seen this coming in a way. Just not that it would be Rose proposing it.

I was doing better after the weekend. I hadn't lost Jake, because I never had him. Only lost some hope I never should have gotten.

It was strange not hearing from him for almost a week, after a long period of close contact. I remembered times in Forks where he did the same thing. Back then he had actually needed me. He had the tendency to lock himself up when in pain, never to call on anybody, not even me.

I started to worry about him, and decided that, if he really didn't want to see me anymore, he had to tell me to my face. I could handle it. I think.

So on Tuesday I went over there, just like any other Tuesday. He had told me he had chosen Eve, so I had figured she would move back in with him.

He wasn't home. Maybe they were at her place. I drove to the garage and saw still some lights on. I found him working, that was not so surprising. What did shock me was the terrible state he was in. He looked like he hadn't eaten or slept in days.

"Hey Jake."

"Nessie!" he looked too far gone to actually come up with a proper reaction. He continued working on the car he was leaned over.

"Come home with me. I'll make you some diner." I tried to sound firm, so that he wouldn't protest.

He put his stuff down and answered "diner would be nice." And looked at me thankfully.

I drove him home, and Tina offered to prepare diner so I could stay with him. We talked a bit about nothing important, he didn't want to say anything about Eve. I guess things hadn't worked out yet. Maybe he had told her about our kiss.

He ate enormous amounts, while Tina kept looking more and more worried. I knew his stomach could handle it though. And after that I brought him home and told him to go to sleep, immediately.

I stayed around till I was sure he slept. It was a bit weird, this man broke my heart and was so devastated about it that I had to take care of him. But it felt nice, doing that for somebody. Especially him. I still loved him of course.

And he was thankful. I could tell.

* * *

**AN: So he hasn't told her yet. Making old mistakes again...**


	41. Chapter 39 Waiting

**Chapter thirty nine: Waiting**

**JPOV**

**November 15, Friday**

What I should have done after Eve left that evening was drive up to Ness her place, walk in, pick her up and never let her go again. Ever.

Why didn't I?

Why did I just dive back into work, like I always had when things were bad? I could be hers forever, why was that bad?

I think I just needed some time getting over Eve. I had truly believed in my marriage, even though I had been unfaithful with Leah. And I had lost it. I would do nobody a favor if I quickly got into a new relationship.

I was fooling myself, though. There was something holding me back. Maybe it was fear, like Eve had said. Maybe this crush on Ness wasn't the real thing. Kissing her felt real though.

I avoided her because I didn't want to start kissing again, or more, without being absolutely sure.

But on Tuesday she had found me, and taken care of me, and I felt guilty for leaving her in the dark. She was hurt over losing me, and I could make her better. Why didn't I?

On Thursday she was going to see a play with Tina, Emmett and Rose.

On Friday there would be movie night at the Cullens. I wasn't ready for that. But I was ready to see her.

So I called her and asked her when we could meet. She immediately proposed to skip movie night and asked me to come over to her apartment. She must think I was still in the same state as I had been on Tuesday. In some ways I was. She was happy that I finally called on her. Admitted that I needed her.

Tina would go anyway. I drove to her place and when she let me in, things felt a bit weird between us.

We never mentioned the kiss, or Eve, but we did manage to relax, ordering pizza and playing some play station games.

It was getting really late, but I was reluctant to go home. Everything feels better when she is around. The dark thoughts and doubts seem to melt.

After our last game she took the remote and turned off the TV.

"I don't want to go home again, Ness."

She looked at me, understanding. She thought I didn't want to be alone. That was not it, I have absolutely no problem with being alone, unlike her.

"You can stay here. I'll sleep on the couch. We'll have breakfast together tomorrow if you want."

When telling me this, she did look a little hurt. Maybe she remembered how she used to stay over at my place for an entire week in LaPush. That had been a beautiful week, we were both young, playful, dreaming about ideals in life. Things were so different now.

Her company however still had the same effect on me. It made me feel like she was my home.

"I'd rather sleep with you. Hold you tonight," I admitted softly.

Now she looked even more hurt.

Was I using her? Maybe I should tell her that I love her. That I am thinking about our future.

But I couldn't. Not until I was sure. I wouldn't give her false hope again.

Perhaps I just needed to be single for a while. But I still wanted to hold her tonight. It didn't make sense. But she complied anyway.

We got under the covers, her wearing pajamas and me in my boxers and she lay close to me, nestling herself in my arms, against my chest. She felt like my little girl again. The smell of her hair was still the same it had been while she was growing up. I could still see her sitting on that sofa in Forks telling me all about poetry.

My arms were wrapped around her, one hand in her neck again. That soft skin beneath her wavy hair reminded me of how fragile she was, this loving human girl.

I thought about how I had imagined us together for eighteen years. That image, that fantasy, I would never have. I had wanted it to be perfect, wanted to be her first. Her one and true love.

Now I was a divorced man, almost, who had hurt her many times. And she was a changed person because of that, no longer innocent.

In other ways, she was still my innocent girl, she could still give herself completely, like she was doing now. She still believed that she deserved to have it all. Otherwise she would be with Tina now. But she wasn't going for second best.

I wasn't going for seconds best either, I knew that I loved her more now than I have ever loved Eve.

"I'm scared Ness," I whispered.

"Of what?"

"Of losing." Losing you… "of giving in completely."

"I don't understand."

"Me neither."

That night I dreamed about my parents, my family. I don't know if it was some old forgotten memory, or something that hadn't really happened. It was more an image, some sort of scene.

I was sitting on the grass, next to a small inflatable swimming pool eating an ice cream. I must have been very young, like maybe two or three years old. I was messing up my clothes with the chocolate cream. It must have been summer, it was really really warm. My two sisters were playing in the pool, screaming and giggling. I could hear the radio from our porch play some stupid summer song. It wasn't the house were I grew up in, we lived in another house in LaPush before that. We had a dog as well. Blacky. He was running around in the yard, wanting to play along with Rach and Becca.

Mom sat in a chair, enjoying the sun in a bikini, next to a small table with two glasses of wine. Dad had been working in the backyard and was now resting in another chair next to her.

They seemed happy. Looking at us. And I was this kid, overseeing it all.

And I realized then – in my dream – if they had known that mom would be gone in a couple more years, they would have been doing the exact same thing as they were doing that moment.

That simple moment in life.

Just stopping for a second, and being happy. Simply happy.

And when I woke up, it hit me.

Life's too short.

What am I waiting for?

* * *

**AN: Sorry about the cliffhanger... What do you think will happen next? I'll dedicate the next chapter to the one who guesses best, so give it your best shot :)**


	42. Chapter 40 Mine

**Chapter forty: Mine**

**NPOV**

**November 16, Saturday**

While holding him like that, I didn't want to go to sleep. I didn't know why he wanted to stay with me tonight, it felt like another goodbye. I couldn't say no.

I fell asleep anyway. His wolf warm skin and familiar scent have always been like a lullaby for me. I have fallen asleep against his chest countless times before. Whenever that happened in the past, he picked me up and put me to bed. Tenderly.

Now he held me. Tenderly as well.

My love for him was oozing from me. He must have felt it, because he sighed and held me closer still. I knew he loved me, even if he could never admit it. His embrace told me enough. And his beating heart that sped up when I whispered, with no intention of being heard "I love you."

When I woke up in the morning to realize I had fallen asleep and had wasted the last time that I could be this close to him, something inside me broke.

I had kept strong for him, because he was hurting as well. But now he was asleep and he could not see me. I watched his beautiful face and I cried. I let the tears stream. Some still of regrets that I had been too late. The life we could have had together. If only…

I buried my teary face against his chest, mad at myself that the crying prevented my nose now from smelling him one last time.

I felt him waking up. He held me tighter than ever.

And then, before I realized what he did, his lips were on mine.

I gave in.

He kissed me, more lovingly than I had ever been kissed. Much more than our last kiss. Which had been pretty good as well. But this was a kiss without hesitation or carefulness.

Where did this come from?

At last I broke contact and managed to ask "Wait. How about Eve?"

"This has nothing to do with Eve. We are over. This is you and me. I'm yours, Nessie. If you'll still have me…"

He kissed me again.

He was mine. I could feel it.

And I gave in again. Our tongues roamed over one another, and I tried to get closer still.

He broke away, slightly panting, and whispering "I love you, I love you, I love you…"

I looked into his eyes, they were watery, and scared. But he looked back at me with so much love I almost choked.

"I love you too, Jake. Please don't ever let me go again," I whispered.

"I won't. I promise. I won't. Ever…"

His tears escaped as well, and we were kissing again. Not as if it would be the last, but as if it would be the first.

My world has turned upside down.

"Are you real Jake? Are you for real?"

"I'm real Nessie." His stomach growled and I laughed out loud. This was definitely real, my dream wouldn't make that up.

I wanted to get up, to fix some breakfast, but he held me down.

"Don't go yet. Stay."

He kissed me again, all over my face, my hands, my arms, my face again. He had been holding back, but not anymore obviously. He was letting it all out, and I was taking it all in.

My wolf was mine now.

"What have you been waiting for?" I asked, shaking my head, but smiling.

"I don't know. I really don't know. How stupid. I was so scared of losing you, that all I have been doing was losing you."

"I'm not going anywhere, Jake. No matter what."

"I know. God I love you."

His stomach growled again.

"Let's eat. Come with me." I walked towards the kitchen.

He got up from the bed, and his smile… He was my sunshine again.

I smiled back at him, full power, and he rushed over to me and lifted me up and twirled me around. I laughed out loud.

"My girl."

"My wolf."

He kissed me all over again. I can't believe we haven't been doing this for years now.

Things could have gone the other way around as well. If he hadn't lost the baby, he would have been a dad by now. I shouldn't think about that, no more if's. Just here and now, just us.

He stood behind me while I made us some breakfast, his arms around my stomach, kissing my neck.

He was distracting me thoroughly, I almost ruined our omelets. The tightening and flipping of my stomach was almost too much to bear, but I would not let go of him. If my heart would give up now, I would die the happiest girl on earth.

When the food was ready, he pulled me onto his lap on a chair and we both ate our eggs from the pan, all the while hugging each other.

I loved how affectionate he was. He always used to be like this. Hugging, smiling, cuddling. But that was before. After I found him again, he was holding back. Maybe because he was married. Or because he knew I loved him.

He kept kissing my face whenever and wherever he could, I think he needed to reassure himself that I was real as well.

"I'm not the same I used to be, Ness. I think I might be a bit damaged. But that's your problem now. I'm yours."

"I think you are exactly how you used to be Jake. You're my sunshine, my everything."

I turned around in his lap so I was facing him and we kissed again. Passionately.

"Let's get back to bed," I said. It was a Saturday, we could stay in bed kissing and cuddling for the rest of the weekend. But he hesitated.

"What's wrong?"

He seemed like he might deny, but I looked him in the eyes and he admitted "You said last time that sex with a human was worthless, after Jasper…"

"Oh Jake," I hugged him, how adorable. "I wasn't talking about sex right now, and you're not entirely human, are you? And right now I can hardly remember my own name, but I do remember that you had sex with another wolf for like sixty years, and I'm just a human, so I could say the same."

He laughed out loud "fifteen years Ness".

"Is that all? Right, then my two months with Jazz are way more significant," I joked back.

"I'm sorry, I know I'm being silly." He hid his face in my hair.

"No you're not. We'll take it slow, I'm happy just holding you for years now, until we go further. But if you need some reassurance, we did have sex before, in Brazil, and it was kind of perfect. The consequences were disastrous, but that night was wonderful."

"I thought so too."

He pulled me close against him, wrapping my legs around his waist, and lifted me up, carrying me to the bed. All the while kissing me. I could never get enough of his kisses.

We got under the covers again, and we kissed until we were hungry again. Our touches had gotten more heated up, and although I had known him all my life, and even though we had slept together before, I didn't want to be that girl that has sex with her boyfriend on day one.

So I came up with an idea. "Want to go tell the Cullens the good news?"

"Wow, meet the parents. Are we that stage yet?"

"You up for it?"

"Sure sure."

* * *

**AN: Several readers guessed it almost right, and I'm sure you were all hoping this, so I dedicate this chapter to all Jake+Nessie fans. And you better be smiling now! :-)**


	43. Chapter 41 Home

**Chapter forty one: Home**

**JPOV**

**November 16, Saturday**

In the car to the mountains I held her hand the entire time. I kept casting sideway glances at her. Every time she was watching me as well, and she smiled sweetly whenever our eyes met.

Halfway there I had to pull over, to pull her over. We kissed again, deeply, before I could continue. We were totally giddy, crazy almost. About each other. It is so strange to realize we could have been doing this for like eight years now. How did we manage to stay away from one another?

We didn't really. But still. We have only been together for like a few hours, and already I dreaded the moment where we would each go to our own homes again. I didn't want that.

I knew I would have to tell Eve and Leah, but I wasn't worried about that right now. I felt ten years younger again. Crazy for this girl.

When we arrived, I kissed her again before we got out of the car. I clearly had not been hiding my thoughts, as Edward appeared in the doorway. We both grinned sheepishly when we walked over to him, holding hands.

"Dad, meet my boyfriend, Jacob Black. Jake, this is my dad." She grinned.

I could see the sparkle in her eyes, and so could Edward, he flashed us a dazzling smile.

And then answered, grinning crookedly "Welcome son. Took you long enough."

"I think I'm going to hear that one for a long time as well."

"Oh well, I'm sure it's worth it."

"You bet," I answered and pulled Ness close to me again. We were all over each other, until Edward coughed.

Our kisses had not gone unnoticed. All vampires were on the porch now. All happy faces.

"I think the in-laws approve, Nessie."

At this I was lifted off the ground, stuck in a bear hug from Emmett. "Way to go brother!" he bellowed. Alice and Tina were hugging and congratulating Ness. The rest was just staring at us, a bit surprised. Carlisle looked at me questioningly, until Edward answered his mind "He's getting divorced, Eve knows."

At the front door, behind the busy crowd, Jasper stood. He smiled widely at the scene before him. If he could feel only a tenth of my feelings…

"He does," Edward said, "and hers as well. And ours. He's going to need an ambulance any minute now." They both grinned at each other. Brothers in gifts.

"Well, come in," Esme called, "the humans are getting cold."

"Not me," Ness smirked, "a toasty 108.9 degrees over here."

"I am," Tina answered and in an instance Rose was with her, offering her a blanket.

Rose had found a new victim to play mother hen with. And I never imagined Tina to be the type that would appreciate that kind of behavior, but she smiled at Rose sweetly and accepted it. What was going on there? "You don't want to know" Edward said.

"I do," Ness said, and she took out her cell, to text Tina.

"No need to be all secretive sis," Alice said "we all heard them last night. The _three_ of them." And she looked at them pointedly, but all they could manage was grin at her remark. Shamelessly.

Ness typed her message anyway, and Tina just answered by shrugging.

We spent the entire afternoon like joined twins, in the happy company of her family, and by nightfall we decided to return to the city, instead of staying there. We ignored their comments and got into our car, holding hands again.

We picked up some diner on the way back, and fed it to each other in the car.

When we got back to her place, we went straight for the bed. There she told me she didn't want to have sex on day one. Although I was a bit insecure because of her vampire experience, I wanted her like crazy.

But I have waited for so long now, if day one or day two made a difference for her, I could wait another night.

Nevertheless, I couldn't keep my hands to myself. Our kissing had subsided a bit, our lips were sore and we were happy now just looking into each others eyes and talking about the butterflies that kept ravaging our insides. All the while I caressed her, wherever I could reach, her face, her hair, her arms, breasts…

I got extremely turned on, but it wasn't unbearable. She would still be there tomorrow. This was not our last chance.

During one of our kisses, however, I lay halfway on top of her and her hands were all over me now. The kiss broke as I was panting too much. We lay cheek to cheek, and she was now panting as well. Her hips were grinding and bucking against me. Driving me even more crazy. I was trembling on top of her.

"Is it past midnight yet?" she asked breathlessly.

"Does it really matter that much, Ness?"

"No," she answered and squirmed from under me to quickly pull off her clothes and toss them to the side.

The sight of her hit me full force. I had never seen her like this. She wasn't ashamed at all, she trusted me completely, and since I was motionless, she came over to me and tried to get some of my help to remove my boxers as well.

She lay down again, under the covers, and pulled me on top of her again, for another kiss. Her hands were now pulling my body closer to hers, leaving no doubt to what she wanted from me. We whispered 'I love you's and 'forever's when our bodies became one. It felt like coming home to me.

It sounds so lame, but I really had the feeling I had found the missing piece of my puzzle. Piece of me.

I moved slowly, I didn't want it to end. I turned on my back, pulling her with me, and I sat up, so she was straddling me. This way my movements were limited and she was in control.

I looked at her adoringly, her beautiful body riding me. She took her time as well, kissing me and whispering sweet things, telling me how it felt like coming home for her as well. I never was one to talk during sex, but every sound that came from her mouth made my heart swell even more. As if that was even possible in this intimate moment.

After a while the only sound that was left were moans, from the both of us. I pulled her lower back closer to me, burying myself deeper inside her, and she rolled her hips, causing her wet body to slide against mine. We weren't kissing now, we were looking deeply in each other's eyes. The intensity of this moment, and what it meant for the rest of our lives, made our cheeks wet with tears, while our bodies kept moving.

When she came, it was the most sensual thing I had ever seen, she threw her head back in her neck, eyes closed and sighed my name as she shivered from head to toe.

After she laid to rest in my arms, I wanted more of that, wanted to make her come again, but she had different plans. She put her weight on her knees and started moving her hips, back and forth, so that I was sliding in and out of her. Fast. And deep.

When I came, I grabbed her hips, holding her still, convulsing inside of her. I fell back on the bed, pulling her with me and we lay like that for a long time.

The rest of the night and the following day was spent in pure bliss.

We slept little bits, but not much, we collected some candies and biscuits from the cupboards to eat in the bed, not wanting to leave it, and me made love, over and over again, until we were both so sore we had to laugh at each others pained faces.

We kept repeating how much we loved each other and trying to describe the feelings we had never felt before. And everything we said was answered with "me too"…

* * *

**AN: The in-laws approve! And I think you do too ;-)**


	44. Chapter 42 Save the Best

**Chapter forty two: Save the Best**

**NPOV**

**November 17, Sunday**

"It's hard to believe we lost all these years."

"Don't regret, my girl, this is so much more beautiful without the imprint."

"True. This comes from both our hearts."

We were tangled up, all naked limbs and sheets, mesmerizing, when my cell phone buzzed. The real world was still out there somewhere.

It was a text from Tina "Get dressed you people, I'm almost home". We laughed and started collecting our clothes.

When she came in, we were decent, sitting on the sofa, watching TV. She laughed out loud, she was so on to us.

"Alright lover boy, why don't you give this poor girl some rest. Tomorrow's another day. And have some rest yourself, jeez. Besides, I need to talk to her."

We said our goodbyes, that lasted like half an hour, until Tina was getting extremely impatient, and we promised to see each other again tomorrow after work.

When the door was closed, Tina rushed to me and pulled me to sit on the couch next to her.

"You can tell everything later, first me! You'll never guess what happened last night."

"You're in love," I stated. This was not about sex, I could see that clearly. She felt the same way I did. She was in love, for sure.

"I am?"

"Definitely."

"Yeah, I guess so. That's right. I'm in love." Her face lit up even more. "I want to change Ness. I want to be with them."

"Both of them?"

"Yes. And I think they love me too."

"This could get really complicated."

"I know. Crazy right? If you would've told me a year ago I would fall in love with a couple of vampires, I would say you were crazy."

"You always said I was crazy."

"Yeah! And you! You found your Jake back and now you have him. Would you have believed that?"

"No." I smiled and hugged her.

She couldn't sit still though. She put on some music and started jumping around the apartment.

"Tina, I thought you had wild nights, how can you not be sore after sleeping with two vampires."

"Oh Ness, they were so sweet. And I haven't been having sex the entire Sunday as well, unlike some."

I laughed.

I watched her jumping around the place, while my computer was starting up.

I logged in on my Twitter and added:

_For my wolf… _

_**Save The Best For Last **__  
Sometimes the snow comes down in June  
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon  
I see the passion in your eyes  
Sometimes it's all a big surprise  
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish  
You'd tell me this was love  
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for  
Is the one thing you can't see _

_And now we're standing face to face  
Isn't this world a crazy place  
Just when I thought our chance had passed  
You go and save the best for last…_


	45. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

**JPOV**

**May 2030**

We are together for six months now. And I can honestly say that I am now more in love than ever. And so is she. I hope this feeling never goes away, but even if it does, being able to share my life with her would still make me almost painfully happy.

As soon as the divorce with Eve was finished, Ness moved in with me, and we spent every free minute of the day, and night, close to each other. Always holding, hugging or kissing. We drive everybody crazy, ourselves not in the least, but we need to make up for lost time. I need her close every second.

She and Tina talk daily, and see each other in the weekends, so they are still close enough, I don't have to feel guilty for stealing her away. Tina moved into the cabin near the mountain house. The vampires rebuilt it a bit, so it contains all a human needs, kitchen, bathroom, plumbing, heating… Ness and Tina still miss each other of course, but both are kept busy enough by their new partners.

I make sure my girl is loved day and night and therefore never sad, and I am sure Rose and Emmett are doing the same for Tina. They are sort of a threesome now. I thought it would be too complicated to last, but they are going strong for six months now, proving me wrong.

Carlisle has agreed to change Tina in a year, if she still wants to. They believe she won't, she changes her mind a million times a day, about everything. But I don't think she will about this, she wants to be a vampire. Very much.

Nessie doesn't. Not anymore.

We talked about this for weeks in a row, and she was more and more sure she wanted to grow old with me. We could have eternity forever, but why be greedy if we are as happy as can be right now? I am sure, if meant to be, that we will find each other in our next life as well.

Some vampires are happy about her choice, like Edward obviously, some are sad because it means that they will outlive her. But they have accepted it.

Eve is also doing well. She's living with Alec now. I got to keep the house, since it's located near my garage. She is finally getting over the loss of baby Sarah, and our marriage.

Strangely enough, we are better at healing each other, now we are not together anymore. Back then, we were pushing the other away, now we are close friends. Just like me and Leah. The clan has fallen apart a little, since there are two new couples that want to spend as much time as possible in private. But we know we can still count on each other, and all of them have truly welcomed Nessie. They love her, how could they not?

In the mean time, Seth and Damian got engaged, so we have a huge party coming up.

Me and Ness won't get married though. We talked about it. I experienced it once, and I don't want a repeat. I know I have gotten a second chance with her, and a second wedding could symbolize that, but I never want to compare what I have with Nessie with what I had with Eve, although that was beautiful as well. The years me and Ness have shared together before and the way we found each other again, make for a connection that is unparallelled.

And I'm not scared anymore.

Ever since that night, where I dreamed of my parents, I dive in, headfirst. Well actually, I let her drag me, headfirst. And it's been heaven.

I've got a lot to lose right now, but even if I ever should lose, I will know I've enjoyed every single step of the way, lived life to the fullest.

These past six months, nobody will ever take away from me again. And I plan to live my future the same way. Ness will make sure I never hold back.

We dream about going back to Forks, where we have so many memories together. Once there was a time we wanted to leave Forks because of those memories, now we want them back. The vampires still own the house, and they are willing to return as well, some day. We could reconnect with old friends in LaPush too.

But it's still a dream, a far away dream. Right now, we both have our jobs, and the people we love are nearby.

And honestly, even if we had none of that, and if we would be alone in a deserted world, then I still think me and my Nessie would be happy, just to have each other.

I have learned.

And I am fearless...

* * *

Dear readers,

I want to thank you all for reading and feeling along with Jake and Nessie.  
Extra special thanks to the reviewers, who opened my mind and made me realize things I hadn't thought of before.

I hit "**complete**" here, because the actual story is finished. But in the next days I will post four more chapters.  
These are outtakes from different moments during Fearless with a different point of view.  
* Jasper POV: the day Nessie falls and scratches her arm, ending in one very hot phone call  
* Edward POV: the day Jake brings Eve, and Nessie and Jasper try to hide their feelings  
* Emmett POV: the day Emmett takes Tina to watch the sunset, which they didn't see after all  
* Rose POV: the night Tina fell in love with both vampires

And for all of you who think the story shouldn't end now they finally found their happiness: there's a third part coming up so don't leave me yet! :-)


	46. OT Jasper

**AN: This is an outtake written from Jasper's point of view. It takes place at chapter 10 Balance, long before him and Nessie had their affair. You might want to read that chapter again first, so you see both sides of the events. ****

* * *

**

**Jasper POV**

I was walking through the woods with Nessie, as we did many times before. She confided in me her deepest feelings and thoughts, concerning Jacob, and I knew that her poor heart would be broken again soon. I also knew that there was no stopping her, but I tried nonetheless.

I mustn't let her see my jealousy. It is not the reason why I want her to keep away from him. In fact, I always wanted to keep her away from him, even though that would be mission impossible. I didn't try to. But I wanted to.

From the day she was born, I loved her. Not the way I love Alice, obviously, but I loved her. I never imagined myself to be the fatherly type.

It turned out my feelings for her were not fatherly after all. Or brotherly. They were far from that.

The year that she would turn eighteen, where Jacob had pointed out to me that Nessie had a crush on me, was the year I realized I loved her more than I should. Way more.

It was hard for me to watch her love Josh, and love Jake even more, even though she didn't know that. It was even harder for me to watch her being left behind, broken hearted. If I could have found Jake, back then, I would have happily drained him, dog taste or not. Ripped him to pieces.

She says he was right to run, that he loved her but couldn't have her. I am in that same position, and I won't run, so I feel I have the right to judge his choice. Although maybe having Alice does change my situation.

I'm not a forgiving type, although my surrounders forgive my many mistakes. I don't forgive myself easily as well.

Now Nessie was doing better, the hostility towards Jake had faded, but still, if it were up to me, he wouldn't get a second chance to break her. I had sworn a long time ago, that nobody would harm my Nessie.

I knew I couldn't have her. Me and Alice were made for each other, and vampires mate for life, with only one significant other, not two. That is my fate.

Sometimes I wish things were differently, that I could have them both. I love them both, always will. But I accepted my destiny.

Alice knows me, and loves me, forever as well. There's just one side of me that only Nessie knows. And that only she possesses. But my true feelings for her, I kept hidden. Luckily I was the empath here. And luckily I can cloud my mind masterfully. Although Edward must wonder why I need to cloud it all the time.

I couldn't make her mine. But I promised myself never to leave her side, to protect her from all possible hurt. Only to realize that I was such a possible threat to her.

Whenever that conclusion dawned on me, that I might be in a state to harm her, physically or emotionally, I made sure to stay away. While letting her know that I am still her friend. She believed that, whenever we were taking distance like that, we were forgetting about those feelings again, pushing them away. Controlling them.

I wasn't doing that. Vampire's feelings don't go away. They just stay.

It's only my behavior that I'm trying to control. I succeed, mostly. Just not all the time. Not when her feelings make everything so much stronger.

While these contemplations were running through my mind, during her reminiscence about Jacob, she tripped and fell to the forest ground.

I reached for her shoulder, but was too late, and she had scratched herself. I smelled the blood before she could feel that she cut herself. And I lost control.

Not entirely, I would have bitten her. But enough. Inexcusably.

Two drops of blood escaped through the cut and I licked them up, feeling the sudden thirst sear in my throat. She was terrified, as she should be. I was dangerous right now. Dangerously close to sinking my teeth in her flesh.

She relaxed while she looked into my eyes. That was strange, because the look in them must not be something reassuring.

Desire flooded through her, I could feel it, smell it, almost taste it.

Some blood was seeping out of the wound again and I silently begged her to let me have it. She wanted me to, told me so, and my lips were on her arm again. As I lapped up the few delicious drops, I was careful not to make any contact with my teeth. My instincts would take over then.

How I had missed the taste of human blood, and now I was tasting her. The most enticing human on the planet. Her blood with a taste of desire, affecting me very much.

My erection was throbbing, and so was my throat, both hungry for more.

And she offered me more. I think she would have offered her entire existence for me, right now, all of her blood and all of her body. Here for me to take. My Nessie. Mine.

As her hot blood reached my burning throat, I groaned in pleasure. I almost came on the spot.

Tasting a human has never been this erotic to me, but her emotions set me on fire. I didn't know what I wanted more, drain her or claim her, sexually. Right here.

I managed to release my mouth from her arm, without biting, and pulled her close to me. I didn't want her to look me in the eyes right now. Sure I would cave if I did, because of the passion I would see in hers.

The alternative I chose was not much better. She felt my erection and her desire rose even more. Her neck was dangerously close, the jugular beating furiously, pumping desire through her body. My lips were on her skin already. I was only a second away. From sinking my sharp teeth into her soft and warm artery, filling myself with her heavenly fluid.

It was her whispering my name that brought me back. To a world where one of the most important things was to keep Nessie safe. From hurt, from heartache, from everything I mean to her right now.

I ran. As I once had five years ago. I was overcome with shame and disgust, relief as well.

None of those feelings were able to erase the desire that she planted in me. I drained a deer and while drinking it I closed my eyes and imagined it was her blood, her heat filling me. It didn't help me with the desire. Quite the contrary.

When she called me I got into the cabin, scanning my surroundings for any presence. I was alone.

She sounded relaxed, not angry, not frightened.

"Did you get yourself off as well?" she asked softly. My cock was still throbbing, almost painfully.

She said 'as well'. So she has. She confirmed. And she sounded like she needed more. God, to be there with her and be able to give her more.

She wanted to hear me. Could I do that? Would she join me then? To hear her pleasuring herself.

I didn't answer her, but my hand was in my pants already. Softly caressing, imagining it was her hand. She wanted it to be her hand.

I sighed, trying to steady my emotions. I'm never that good at deciphering my own feelings, but this feeling was not hard to read. I wanted her like crazy, and I'll never be able to have her. Frustration. Sweet torture.

Right now though, in our imaginary world, I did have her.

I lay down on the bed, lowering my pants and I imagined her sitting on top of me. I could hear the soft buzzing of her toy through the phone and even though she tried to stay silent, her sighing breath drove me insane. Venom was dripping from my cock at every sound she made. I wetted the palm of my hand and slowly slid it over the head, and down my shaft, imagining Nessie, lowering herself over me.

I moaned and moved my hand a little faster up and down. She was affected by the sounds I made, and I was affected by her in turn. So somewhere in virtual space, we were making love to each other, influencing the other sexually. My movements were tuned in on hers, my hand rapidly sliding up and down my shaft, my thumb spreading the venom over the head.

I was close, waiting for her. My insides were turning as I imagined her on top of me, working her way to a second orgasm.

After she came, I let go too.

Whispering her name as the waves washed over me.

After this, my world was up side down again. She did that to me.

But she was able to just talk, relaxed, about Tina. How does she do that?

She felt sorry for confusing me. Oh honey, you're not confusing me. My feelings are here to stay. You're just making it very - very hard to control myself.

I told her I would miss her. That I wanted to be with her right now. Losing control.

"It'll go away again. It always does," she said.

I smiled at that.

If only she knew.

* * *

**AN: So this is Jasper's side, the way I saw it all through the story. Are you surprised or did you suspect him to have such strong everlasting feelings?**


	47. OT Edward

**AN: This is an outtake written from Edward's point of view. It takes place at chapter 18 Crazy, the day Jake, Eve and Seth visit the Cullens. You might want to read that chapter again first, to remember how this went. In case you don't want to, this is around the time Jasper and Nessie have confessed their feelings, but haven't kissed yet. Eve is still pregnant.**

* * *

**Edward POV**

Big family reunion today. I was curious to meet Jake again, and his wife. I could hear from Tina's thoughts that he had been treating Ness nicely, but I was still somewhat cautious. Why would he want to be a part of her life again now? Didn't he know that his dissapearing had ruined my daughter?

She was ready to forgive him easily, of course she was. She's always naïve like that. And obviously still loves him.

Not that he deserved any of her affection, after that stunt he pulled. Any of our affection actually. When he imprinted on my baby, we took him in as one of us, although the young wolf might be dangerous for us. We all loved him, and I must admit, he was good company, made us smile, cared for every single one of us. Even a little for Jasper and Rose. And then he was gone. No goodbye.

He hurt us as well.

He was sorry now, and wanted to see us again. But I will dig his mind to check for any hidden agenda with my daughter. The mess that she's in with Jasper is more than enough!

I quickly discarded those thoughts. Not thinking about that is the only way to keep me sane.

I could hear their car making the turn onto our driveway, and I immediately tuned in on his thoughts. It was easy, he was still very familiar.

_I deserve their anger, but I hope they will be nice to Eve at least. She's very emotional these days. Of course they will be nice. Carlisle will have told them to be. Ever gracious. God I missed them._

A non familiar whisper accompanied him, I focused on her.

_What a beautiful garden! I must not forget to ask them who their garden keeper is. These are some expensive flowers. And that house… _

Her thoughts were interrupted by another familiar 'voice'.

_Hey Edward! I know you can here me. Recognize me dude? I hope you don't mind me coming along. Missed you all big time. Jake wouldn't let me, you know? Hope you understand._

Seth. I smiled.

Once everybody was gathered in the living room, my head was filled with whispers. I can't understand any of it if I don't focus. It's just one big buzz.

I greeted them all politely and then engaged in a converstation with Seth. I tried to focus on him, ignoring my curiosity to dig into the minds of my other guests. He was an artist now and thrilled to tell me about it. After a while he started catching up with the rest, and I could start tuning in on all the thoughts. I was curious to hear my family's opinions as well.

I tried Jasper first, to check if he's affected by the new human blood in the house. It's been a long time since he had any trouble with human blood, but it's a habit I keep. As always, he keeps his habit of clouding his mind, and I can only see the book that he's holding. I know why he's clouding, but I quickly move on to the next.

Rose.

_Damn, that smell. It used to be worse, but still. How did we tolerate this for eighteen years in our house? And don't think I'm not on to you little one, trying to seduce my Emmett. Looking all cute and babbling with Alice about fashion. Actually_ not _seducing him for once. That's nice._

I tune in on Alice and Tina, they were only thinking about their conversation. So she's really not drooling over Emmett. Indeed, that is nice.

Fashion doesn't hold my interest, so I shift attention again.

Carefully tuning in on Emmett, ready to pull out right away. Never dive into Emmett's mind unprepared or you might end up getting traumatized.

He was talking to Jake, so I think I would be safe. His mind matched his thoughts, always does with Emmett, what you see is what you get.

"Jake buddy, if you hurt my little sis again I'll shred you to pieces. But I really hope you don't, 'coz I missed you bro. Come over some more. I've got some wicked new games."

_I won't hurt her again. At least I'll try to. I won't abandon her again. That I'm sure of._

"I missed you too Emm." They both hugged. I was pleased with Jake's thoughts.

In the mean time Eve and Esme were talking about the design of the mountain house. I tuned in on Eve's mind, curious as to what she thought about all of us.

_This lady is so sweet. I forgot her name. I'll ask Jacob later. Look at those eyes. Must be something genetic._

Suddenly she looked up, straight at me.

_That one is weird though. I get the feeling he's reading me, looking right into my soul._

She surprised me with this thought, I quickly averted my eyes, which was a wrong decision, obviously.

_See? He's totally busted. I swear he knows what I'm thinking._

I left the room, following Ness into the kitchen, answering her questions about Eve. She was glad.

After Jake abandoned her, she still cares so much about him, to wish him the sweetest wife. The sweetest he won't have, though, because that is Nessie. But Eve is lovely as well, true.

I got back in to the room, not really tuning in on anybody, just catching bits and pieces, little whispers.

_I hope the human act is convincing, some are a little too relaxed here, Emmett, move slower, Edward check up on any suspicion okay._

_Did you see that dress she wore on the Oscars? That was really not flattering._

_Look at her belly. Pregnancy really is a miracle. She's beautiful._

_I'll beat you at Mario Cart any time, puppy. Queers can't race._

_I'll talk to Jacob about letting her design the nursery. She's done an amazing job here._

_They're all really nice to her. And to me as well. I love being back._

_Hmmm those abs. If I could just… Shit. Focus. Indeed, not flattering at all._

_Damn Edward still looks as hot as ever._

My head snapped up at this.

_Gotcha. _He added, and grinned at me. I smirk back.

Seth used to tease me on my old- fashioned views. I loosened up a lot though, since his coming out. I have to be a little progressive, if I want to keep up.

The afternoon passed in a relaxed companionship. It would have even been a nice day for me, if it wasn't for certain events that were bothering me.

I still can't read anything in Jasper's mind, but I don't need to be a mind reader to notice things. Nessie sitting in a corner, watching him. Heart speeding up. Eye contact, one look. Heart stopping, and racing again. Nessie running for the kitchen. Jasper taking his cell and texting a message. A phone buzzing in the kitchen. Heartbeat speeding up again.

I really don't get why the others don't notice. It's so so sick.

I tune in on Alice, but she is wrapped up in this conversation with Tina. Thank god for fashion.

I recall the day, five years ago, that I found out all about her visions concerning Jasper and Nessie, and her decision to let it happen.

I refused to let that be, and I wanted to put a stop to it. But she told me to decide on doing that tomorrow, and staying tuned in on her visions the entire day.

So I did. And I almost crumbled at what I saw. No matter how I changed my mind. It always ended with the death of my daughter. We were both in agony, could Alice make a sacrifice like that, to keep Nessie alive?

She pleaded me, and I gave in. And the newer visions were of a happy future, of Alice and Jasper together. Nessie blushing and smiling again.

She was right. There was no other way.

"But it's so wrong Alice. How can you let that be? How will you stand it?"

"We're just gonna have to be open minded."

"That's an understatement." Luckily Alice is the most free-thinking one of us all. I most certainly am not.

"Look Edward. When you started dating Bella, we had to be open minded as well. We all knew it was wrong, but I had your back anyway. Do this for me, please?"

She was right. A vampire in love with his singer. That was beyond wrong. And Alice was the only one having faith in me back then. In us. She had been right about Bella too.

Could I be this tolerant? To let my brother in law fall for my daughter, sleep with her, cheat on my sister, in order to save her?

I would have to. And I would even have to be thankful to him, for saving her. At least he wouldn't let it go that way intentionally, because if Alice would have told him, he would leave Nessie behind to prevent it from happening.

"Alright Alice. I've got your back."

"So promise me you won't say a word about this. Not even about me being able to see her in my visions."

"You are completely insane. But I promise. It's up to you. I'll keep my silence."

There's nothing I wouldn't do for Alice and Nessie.

* * *

**AN: So this is why the mind reader kept his silence about everything he knew...**


	48. OT Emmett

**AN: This is an outtake from Emmett's point of view, from the day where he took Tina for a walk to watch the sunset (which they never saw). This happens somewhere around chapter 20 Visit. **

**Happy Valentine's Day! :)**

* * *

**Emmett**

I wanted to impress her.

Not with macho stuff, it wouldn't work on her, I'm talking romantic stuff here.

Me and Rose were never into that bull shit, but here's this girl who thinks I'm all that, and suddenly I find myself trying my hardest. I never thought I would fall for a human girl. Humans are like calory bombs, you know they taste good, but you really shouldn't eat them. Nothing more. Every once in while, a special one comes along, and you eat it anyway. And you just _love_ the taste, but it only lasts so long, and afterwards you spend a long time feeling bad about it.

Bella was different. She was the first human that was really a person to me. And then there was Nessie, my little sister. She's the best. But all other humans didn't mean a thing to me. Until now.

I can't really explain what she does to me. If Rose would ever ask me what it was about her that she couldn't give me, I honestly don't have a clue. She's just got something that makes me feel good.

Nessie warned me about her feelings, but hey, she's a grown up, and in my defence, she's coming on to me as well. I mostly just go with the flow, concerning my feelings. And they mostly lead me to Rose. Today, they lead me towards a sunset.

There's this nice spot up the mountains, from where the view is magnificent, and I wanted to take her there. I'm not stupid, I invited other people as well, including Rose. I really hadn't tried to have her to myself, it just played out this way. Rose had refused as soon as she knew Tina would come along, retreating into the garage mumbling something about an engine. If she's all bitchy like that, I better let her be, I learned that much. Edward, Bella, Jasper and Nessie are the movie freaks, and Fridays are holy. Alice, Esme and Carlisle would join us to the mountains. Around the time we were getting ready to leave, Alice got a vision, and changed her mind. Carlisle got an emergency call from the hospital and bailed as well, and Esme was only joining for him so decided to watch the movie instead.

That left me and Tina. We didn't complain. We just took off as fast as possible, before anyone would notice we were going alone.

I didn't plan to charm her, or dazzle her or whatever. Don't even know how to. I was just glad to have her alone. That's all.

On the path through the mountains, I was making lame jokes, teasing her on her human speed and strength. I must admit I didn't choose the easiest path. Evil, right? Maybe I was hoping she would ask me to carry her. But oh no. Not Tina. She would rather miss the sunset than ask the gentleman to help the lady in distress.

Besides choosing a tricky path and making fun of her stumbling, I did try to be a gentleman. Grabbing her hand whenever she needed to jump or putting my arm around her waist whenever she lost balance.

Every time I was startled by her warmth, by the softness of her body. I wanted to feel more of that. Hell, I wanted to rip her clothes off her and take her right there, sunset be damned. But I was a gentleman indeed. And I let go of her warm body as soon as she regained her balance. I never noticed she was as clumsy as Bella, always thought that one was something unique. So I was kinda hoping that she overdid it. Wanted me to catch her.

All too soon we reached the spot. Note to self: take a rougher path on the way back. It would be dark then, I thought with a smile. Even trickier.

The sun was still relatively high, no oranges or reds in the sky yet, but the view was nice nevertheless. We sat down and watched over the valley. She said the hiking had made her feel hot, and removed her sweater. She was now wearing a tight shirt and no bra underneath. Fuck me.

Screw that mountain valley, my eyes found a new one.

She pretended not to notice my gaze, but I could hear her heart speed up as she was staring ahead, she sooo did this on purpose. I shifted my position a little, something was getting uncomfortable down there.

The silence between us was stretching a little too long, the atmosphere was getting tense. But I didn't want to joke around anymore. Maybe coming here with her was not such a good idea after all. Maybe I should have stayed with Rose and fucked that bitchy mood right out of her.

Instead here I am, aroused at watching the nipples of a human.

A soft and warm human.

Who wants me.

Who was now leaning back on her elbows, closing her eyes as if she was trying to get a tan from this evening summer sun. It was obvious that she was trying to get something else. Her breasts were pushed forward in this position, nipples pressed against the thin fabric.

I'm not one to notice subleties and to understand what woman want, but this one sure left no doubt.

She was a cock tease who planned to seduce me. And when she got me to cave, she would pretend to be innocent and insulted.

I wouldn't fall for it. I thought of a different approach. Two can play that game. So I leaned back as well, I stretched out my legs and lay on my back, knowing all too well that a certain enlarged body part was now clearly visible.

Gotcha. Her heart sped up again.

I don't know what I was trying to get from her. If she would cave, would I pretend to be innocent and tell her I was not free?

I guess I just threw back at her whatever she was throwing at me. Not thinking further.

Instead I thought back on that hunt where she kissed Alice. Boy did she throw something at me with that! I swear, if it hadn't been Alice…

"What are you thinking?"

"Um… Nothing."

She laughed out loud.

"Smooth Emmett. Now tell me. I'll tell you my thoughts."

"I was thinking about that day you kissed Alice."

She lay back as wel, looking sideways at me, and I looked back to gauge her reaction. She wasn't surprised, but didn't reply either.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you? To get to me."

"Maybe. It worked, right, it got to you."

"Hell yeah."

"There's something about you Emmett, I don't know what, but you make me naughty."

"I got a feeling you can be quite naughty by yourself without me."

"Sometimes. But you make it worse."

"What were you thinking just now?"

"I was thinking about how much fun I could have with _that_, if you had been available." Her eyes looked down.

I almost choked and quickly sat up again. Fuck fuck fuck.

"That's… naughty indeed."

She chuckled.

"Are you worried?" she asked.

"Worried?"

"That I might actually do it?"

I looked around to see if she was serious or just teasing me again.

"What if I'm hoping that you might actually do it?"

She sat up as well. The tension was almost tangible now. Her breathing was heavier. Was this to be defined as dazzling? The god damn tease started it herself. I was getting dazzled here. Two nipples staring me in the face and telling me they wanted to be naughty.

Shit. This thing is getting out of hand. No way I'm stopping this right here. I have to have her. I'm sorry Rose, I just have to.

I didn't move but kept looking at her. Her lips were parted, her heart beating furiously.

Suddenly I felt a tickle on my hand that was on the ground between us. I looked down and saw her tracing one fingertip over my skin. How such small sensation can have such massive effect. I bit my lower lip and looked up into her eyes. She turned herself a little and picked up my hand, turning it around. She held it in her small warm hand, and her fingertip kept tracing the skin of my palm, up my wrist. My cock was throbbing, but I didn't move.

She looked at me like a hungry predator. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

And then she whispered "Will you reject me if I make a move?"

I swallowed and shook my head. No way. Too far gone. Please make a move. No more teasing.

When she leaned in closer to me, I didn't hesitate. The idea of going back home without having her first was unbearable. I let her kiss me, and I kissed her back. Her burning hands were all over me and finally I could feel her soft and warm flesh. I was craving her flesh, wanted her so bad.

She obviously had enough with the teasing as well, I gasped when she pulled at the waistband of my shorts, freeing my thick cock, and grasping it in her small hand. The heat coursed through me and if me and Rose didn't have such an active morning, I would come right there.

She climbed in my lap and whispered in my ear "Fuck me Emmett." I growled and almost tore away her too thin shirt. She quickly helped me and removed it carefully. "I don't want to hurt you Tina. You're too fragile."

"Want me to fuck you then? Ride this big boy?"

"God yes."

She stood up to remove her remaining clothes, she was wearing no underwear. Naughty indeed.

My pants were removed before she could even blink, and then she attacked me. For any accidental hiker, it would seem as if she was the predator and I was the helpless one. She pushed me on my back, her force couldn't move me, but she had me overpowered and I complied. Let her have me.

This hot, wet, soft and fragile human shouldn't have been a match for Rose, but she surprised me big time. She was wild, ferocious, and I had to try with all my might to contain that side of me. They wouldn't forgive me if I accidentally crushed her. Even if I could limit the damage to just a few bones.

She looked like she didn't care for her bones anymore, she just wanted to be filled by me, for hours. Her nipples were jumping up and down and she was screaming out over the long forgotten valley. There was no more trace of a sunset in the sky.

When I could feel my climax closing in, I took control a little bit, gripping her hips, not too tight, but insistent, changing the angle and lifing her up and down at vampire speed. She sure liked that.

I almost lost it, but could hold back just long enough so that she came, right when I did. She boosted my ego by shrieking that this was the god damn best sex ever. While all I had been doing was holding back. Girl you should feel me when I really get going, I can be quite the giver.

I let her recover in the grass, while my fingertips were sliding over her sweaty sensitive skin. Now I was thoroughly satisfied - for now - I was no longer so afraid to lose control, and I showed her what else I can do, making her scream over and over again, until she became so sensitive that every touch and every lick made her muscles contract.

I guess it wouldn't matter now which path I would choose to bring her back. She would not be able to walk, and would let me carry her back gladly.

Like a true gentleman, taking care of a lady in distress.

* * *

**AN: A gentleman indeed :D You like?**


	49. OT Rose

**This is an outtake in Rose's point of view from the first night she spent with Emmett and Tina. Enjoy! :)**

* * *

**Rose**

"Tell me again why I am doing this?" I asked.

"Because you're a lesbian in denial."

"Seriously."

"Hey baby, we fantasized about this. And I remember you liked that _very_ much."

He bit his lower lip and gave me his dimpled naughty smile, while pulling me close to him.

I could almost see him replaying that fantasy we had shared. It had been hot thinking about it back then, but I was not going to replay that. "I'm just watching, honey. Not joining."

"Whatever." He grinned, and kissed me feverishly, obviously in the mood for a wild night. Hopefully not too wild. Poor human girl.

When Tina arrived, we took her with us to the cabin, agreeing that we would just watch some tv and see what would come from it. If anything should happen, we would let it be, and if not, no big deal. Taking the pressure off a bit. I don't think we needed to though, they were both looking at each other hungrily.

I didn't know what to expect. I guess I was going to find out.

As soon as we entered the cabin, Tina started laughing. Me and Emmett had tried to set the right mood, by lighting the fire place, making room for a big rug in front of it - for later - and lighting many candles all around the cabin.

Maybe I overdid it a bit. Just to kill my nerves. Me and Emm are both not exactly the romantic souls, but we didn't know what she would expect.

I looked at her, a little insulted.

"It's really beautiful, Rose. I love it. And I appreciate you thought of warming up the place for the human as well, but it's clear that your sense of temperature is a little off. This is a _little_ bit too hot for me."

"Oh. I'll put the fire out then." Now she mentioned it, her face looked a bit reddish, and some shine was forming on her forehead.

"No, I like it. Just, maybe put some of it out." Her smile reassured me.

She didn't seem nervous at all. While I had nothing to be nervous about. I was just going to watch.

I chose my place on the couch, from where I could see the rug. Emmett sat next to me, and he pulled Tina on his lap. Obviously he was not in any state to pretend to watch the TV first. Neither was Tina. Her gaze was on his sensual lips, displaying another of his naughty smiles. Irresistable.

She agreed, and kissed him.

I had expected to be jealous, but it didn't happen.

Emmett's eyes were closed, but his hand searched mine, and he squeezed it, wanting to know I was okay. I squeezed back.

They kissed each other gently, but urgently, while his thumb was slowly rubbing the sensitive skin on my wrist.

Already I was turned on. He looks like a mischievous angel, this man of mine. And that sensual girl, who was pressing her hips into him, was a pleasant sight as well.

They both got heated up. His free hand went around her back, pulling her even closer to him, while his hips slightly bucked upwards. I untangled my fingers from his hand, and placed it around her waist, letting it rest there.

He broke the kiss and looked at me. I gave him a wink, urging him on to continue. No extra pushing was needed.

He didn't bother to unbotton her blouse, but lifted it over her head, immediately resuming the kiss. Her pink skin looked soft and warm, and she shivered as his cold hands traced her back.

He pulled back again, while holding her hips in place. He wouldn't be able to talk if she kept pressing against him like that.

"Let's move this over to the fireplace, babe. Don't want you to get cold."

"Alright." She agreed, panting "But if we're going to do this, I have one condition."

"What's that babe?"

She turned towards me and said "I'm okay with you watching, but you have to take your clothes off as well."

"Why?"

"I'm not comfortable with putting myself out there, while this perfect female vampire can judge me. Or my performance." She averted her look.

"I'm not here to judge you, Tina," I answered softly.

"She's here to drool." Emmett grinned, placing kisses on Tina's neck and chest "and besides, she looks perfect naked as well."

"Oh I don't doubt that. It's just… I don't get kicks out of being watched. I only agreed to this because I like some experimenting and obviously because I want him. But if I do this, I want you to be vulnerable as well."

Vulnerable. I guess I understood. I would feel exposed too, if I were to sleep with a man, while his wife was watching.

"Come on baby, it's only fair, you're looking at us, let us look at you too. It's a waste covering that body of yours with clothes."

I'm not self concious about my body, if it were up to me and Emmett, we would be naked all the time, and if I would be seeing Tina, it would only be fair. So I agreed. And the three of us stood up.

We didn't talk. We weren't frenzied right now. We just slowly undressed ourselves, looking at the other two. Neither of us touching. Although I could see Emmett was losing his patience.

I sat down on the couch, pointing at the rug with a smirk on my face. Your audience is ready.

Emmett picked up Tina, who crossed her ankles behind his back, and sat down on the rug, sideways next to the fire, facing me. He was considerate, Tina would not be able to watch me in this position. Or maybe he was just making sure he would be able to watch me.

She sat in his lap, ankles still crossed, rolling her hips against him once more. I could hear him moan during their kiss and if the sight of them hadn't turned me on enough, then his sounds definitely did. I had no more doubts, I was going to enjoy this show. For sure.

He lowered one hand between their bodies, placing himself at her entrance, while his other hand was in her neck, keeping her close to him, her face buried in his neck, kissing him there.

I know how much he likes that. He groaned.

He pulled his hand from between them and placed it on her lower back, putting just enough pressure to push himself into her.

They both gasped at the feeling, but Emmett kept his eyes open, intently on mine.

"You're so warm," he whispered against her neck, and both his hands went to her hips, lifting and lowering her onto him.

They were kissing again, moaning into each other's mouths. He picked up the pace, and she broke the kiss, panting and groaning too much to continue it.

He bit his lower lip again, and closed his eyes. That sight alone could drive me crazy.

But I had to admit, I was watching Tina as well. Her feminine back, small waist and round hips, moving on top of my man. Emmett had opened his eyes again, and caught my gaze.

"Come here baby, let me kiss you."

I stood up and walked over to him, his eyes brightened instantly. A triumphant smile played across his face.

I sat on my knees behind her back, placed my hands on top of his, which were still moving her hips back and forth, and kissed him.

She leaned backwards against me, shivering at the feel of my cold skin. I was amazed by her warmth, wanted to feel more and I instinctly wrapped my arms around her stomach, still kissing Emmett.

Both of their sounds were filling me with desire, pushing away my inhibitions.

We broke our kiss, and Emm sat up and watched as my hands touched her soft and warm breasts, and eventually lowered to rub her, making her cry out even harder.

His lips were parted, and he moved her hips faster now, clearly affected by the sight of me touching her.

She lay her head back on my shoulder, and her cries and wimperes grew silent, she was holding her breath, muscles tensing. Me and Emmett both watched her intently, moving even faster, and then she came, screaming.

If I wasn't so extremely horny, it would have been funny. And I'm sure her cries carried all the way to the mountain house. We didn't mind, we tend to get loud too. This is definitely a girl we could like. She kept quivering and screaming for the longest time.

When she finally relaxed again, panting heavily, I looked into Emmett's eyes, and both of our smirks said "again".

But she was so utterly spent, she used her last powers to lift herself off his lap, saying that she wanted to watch us now.

"Let's finish this baby" he grinned, pushing me back on the rug and crawling on top of me like a predator. He thrust into me with one swift movement and I let him ravish me.

Tina lay down on her back as well, beside me, still panting.

Me and Emmett grew wilder and louder, untill we both came violently. I don't think I ever came this hard.

He turned us around, so I lay on top of him. Not needing the rest, but staying close, because this moment was so intense.

We both looked sideways, at Tina, and she was looking at us too, slightly sweating, but no longer panting.

The three of us felt suddenly shy, but neither made a movement to cover ourselves. Emmett reached over to her, and pulled her into some sort of hug.

Tina sighed. "I want to sleep right here. By the fireplace. With both of you."

She looked at us, insecure, as if we would deny. We kissed her goodnight, but didn't hold her, we didn't want her to get cold in this November night.

During that night, me and Emmett made love several more times, trying to stay silent as to not wake up Tina, who we covered with a blanket as soon as the first goose bumps arose.

In between, we just watched her.

No words were spoken, but we knew that nothing would ever be the same again.

* * *

**AN: So this was the start of something beautiful and complicated. What do you think about it?**


	50. Sequel Beat as One

For all of you who want to know how life is going for Jake and Nessie now they finally found each other,

I can now gladly present you the last part of this trilogy!

~*~

**Beat as One**

~*~

Will Jake and Nessie stay happy together?

What happens with Tina in her love triangle with Rose and Emmett?

Will Jasper be able to keep his feelings under control?

Do they grow old as humans?

Only one way to find out!

I hope you will enjoy that one equally…


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